Son has spent the night with gf

[Mumofteenboy278]

DS16 has a gf 18 who he's been seeing for 18m or so. He is pretty mature for his age - youngest of 4 - and she isn't, and they look similar, so it doesn’t seem like a maturity or power imbalance.

He is only just 16. His siblings all had the rule of no staying overnight with someone until they were 18.

They both went to Reading festival in the summer, each camping with their friends, and I had the conversation with him before he went about mates before dates etc as I didn't want him spending the weekend with his gf instead of friends when he had arranged to go with them. Recently I was told via his friend's mum that he'd stayed in his gf tent.

Gf lives some distance away so we do say she can stay over any time. The other night she was sleeping downstairs and DS in his room upstairs; I woke up at 6am hearing someone opening/closing a door and on stairs.

I spoke to DS today. I said he is not permitted to sleep overnight with his GF until he is 18 (this was the rule we had for our other DCs) and I asked him about Reading and the other night at home. He said he'd stayed in GF tent one night at the festival and that the other night at home he fell asleep with her downstairs.

I've said he's broken our trust and she can't stay over and he can't have so much freedom now, because he's broken the rules and lied by omission.

Have I been totally naive here to trust him? Is it fair to apply our family rule of age 18 before sharing a bed with someone overnight ? AIBU to give DS less freedom now?

Not all 16 years are sleeping with their gf/bf if the younger one is 14!

I wasn't particularly happy about it, no. They are quite well matched though so we just went with it.
I was worried I had been too trusting and relaxed ; looks from the responses like that's not the case.

His siblings all had and respected the same rule of no bf/gf staying in their room until 18. It's disappointed me that DS16 has had this creeping about in the middle of the night.

A young person leaving home before 30 - wouldn't that be something!

@Mumofteenboy278 , I think the error was having her overnight. The temptation was right there. Your rules are your rules though, and he's broken that, so he'll need to suck up the consequence.

Absolutely this

I wouldn’t be having a girlfriend or boyfriend stay over in the same bedroom at 16. It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s legal or not, it’s not happening. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to control what happens generally. I wouldnt have made any conditions about where he was sleepIng at the festival and if I’d heard about it I probably would have ignored it. I would be more concerned about drink / drug use rather than whose tent he was in.

Well no, that's what I thought.
And do you think this would be seen differently if the sexes were reversed and it was DD16 and Bf18?

They've been together 18 months, you've said there is no discernible difference in terms of how they present age wise, surely this is a good scenario for a first experience?

You can't police this outside of the house, and the danger in trying to do so risks alienating him.

You offer advice, and more importantly you remain someone he can talk to if things do go wrong. No judgement

Why is this bothering you so much? It’s a perfectly bog standard scenario you are turning into a massive drama for some reason,

Forget Reading , that was out of your control . And what a snitch his mate is ! But your house , your rules . He knows what the rules was , you allowed him leeway by letting her stay over , but they decided to ignore them . I would be mad at them . Now , because they did that , they broke your trust so should lose privileges . Tell them you will see if she can stay over again next year . Might be a different girl by then anyway . And no I don't agree with allowing teenagers to sleep together in YOUR house if you don't want it.

She's stayed over loads of times, they're in the same friendship group etc. Having her stay over has often meant she can join us for trips out, events etc. As I said his older DBs DSs all had this and it was never a problem

Or you never caught them. My mum would swear blind I wasn't having sex at 16. I was.

I mean we had a similar rule but I’m not stupid enough to think they’d follow them
it’s a way of keeping them safe but not appearing to condone it

it was hilarious they were sneaking about we pretend we didn’t notice
we knew they knew and they knew we knew but bob said anything

all you’ll do is push him away he’ll just lie and say he’s at his friends

If that’s the sum total of the trouble he’s given you I’d be grateful ! I mean he might even have been telling the truth about falling asleep downstairs , really why would he risk it then with you in the house. I’d be inclined to believe him or at least give him the benefit of the doubt , the lad went to reading festival and your upset he slept in his girlfriends tent, he could have been full of ketamine and cheap cider it could have been a lot worse . I think it’s a testament to your son’s good character that you weren’t worried about anything else.

They’re two teenagers in a relationship and are above the age of consent. It’s legal, normal and fine for them to be having sex. She’s 18, not 40. They’re peers. You can’t stop them at this age.

I guarantee your son isn’t going to look back on his relationship with his girlfriend in years to come and think “Damn, I really regret shagging that girl I was absolutely crazy about, if only my mum had dragged me from her bed and curtailed my perfectly legal and happy sex life.”

Agreed. This will only cause stress for yiu and he will still find a way.

I can’t see how you can control this. Of course they were going to stay in same tent. Wouldn’t you? My first serious boyfriend was 16 and I was 17 and in the year above. We were never allowed to sleep in same bed when staying over at each other’s houses and did honour this but there was plenty of sneaking around and we easily found other ways and times to get up to whatever we wanted to do. Fine to enforce the no same bed rule in your house but it’s pretty harsh to say he’s broken your trust. Can you remember the hormones at that age!? Personally think you’d be better off having a more open and accepting conversation about consent/contraception etc.

It would still be fine. They’re peers.

I think there is something a little uncomfortable about a 14 year old and a 16 year old. Maybe that’s where the concern comes from.

However now he is 16, you are just going to have to embrace it.

No man is going to look back at being 16 and think "I wish I hadn't had sex when i was 16".

Come on now.

Two separate issues. The festival? Nah, be grateful he has a GF because the alternative could have led to anything and none of it good. When he is away from home and he is over the age of consent, nothing to do with you.

At home? You house, your rules. He doesnt like the rules? Go somewhere else, there is a reason why shagging in cars is a known teenage thing.

How do you know you just didn’t catch your older children in the act? Perhaps they were just better at sneaking around.
I think yabu and were unreasonable with these expectations from the start.

@Mumofteenboy278 you are being naive about the festival - plenty of teenage boys will end up in other tents - and certainly not their girlfriends!!

As for the house - yes of course your house your rules but it’s always a risk when you allow her to stay. They are young and you must remember how that feels!

Just because you never caught anyone else sneaking about doesn't mean it didn't happen...that was often the case in my family, lots of teens ar the same time and we siblings covered each other's tracks. Not saying it was right but it's what we did.

Rules can evolve, if you're letting the girl stay over you don't have to have the exact same rules that your older children had, if you don't want to. But if you would just prefer consistency and to avoid arguments from the older ones that is also a valid reason to keep the status quo.

To be honest, to your son and also to your other kids, I'm sure your big rule was, to them, just you nattering on like a silly goose, probably while wearing a prairie dress and matching sun bonnet lol.

I really can't picture a 16-year-old boy (or anyone else who wants to have sex and gets a chance, for that matter) saying, Heavens no, I shant do the dirty with you, for it is against Mother's rule! Hahahaha.

Tee hee.

Hee-haw!

I hope this helps. (Don't worry, you don't have to pay me for this consultation).