My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Im 41, My DH (50) is recently diagnosed autistic. He's always been pretty rigid so the diagnosis didn't come as a surprise.
Yesterday we were going to his parents house me and the kids were driving there but DH was taking bus from work. The car was really muddy so spur of the moment I decided to drive through the car wash on the way there (his parents are quite judgy so I didnt fancy rocking up in a muddy car). Now full transparency DH has asked me not to go through the car wash as it "ruins the paintwork" but he also promised to wash it himself and has only done that twice since we bought the car in March. Anyway we had a nice time with his family and we went out to the local pub for some food DH and his parents had a couple pints and I entertained the kids and drove everyone home afterwards. But when we got into the car my youngest made a remark that we went through the car wash on the way there. DH was totally silent the whole way home (which was awkward as kids and me were chatting away) and went straight to bed without even saying goodnight to me or the kids. Then when I apologised he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him said everyone would be happier if he lived in an apartment alone. I said it sounds like thats what you want. He said yes that's true. So I said " OK fine I won't stand in your way take the car and go get an apartment" to which he then said angrily "you'd like that wouldn't you. This is my home I'm not leaving" like wtf I can't keep up. This morning he's still not speaking to me.

AFTER he said it’s true that that’s what he wants.

He wants you to be the one to tell him to leave so he can blame you and he isn't the one ending the relationship or responsible for the decision.

He's acting in way that noone would want him around. It's cowardly but not uncommon for people in relationships to try and get the other person to leave to avoid doing it themselves.

He also chose you my lovely, so maybe he could do what’s needed to keep the marriage and family together….its not all on you…x

I probably wouldn't have taken it through the car wash but I also wouldn't have been judged by the in laws. I'd have made sure they knew it was DHs job and he hasn't done it, nothing to do with me (you).

I think his reaction was disproportionate but is this a pattern of his views being disregarded? The straw that broke the camels back? We all have our ways of doing things and for some people some of these things do mean a lot.

It's not just black and white.

Really? Is everyone just looking for conflict all the time? Surely a request like don’t use the car wash is normal to ignore if there’s a particular reason and especially when the agreement that he wash it instead wasn’t honored. Then if he pushed back again it would be worse to ignore a second time but also worse if he again didn’t wash it himself. Surely living together involves hundreds of these little negotiations and judgment calls and preferences. It’s not normal to treat every stated preference as an absolute rule. Is it?

This sounds like a really shit way to live.

I’ve seen how this scenario pans out with a very good friend, she waited for the kids to grow. Now 60, no job, no house, no anything really. She is the loveliest person ever, but has nothing. You absolutely have to grow a pair before your ship has sailed. Good luck.

I grew up within a marriage where the couple stayed together "for the sake of the children". It left me desperate to shut down any memories of my parents at all, and horrified by the thought of marriage or even living with a man.

You say to him, ‘fuck this shit’. Then go and live your life happily ever after without him.

I did yes. But only as related to the traits being discussed in the OP.

I know it is massively not the point, and have not RTFT so PPs maybe pointed out already, but I don't think it's good for paintwork to sit under a layer of dirt for an average of 3 months either. So he's not just intransigent, but illogical.

Well she suggested that it was what he wanted before that actually…haven't you ever just said yeah to things in an argument? Never felt anything unreasonable that you knew wasn’t true at the time?

Genders reversed, mumsnet would be going mad at him for refusing to meet her boundaries around the car, trampling on her feelings, not considering her autism…standard mumsnet stuff really

Agree 100%.
He broke his end of the bargain by not washing it himself, OP broke hers by taking it through the carwash. Bit of a bummer but hey ho, give and take, not everything needs a commitee meeting beforehand and a public enquiry after.

Some bargains matter and breaking them is worth splitting up a marriage for- shagging other people for example- some do matter but don't warrant the nuclear option.
If everything like thing is such a big fecking deal that's no way to live, and autism is just an excuse.

*every little thing

If the genders were reversed her autism probably wouldn’t even be diagnosed, and if you can’t find handmaidens who are prepared to queue up to defend an errant bloke on MN of all places, I don’t know what to tell you. The place is riddled with them.

Sounds miserable- nothing worse than silent treatment

I would tell him to mind the door doesn't hit his arse on the way out, to be honest. Walking on eggshells around someone who sulks like that is no way to live.

Yes you need to think VERY carefully about continuing this relationship. I've seen it from your children's eyes... FIL clearly autistic, everyone walks on eggshells, FUNSPONGE used about him all the time. My sister in law and my husband had awful childhoods whilst his wife made excuses, said "oh it's just how he is" and brushed everything off. It can become very isolating for the children as Mr FUNSPONGE will have no friends and discourage you and your children from having friends over. Now elderly FIL is abusing Mil and social services are involved (with holding food, refusing memory clinic appointments for her, preventing carers coming in) and an urgent mental health assessment was done which confirms the autism we all suspected but also narcissistic personality disorder.. As people say they are not mutually exclusive.
Think carefully op. Remember the saying "everyone brings joy to a room, some when they enter and others when they leave" if he's the latter then you need to act now.
My only caution would be leave it a little while until the next episode (and there will a next one) so your kiddie who blurted out you had been to a car wash doesn't think it's his fault. Good luck.

Silent treatment is abusive. https://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/what-is-stonewalling/

You need to tell him that. So either he seeks treatment for HIS issues and stops abusing you and creating a tense environment for your children, or he leaves.

By the way, he had many chances to wash the car his way. He can’t dictate how you wash the car, if he doesn’t ever do it. And there is no real impact on the paint even if he perceives there to be. If he had said, say, I’ll do it on Monday and you took it to the car wash on Sunday, I could see him being annoyed but it’s still not worthy of the silent treatment or you having to apologise!!

I don’t understand why having empathy for a man with autism means that you must be a handmaiden…literally seems to be a crime on here to have a penis.

I wonder whether people all think of their husbands as second class citizens, or whether it is just all men but their husbands and sons.

There have been times in my life where I’ve been so far beyond rational because of my OCD, and everyone has been supportive. I have been an absolute nightmare at times, but it didn’t cross my mind that one of my irrational complaints would have been dismissed by people because ultimately it is often beyond my control. Why don’t we have the same empathy for men in these situations?

I’m not at all a male sympathiser, I’m very independent and no man will tell me what to do, I won’t tolerate their poor behaviour, and I demand equity. But that works both ways, we need to remember that men can hold their boundaries too, we can’t just trample on them because historically they’ve trampled on ours, otherwise nothing will ever improve

You’re stubbornly focusing on this one incident. The issue is he repeatedly does this. OP normally begs him to stay and backs down. This time she didn’t. Since he keeps repeating it, it’s either a manipulation tactic and it does need shutting down or how he really feels so HE needs to do something about it. Either case, OP’s reaction was perfectly reasonable. You can’t keep saying you want to leave during arguments and then be surprised when one day you get told “fine, go then”.

Absolutely this!

Totally agree. Sorry OP. Let him go (get rid). You'll be happier.

He sounds like a child having a tantrum. Please don’t let this continue and be the way relationships are modelled to your children. Don’t let them grow up thinking this behaviour is ok or normal.