My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Im 41, My DH (50) is recently diagnosed autistic. He's always been pretty rigid so the diagnosis didn't come as a surprise.
Yesterday we were going to his parents house me and the kids were driving there but DH was taking bus from work. The car was really muddy so spur of the moment I decided to drive through the car wash on the way there (his parents are quite judgy so I didnt fancy rocking up in a muddy car). Now full transparency DH has asked me not to go through the car wash as it "ruins the paintwork" but he also promised to wash it himself and has only done that twice since we bought the car in March. Anyway we had a nice time with his family and we went out to the local pub for some food DH and his parents had a couple pints and I entertained the kids and drove everyone home afterwards. But when we got into the car my youngest made a remark that we went through the car wash on the way there. DH was totally silent the whole way home (which was awkward as kids and me were chatting away) and went straight to bed without even saying goodnight to me or the kids. Then when I apologised he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him said everyone would be happier if he lived in an apartment alone. I said it sounds like thats what you want. He said yes that's true. So I said " OK fine I won't stand in your way take the car and go get an apartment" to which he then said angrily "you'd like that wouldn't you. This is my home I'm not leaving" like wtf I can't keep up. This morning he's still not speaking to me.

Strangely, I kind of understand your DH's point of view. He asked you specifically not to do something, and told you the reason, but you went ahead and did it anyway.

Just because someone is autistic doesnt give them a free pass to be an arsehole.

So dont try and explain his behaviour or let hik use a label to excuse himself - hes being awful to you and sounds emotionally abusive.

No, no.
Marriage shouldn't suck up energy.
Marriage is supposed to make life and parenting easier and more enjoyable.
You don't stay in a marriage because you are 'supposed to, out of some sense of duty'.
Children have better outcomes if their parents live together/ are married in a mutually supportive relationship.
Just living together/being married is not it.

So what’s your excuse for him still ignoring op this morning?

I think for me it's triggered me back to 2021/2022 where he was so rigid about covid even way after the guidance was lifted. He didn't want me leaving the house with the kids. I remember him freaking out at me because i ordered takeaway and he thought that was too dangerous. He watched me on the ring doorbell and got angry because a delivery guy got too close. I had two young kids and felt so isolated. He would never be violent or anything just the same as this, saying that I didn't care about him and got silent. I went to counselling and learned to break free of his rules

Well exactly this. If it was the other way round, it would be full of 'he doesnt respect you', 'why dont your views count', 'he's just overridden your wishes'.

I couldn’t live with that. The thing is, that there is making accommodations for autistic people and then there is walking on eggshells when you should be chilling with your family. It’s about you, and your needs as well as his. You can make accommodations for him whilst he is living somewhere else- that’s much less tiring for you. Do you ever enjoy spending time together? Or is it always like this? It’s not about the car it’s about your marriage and whether he is bringing you any joy.

That’s where you went “wrong”. His usual emotional blackmail bullshit didn’t work , so that’s obviously your fault too. He needs to understand (and you will have to put this out to him in black and white no matter how much he’ll sulk) , that while you’re willing to work on the marriage he needs to the same too. If he refuses, then he can suit himself and leave because you’re not playing the “how high” game anymore or begging him to stay. He’s free to make his choices. Stay and put effort in and you both compromise and work together, stay and he continues as he has but you’ll do whatever works for you and he has to suck it up, or he leaves. That’s it.

Yes this, covid was carte blanche for people like this to isolate themselves, cut themselves off from 'others' as an excuse because they dont like engaging with the world. I think their eyes lit up at the idea that the government was actually telling people not to be near or interact with people, mine loved it for exactly those reasons. Wearing masks when he didnt need to because he hates communication for example.

Well he did ask you not to, and why, and you did it anyway, so I get why he’s upset. The reaction is about more than this though. He sounds like he doesn’t feel heard, whether that’s right or wrong only you can judge.

I think couples counselling is needed so he can air what his actual grievances are. And of course you get to tell him how his behaviour makes you and the children feel.

If he won’t engage with counselling then he’s not motivated to fix his part of the problem, so nobody would blame you for wanting out of the marriage.

This is the 4th post I have read today where a problem is discussed and then poster mentions they are or partner has autism.

What makes you think that he has asked for only one thing? It's highly likely that OP spends her life tiptoeing around these little foibles.

It’s not “this one thing” is it? I bet there is a list of stuff he kicks off about so you’re walking on eggshells. The ND is a red herring. He’s an arsehole.

Off he fucks to his magical apartment.

His "diagnosis" would appear to be greatly convenient for him.

Otherwise you see he would just be plain abusive.

Why on earth are you tolerating this shit, seriously.

No no no. This isnt ND, this is abusive controlling behaviour. Honestly I just think you need to get out of there, he is showing no desire to change or learn. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?!

The exact ages I left (kicked out) my rigid, controlling AS husband.
Was it easy, no.
Are we a billion times happier without him , fuck yes!
We spent 10 years tip toeing and reading his patterns, choosing words carefully, riding out his moods, being ruled by his exhaustion, missing out on so many activities. I could go on.
Be careful tho OP...mine stayed for a good 12 months after I'd 'kicked him out'. I eventually had to find somewhere for him to live. It was the last bit of life admin I did for him.
Get yourself free OP x

Not only did he not notice all the damage to the paintwork he also didn't notice the car had been washed. Dipshit.

This is just another man using his diagnosis as an excuse to treat people like shit.

It's not his autism that makes him not like the car wash, it's just an opinion that the thinks carries some magic importance because he's a man and now his autism gives him a stick to beat you with. If he didn't like you going through the car wash with him in the car because the noise and movement and confinement this would be due to the autism and you would be unreasonable to do that when you could go another day without him.

You washed the car, not by his preferred method. But he couldn't be arsed to do his preferred method. You can control how you do a task, you don't control how someone else does a task. So if he wants to control how it gets done he needs to do it. If he doesn't do it, he doesn't get to complain how it gets done.

Threatening to move out because you didn't obey his command is emotional abuse (and I'd hazard a guess it's not the ONE thing he's ever asked you, I'd say there's a lot of things you do/don't do/do his preferred way to avoid his tantrums.) it's emotional abuse and it's not ok.

You absolutely did the right thing not begging him to stay and every time in future you need to do the same thing.

But would we be saying that OP was justified in threatening to leave, and in throwing a massive sulk and going into silent mode around him AND the children - who on any interpretation have done nothing wrong?

OP, yes, your DH asked you not to go through the car wash - but he also said he’d clean the car himself, which he hasn’t - and all this arose because you were going to HIS parents who are “judgy”. I’d write a note explaining that from your POV, the car wash was the lesser of two evils, in that you didn’t want to be judged by his parents, and that you will promise never to go through a car wash again, but that means that if the car’s dirty when you are due to visit his parents, you just won’t go. It’s not easy living with someone ND - you need to decide whether you want to work at your marriage for the sake of your DC, or leave him - but you need to point out to him that working at your marriage takes two of you: it’s not him saying what he wants and you agreeing. Good luck, OP!

I can see why he's annoyed but think it's probably deeper and he can't handle his emotions and/or changes. I would leave it for a day and then ask him for a time to discuss it clearly. It doesn't sound like he actually wants to go but doesn't have the ability to flex his responses.
Whether you want to try and resolve it is another question of course.

I can see why people are saying it’s an over reaction, but I would hate it if someone didn’t listen to me and did the thing I asked them not to, as it feels like a lack of respect. Sounds like you then both argued and it got out of hand

He sounds very difficult to live with. My dad was a bit like this in terms of being unable to cope with things like this but he would never have criticised or picked arguments with my mum.

It depends how much you love him and want to stay with him.

Rather than take the bait, can it work to step back and say something along the lines of:

”Darling, should we stop and think about this? This all seems to stem from me having washed the car in a way you didn’t like. Is that really worth such a big argument when we have children to think about?”

Keeping calm and getting him to see that this is his mental condition speaking and he ‘s really overreacting, but also saying you are not a punchbag for that would be my aim.

Unless you do actually want to split up!

Perfect reply and his parents not wanting muddy cars at their house is a pretty good indicator of where his issues come from.

Tell him you're not going to put up with any silent treatment and to piss off out until he's over himself. He'll have to stew it out.

He's leaving? Oh, good. Change the locks asap.

There is a book for spouses whose husband is autistic, written by both the wife (NT) and husband (ND). I think it would be worth reading so you can delineate what is their asd and what is them being controlling and abusive. Autism does not equal abusive.

He needs therapy. You say he won’t engage in couples therapy so they leaves you knowing how he feels about repairing your relationship. It’s easy for me to say let him leave as in real life it is much trickier than that, however I would be quietly looking at options to see how possible that would be.