to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

YANBU. And I wouldn't think a seven-month (at Christmas) relationship makes him "family"

I don't think you're being unreasonable but then I don't think she is either. It's a real dilemma and one I think you have to think about very carefully the reasons being:

1. no actual harm will come to your family if they don't drink over the festive season;

2. her boyfriend may fall off the wagon after 3 years sober and spiral downwards into (what I assume was) alcoholism again.

I think I would go with a dry Christmas. It's only 48 hours and you can drink yourselves silly when they've gone. You can even provide guests who are sleeping over drinks in their rooms so they can have a nightcap away from the general brouhaha.

I agree with pps who said he’s thought up a handy excuse to avoid his gf’s family Christmas. Other People’s Christmases are often weird. Strange traditions, odd timings, peculiar food combinations, not enough people, too many people… Obviously everyone thinks it is they who do Christmas the right way!

If I were the bf, after a few months I’d be teetotal/fruitarian/hardcore fundamental non-Christian to avoid a three-day Christmas at someone’s house I barely know.

Healthy eating and no alcohol?

Sounds like the most miserable Christmas ever.

OP I think your sister's boyfriend is hiding a deeper alcohol problem than she's letting on.
I gave up the booze four and a half years ago and I was very dependent. I went to AA and had therapy.
I have no problem when others drink and I frequently eat in pubs. I don't even think about it.
The first two years were the hardest.
It is very easy to fall off the wagon but it can result in a bender. That might be what he's frightened of. I embarrassed myself more times than I care to remember.
Seedlip is a wonderful spirit alternative and Guinness zero. The alcohol free options are not that great but waitrose do loads of products.
Are there other non drinkers for heath reasons?
Could he bring his own drinks and sit near them.

I look at alcohol like food now. Some things don't agree with me (post gallbladder removal) so I don't eat them. I'm allergic to pork so if I succumb to a bacon sandwich it's a nasty business.

He's done well to be sober for three years but he'll always be a risk. Some say alcoholics are addicts. Often they substitute one addiction for another (shopping, gaming, gambling) so I'd be cautious about that if I was your sister.

No thank you.

My brother spends upwards of £160 on a perfect locally reared beef rib and cooks it to succulent perfection with all the sides

And then chooses a gorgeous red wine to go with it. Which is really enjoyable.

The wine isn’t there because we can’t ‘have fun’ without it, no one gets drunk, but I’m not giving up the perfect accompaniment that sets off the beef due to sanctimonious people who think that drinking wine is a toxic relationship with alcohol and I’m not eating one of the best dinners of the year with Schloer or horrible a/f wine.

Why don’t you try enjoying your Christmas Dinner without roasties? You know they are bad for you…

In my own home, on Christmas Day, after I’ve bought and wrapped all the gifts, taken days to prepare my home, bought, prepped, cooked and served all the food, you’re damn right.

100% I wouldnt want to spend that long with anyone but my own immediate family, never mind people I don’t/barely know over Christmas of all times. The alcohol is a massive red herring

Personally I’d have no issue and agree to no alcohol but I don’t think anyone in my family would be bothered so it wouldn’t really be a dilemma.

My dad is an alcoholic, sober about 5 years now, and we initially would avoid having alcohol around so as not to tempt him or make him uncomfortable. But he was most insistent that it wasn’t necessary and he didn’t mind other people drinking, and he’d just have soft drinks instead.

If I had only been going out with someone for such a short time I would find it overwhelming to be thrust into a busy family Christmas like that. Christmas lunch would be enough for me

Having read your update, is it possible that it's your sister who will be unable to resist alcohol if it's available, given that she has given up drinking for his sake? She's more or less said "This is how much I love you" by giving up and perhaps she doesn't want him to see her cave.

I think the sister is being much too clingy and the relationship may not endure to Xmas the way she's going!

Sorry I meant to add don't hide his alcoholism.
I'd say 'what can I get you Fred as you don't drink?'.
Being embarrassed is not for you to feel, that he can do by himself.
If you ignore the elephant in the room it can lead to sneaky drinks. I was always going out for a cabbage!

Your sister is being a massive fun sponge. At 3 years sober her partner should be able to control himself around alcohol and if he can’t then it is incumbent upon him to decline the invitation, not spoil everyone else’s Christmas.

I really don’t think I can tell people that they can’t drink. For a start, this is my adult children’s home. They will be inviting friends to our Christmas Eve party and part of socialising for them is having a few drinks. Neither of my children drink very much at all, a lot of young adults don’t seem to drink much, but Christmas is one of the times they do have a few drinks.

You forgot Christmas is a time to bring people together offering our best to those who need us most.

I think you've been kind to say he can come for dinner and that you will keep that alcohol free. Completely aside from the alcohol issue, she's being a bit cheeky to think a new boyfriend of a few months is invited to come for the full festivities at your home. It doesn't sound like you've even met him? I'd try and do that before Christmas such as a restaurant meal so you can get a sense of things

It isn't about not having fun without alcohol. It's the two days off work at a time of celebration, which before religion got involved was about feasting and drinking. For some people it'll be the only evening/day that they don't have to drive. I'm looking forward to having the two bottles of Aldi's flavoured irish cream, just like I'm looking forward to the turkey. I'm calorie counting. I've already calorie counted them in. I'm not eating chocolate, or havinga pudding after dinner. I've bought my DP chocolate that I don't like. He doesn't have a toxic relationship with chocolate, he just enjoys it, on occasions. I don't think that he should give it up, over Christmas (the time of feasting) because I can't trust myself. Until Christmas, I'm not drinking, it's diet coke in the pubs, because calorie counting is working for me. If I came to your's, for three days, would you give up sugar/sweets/cake/pigs in blankets? It's the equivalent.

Then why aren't they fitting his family in? He's happy to go to his family, why isn't she going? Why can't he come just for Christmas dinner, in-between seeing his family? They don't need the OP.

The sheer entitlement of people these days absolutely drives me potty.

Tell your sister NO!!

Hopefully this man will be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of his life.
Is the OP and their family meant to never drink at Christmas ever again then?

You cant ask a normally boozy Christmas house, not to be boozy for one person. It doesn't matter what your opinion on alcohol is or if you judge others for not 'being able ' to abstain. Just like you can't expect a non alcohol Christmas house to include alcohol or a meat eating house become.suddenly vegan to accommodate one person. It's everyone's Christmas.

Tell your sister the compromise is a none boozy Christmas dinner as you've offered. But the rest is her boyfriends issue to manage.

I think your sister having to forgo a family Christmas due to her boyfriend being an alcoholic (who’s been sober for 3 years) will be a good introduction into what life will be like going ahead if she settles down with him.

I think it was a reasonable compromise to have an alcohol free dinner. But not the whole few days! Most people don’t drink alcohol because of work and driving, Christmas is that one time to drink! I do wonder why he cannot be around alcohol? Does he find it easy to fall off the bandwagon? My friend is an alcoholic and he hasn’t touched it in years. He can go to parties and not drink. Maybe if his resolve isn’t good, he should come for a lovely dinner then go home. As for the family comment, he isn’t family as he hasn’t known you for years nor are they married.