My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Im 41, My DH (50) is recently diagnosed autistic. He's always been pretty rigid so the diagnosis didn't come as a surprise.
Yesterday we were going to his parents house me and the kids were driving there but DH was taking bus from work. The car was really muddy so spur of the moment I decided to drive through the car wash on the way there (his parents are quite judgy so I didnt fancy rocking up in a muddy car). Now full transparency DH has asked me not to go through the car wash as it "ruins the paintwork" but he also promised to wash it himself and has only done that twice since we bought the car in March. Anyway we had a nice time with his family and we went out to the local pub for some food DH and his parents had a couple pints and I entertained the kids and drove everyone home afterwards. But when we got into the car my youngest made a remark that we went through the car wash on the way there. DH was totally silent the whole way home (which was awkward as kids and me were chatting away) and went straight to bed without even saying goodnight to me or the kids. Then when I apologised he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him said everyone would be happier if he lived in an apartment alone. I said it sounds like thats what you want. He said yes that's true. So I said " OK fine I won't stand in your way take the car and go get an apartment" to which he then said angrily "you'd like that wouldn't you. This is my home I'm not leaving" like wtf I can't keep up. This morning he's still not speaking to me.

No, of course you can't live like this. Mental health issues or not, this is controlling and abusive behaviour. No good for the children to witness either.

Putting the car through the wash is a direct result of his inaction to wash it, he doesn't then get to lose it at you. I bet you live with a load of little 'rules' that he insists on, walking on eggshells. Let him go OP, you and the children may well be happier.

How did I threaten him?. He said he'd be happier in an apartment alone and I said "go ahead and get an apartment alone if that's what you want" every other time he's said this I've backed down and said ",no please stay" "we are a family don't go" but why should I do that anymore.... if he wants to go just go ffs

She didn't threaten him, or chuck him out. He suggested it and that's not a smart thing to do if you're expecting the other person to reply with "please dont go", in fact it's downright manipulative.

Simple solution if he wont leave.

You own half the car at least. I'd take an electric sander to every panel. Right along the middle of it

having a bust up because your wife took the car to the car wash is absolutely wild, unless it's a vintage Ferrari or something.

shag a few blokes at work and see what he makes of that, then divorce the plum

It mattered to him so much that he he's washed the car a couple of times in 6 months?

Autism isn't an excuse for being an abusive dick. Millions of people are autistic but manage quite easily not to be shitwads.

If he wants his apartment, let him have at it. You deserve better, OP.

I dont know you but I know I love you. 😂

He threatened to leave? The OP didn’t threaten to chuck him out at all. There’s only one person being cruel, as his orders weren’t followed.

You clearly damaged the paintwork as he didn’t notice so his worries were - as you guessed - unfounded

Yanbu if it bothers him that much he needs to be responsible for actually cleaning the car and not just talking about it.

He sounds emotionally manipulative as well.

You've said you want to exhaust every avenue before splitting but what is he doing to prevent this as he won't even consider therapy together? The onus isn't solely on you to fix everything.

You did the right thing. You cannot drive around in a dirty car, the windscreen needs to be clean especially this time of the year with low sun. He made a promise to hand wash the car and hasn't done so. If he was that bothered about you bringing it through a car wash he would have kept to his promise.
He is punishing you for something he has failed to do. Regardless of his diagnosis he is a controlling, vindictive arse. Sick and tired of ND being used as an excuse for nasty, abusive behaviour. His parents don't sound much better given you felt you used the car wash to avoid their criticism of a dirty car.
You have reached a stage in your relationship where for the sake of the well being of you and your children you cannot continue to live like this. He has refused counselling so you take the initiative and get some individual counselling. You seem to be at the end of the line, time to restore your self esteem and get the strength to make difficult choices for the sake of yourself and your children.

Ahh this reminds me of my controlling ex. He’d have such specific rules for how everything was done… how to clean the shower, how to park the car, how to close curtains etc. Every single thing was positioned as “I know it seems silly but this is really important to me, if you could just do this thing like this”. It’s so nice to be in my own home, closing the blinds however I like 🙌☺️

Well it's not good he asked for one thing that mattered to him, and you decided your way was better. I'm not sure being nd has anything to do with that.

You really think so? You think he's just asked for this one thing, even though OP has already been trying to have couples counselling to resolve how unhappy this marriage and how detached the DH is from his wife and DC, and you think it has nothing to do with nd? That's a pretty skewed takeaway from this thread - to think him doing the abusive silent treatment and threatening to leave over a car wash is somehow reasonable. When the only reason she even did it was because his parents are difficult as well.

OP please don't let him manipulate you with his sulking and threats. It's good that you want to save your marriage if at all possible but it doesn't sound like you really believe it's possible and it isn't if he won't work on it equally. YANBU about the car at all of course. I'd like to know what his defence is for only having washed it twice and let it get so muddy if this truly is the one thing that matters so much to him.

You handled it very well.
He is very unreasonable and way too emotional about the car, mean towards whole family (people) over the car (thing). Car doesn't even car or feel how it's washed.

Is this his car or your joint car? Because if it’s joint then ND or not you need to politely remind him that you can care for the car however you see fit as can he.

I’m not sure if OP’s dh shut himself away in silence because of being sulky and abusive or if he simply needed to process his anger and didn’t want OP and the children to witness it. My guess is the latter, that he needed space in which to calm down. It looks like classic overwhelm to me. It may seem irrational to have such a strong and adverse reaction to car washes to some people, but to others it probably makes perfect sense for all the reasons a pp has suggested. Not everyone can verbalise their feelings and the result is this sort of “shut down”, which I am very familiar with.

He must be feeling really upset to be suggesting OP would prefer him to live elsewhere. Surely there is some middle ground here where both your needs can be met, even if he refuses couples therapy, which is a shame but not unusual for someone who refuses to see a problem. What is his relationship with the dc like?

What a big fucking baby.

He doesn't see you as an equal, he sees you as a supporting character in his more important life. He's a manipulative prick:

Silent treatment
Setting rules around how things are done but not doing it (he thinks you should hand wash the car to please him)
Massive fun suck for everyone.
Repeatedly threatening to move out to stop arguments, with zero intent to go anywhere

Yes you chose him but fuck that, life moves on & people change. You have one precious life which you deserve to enjoy. That list is not enjoyable.

Either find your anger & tell him you're sick of his petty manipulative shit so grow up, find some coping strategies & recognise your life is not not all about him, or make plans to separate.

Being ND is not a pass to be unpleasant and controlling.

You can be married and live in separate houses. It works well on many levels.
However you will find out if you actually like each other or it’s just proximity keeping you together.

No one would not speak to me in my own home. The car is yours as well. Why does his wants trump yours?

I'd tell him to leave.

He should have washed the car more than twice since March if he really cared.
Regardless of his diagnosis, it is a horrible way to treat you. Silence to you and the kids most importantly over this. I would honestly leave. I am sure this is one of many things you pander to with him.

Reading that I am surprised you want to save this marriage. He is a dickhead.

Whose car is it?

My OH takes it on himself to clean things by using the dishwasher/washing machine for things that shouldnt go in there and I get furious about that, having been told so many times not to do it and then he does it

Doesnt really matter that he didnt clean it himself. I never ever clean my car, thats my choice, OH gets upset about this, its not his car. Things have been broken in the dishwasher, washing machine etc because he wont listen. I'd eat my hat if he isnt autistic, incredibly rigid and wont listen at all. That works both ways because on the one hand he wouldnt for example hand wash things that need hand washing because he 'doesnt see the need' but will completely ignore me saying 'please dont put that in the dishwasher again'.

He also gets fixated about the car being dirty, he would be upset if it was muddy. I couldnt care less, cars are meant to get dirty.

If its your car, then none of the above applies of course

Christ that’s some astounding mental gymnastics to be able to project that interpretation onto his actions. And also wrong.