My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Im 41, My DH (50) is recently diagnosed autistic. He's always been pretty rigid so the diagnosis didn't come as a surprise.
Yesterday we were going to his parents house me and the kids were driving there but DH was taking bus from work. The car was really muddy so spur of the moment I decided to drive through the car wash on the way there (his parents are quite judgy so I didnt fancy rocking up in a muddy car). Now full transparency DH has asked me not to go through the car wash as it "ruins the paintwork" but he also promised to wash it himself and has only done that twice since we bought the car in March. Anyway we had a nice time with his family and we went out to the local pub for some food DH and his parents had a couple pints and I entertained the kids and drove everyone home afterwards. But when we got into the car my youngest made a remark that we went through the car wash on the way there. DH was totally silent the whole way home (which was awkward as kids and me were chatting away) and went straight to bed without even saying goodnight to me or the kids. Then when I apologised he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him said everyone would be happier if he lived in an apartment alone. I said it sounds like thats what you want. He said yes that's true. So I said " OK fine I won't stand in your way take the car and go get an apartment" to which he then said angrily "you'd like that wouldn't you. This is my home I'm not leaving" like wtf I can't keep up. This morning he's still not speaking to me.

Sounds tough. As you have identified he is very rigid in his thinking. It can also be hard for some ND people to "back down" after a disagreement. Is there a pattern of you always being the one to apologise and smooth things over?
Do you even want to stay together.

It Sounds like it’d be better if he did move out.
Maybe take medical advice then if all fails legal advice.

Would you prefer it if he went and got an apartment for himself? I probably would if I were you! Is he ever nice and fun, or do you spend your life walking on eggshells around him?

It's okay not to want to do that. He sounds pretty bad

Ask him to go and look at the car to find the damage. Then when he's outside lock all your doors and force him to go and live in an apartment by himself.

I feel for you. You could have went through a hand car wash, how was he to know? He didn’t even give you the opportunity to explain, just straight to the silent treatment.
he sounds difficult to live with. I did used to have these moods/silence constantly. I put up with them for many years with my STBEH and honestly look back wondering what I was thinking. Kids and I so much happier and peaceful with no silent treatment man behaviour ruining our peace and special occasions. Honestly, I know you probably won’t see it while in the trenches, but you would be so much happier (kids too) without an emotionally abusive man. Silent treatment is awful. Sending you an internet hug.

This cannot have been the only thing that has led to this. ND people can be kooky sure (no shade, I'm one myself) but it sounds like maybe some other things have happened before this?

Im also not sure what the AIBU question is - are you asking us it it was unreasonable to take the car to the car wash? Cos the answer is no

I will say as someone ND I get very very tetchy with people meddling or touching my stuff, and some of my worst arguments have been about this topic. Maybe a gentler way to do it would have been to sit down and suggest a date in the calendar where you could go to the car wash together?

Also, I think wanting to live alone can be an ND thing. I feel this way all the time, that everyone's life would be easier if I lived across the road in another house. It isnt realistic though and I will say it's not fair on my partner or child.

I dont know what has happened in the past but it doesn't seem like he actually wants to leave you. But maybe some couples counselling may help?

Well done OP. You handled it well. Just ignore the big baby. And when he’s ready to speak, tell him that you won’t take the car to the car wash if he washes it as agreed.

Silent treatment and sulking is abusive
that’s nothing to do with any diagnosis he may have
he sounds nasty and hard work
i think it must be awful living with someone like that

I do agree with this too. I actually need some accountability as an ND person or I just never get round to some stuff.

Perfectly reasonable to say "I drive this car too and it's not nice it is this dirty. Please do it in the next 2 weeks or I'll have to sort it, not fair on me or the kids"

So did he assume you’d actually washed the car yourself? I have a lazy and rigid autistic DH and I wonder if he reacted as he thought he’d got away with the car being washed exactly the way he likes it but crucially by someone else.

I have had to set very clear boundaries with my DH that if there is a way he needs something to be done it has to be done by him, and if he can’t do it then there is no pushback because he cannot spend his life controlling everyone around him as it sets a bad example for our DC. We have one DD who is ASD too and I do not want her to be watching control as a coping mechanism (they are very very similar in their needs and anxieties)

Honestly I would prefer it if he moved out. He sucks the energy out of the house but I don't want to live separatelyfrom my kids and feel like I should do everything to save the marriage. It's my fault I chose him so I.should try and save it

How old are your kids? Could you afford to live separately?

It isnt your fault at all, don't blame yourself. And certainly don't stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of your children, that won't actually help them. How old are they if you don't mind me asking?

Kids are 8 & 6

Okay it's a tough age but I think it's easier to leave now than it will be in 2 or 3 years. They are surely noticing the tension in the house? And they don't need this kind of example (him) re controlling behaviour.

Have you done therapy with him and would you be willing to for your own sake, not just the kids? Because if no then you really do need to leave imo, that signals it is probably not salvageable.

That’s no way to live. Let him go. He will suck the joy out of your family.

If you want a divorce get a divorce but own it, don't try and manoeuvre him into saying it's what he wants.

If you do want to save your marriage then you need to be clear with him what you can and will tolerate. But do you love him at all? Doesn't sound like it.

I really, really couldn't live with that. OP. This is the rest of your life.

OP, this sounds like battle lines have been drawn by both of you here. If my DH was really against car washes I wouldn't have gone against that to avoid the in-laws judging a muddy car. Car owners can be quite attached to their paintwork. I feel pretty furious when I hook my Le Creuset casserole out of the dishwasher at the last moment. We all have our ways of doing things and I think marriage is a dance of compromise, not something someone wins.

Your DH might be quite rigid in his thinking and going to bed without speaking to anyone isn't ideal, but he was clearly really upset by you disregarding his wishes. His diagnosis of autism won't be revealing new things about how his brain processes the world-I imagine you were already aware of his ways of thinking- but it might give you both a new way of interpreting them.

I'm not criticising either of you. I can see why you are unhappy and I can actually see why he is unhappy. I think there is a middle ground here of happy co-existence but equally if you don't want to be married to him anymore, that's completely up to you. Are you in love with him but very annoyed with him just now? Or just fed up with his way of thinking more generally and would feel happier living separately? Only you know the answer to that one.

To be fair mechanical car washes do damage paintwork, you can tell a car has been through one just by looking at it. Last time our car was in for a service they washed it mechanically (we asked them not to wash it, they wrote it down) and we could see it as soon as we picked it up as it was a sunny day. The garage paid for a full t-cut to remove the swirls.

Hand car washes use strong chemicals to speed up washing. Ds’s fiesta grill paint is peeling because of them.

So I get his frustration when he highlighted the issue and asked that the car doesn’t go through them. I think you were wrong to unilaterally decide to use one on a joint car when you knew his concerns.

But shit happens, if I took the car through a car wash dh would not be happy the paintwork was damaged either, but we’d work it out, I’d look at the paint to see the damage, apologise and we’d decide together if we were going to pay to fix it or let it go . The bigger issue is how you as a couple deal with arguments.

I've asked previously for us to attend couples counselling and he has refused . I would prefer to exhaust every avenue before ending the marriage but yeah I don't think there is much real love there for either of us so ultimately separation is the most likely scenario
It's mostly me and the kids together and then him off in some other room by himself but then he complains of being lonely.

I wouldn’t have taken the car through the car wash and if his parents had said anything about how dirty it was you could have said “well your son won’t use a car wash and he can’t be bothered to clean it himself”. That said, his reaction is over the top.

It's my fault I chose him so I.should try and save it
You saw this future in your magic ball? Wow, you must be winning the lottery every week! Of course you wouldn't have chosen him if you knew the reality, or he hadn't (probably) masked when dating you.

Based on the little you have said it sounds like he is abusive too. He can be both. Nobody should be living in an abusive household as it is extremely damaging but you can choose to leave, the children can't. And you cannot protect them whilst they are in an abusive environment 24/7. You might want too, but you cannot. It's time to separate.

But it's not fair that youre exhausting every avenue and he isnt. By refusing to go to therapy he's shutting the door not you, he could choose the therapist or find one specialising in ND for example.

I know I sound like a broken record but it seems youre at a pretty advanced stage in the breakdown of your marriage, and usually that requires an intervention.

I feel for you I really do. He sounds a lot like my dad, who shuts himself off in his room and says we never engage him in things even though we try. And blames everyone else for his misery. My mum should have left him years ago tbh and she's now miserable in her retirement.

Anyway some food for thought, do look after yourself and maybe speak to someone separately if you can.

Well it's not good he asked for one thing that mattered to him, and you decided your way was better. I'm not sure being nd has anything to do with that.

I think this boils down to he knows you don't want him around. You even said so yourself. And it seems there are some things he doesn't like about you. So to be kind to all you should figure that out as you clearly don't suit living together. But don't chuck him out of his own home or threaten that. Isn't that pretty cruel.