to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

I don’t think her boyfriend has requested this. She said that he suggested she spends Christmas with us but without him due to the alcohol issue and that he would spend it with his sister and husband who won’t be drinking due to them having young children. My sister wanted him to spend Christmas with her so she has asked us not to have alcohol.

This is hugely significant. It's not coming from him, he's proposed a perfectly reasonable arrangement. But your sister wants to play happy families and is expecting everyone to pander to her, not to accomodate him. That makes it a very hard NO to an alcohol free Christmas.

Posts saying he can't handle being around alcohol are true. But not because he's being selfish about OP's family Christmas. He knows he can't and is therefore going to take responsibiliy for himself and remove himself from the situation. He's not the villain here.

Nope, you said it was only 48 hours and then they could drink themselves silly. There was not a hint of “if” that’s what they want, as you tried to later state you had said.

Maybe think more carefully about your language choices next time if you don’t want to accidentally convey the wrong implication.

Never had it. Im a Spaniard resident in Australia for almost 20 years and only heard about pig in blankets in this forum. Australian Chrismas meals are seafood, fish, lamb/beef cutlets on the BBQ and salads. Very similar to Spain, except the difference in seaons - change BBQ for the oven, and salads for roasted vegetables.

Few people in Australia today have the the traditionally UK Christmas roast, some poeple in the country still maintain old customs but not the main society.

Same as with beverages. Years ago tea used to be the main cuppa, today is coffee. Beer used to be the main alcoholic drink, today is wine.

And most people prefer drinking water and coffee today.

Excellent point.

He might not even feel ready to spend Christmas with her family given that it's only been a season and a half of dating.

OP you should encourage him to spend it with his own family.

It sounds as though the boyfriend's sobriety is built on sand and that your sister's on tenterhooks in case he weakens and starts drinking again. The question is what will she do if he does fall off the wagon?

TBH, your sister sounds very similar to a friend I used to have - in a relationship with an alcoholic and perpetually on edge. He was either "dry" and vowing never to touch another drop or drinking himself into oblivion. Sadly, her obsession with his habits became virtually her only topic of conversation; while it was very interesting to her, it bored everyone else to death.

I would crack on with Christmas as you like it and stock up on tissues to hand to her at other times of the year.

Maybe it’s sister who is afraid of being around alcohol incase she starts drinking again

Well of course - Spain and Australia are much warmer climates than the UK, particularly Australia!

I’m a recovering alcoholic. She’s being ridiculous. Her partner should absolutely be able to manage what social situations feel safe and which don’t. I’m 3 years sober. I serve alcohol at Christmas. It doesn’t bother me. If it did, I wouldn’t put myself in situations that would jeopardise my sobriety.

That’s my responsibility to manage, not anybody else’s. My guess is that your sister is a bit codependent and this is probably coming from her anxiety rather than from him.

Yes, a boozy Christmas can be annoying. I get sick of everyone drunk and waffling on. But I either don’t go, leave early (I can drive!), or if it’s in my house, I go to bed. 😂

It’s fine to serve alcohol. They can choose together if they are comfortable being there. Just don’t make them feel uncomfortable if they give it a miss. Everyone gets to choose what works for them and that’s fine.

it also occurs to me that in both cases, its a massive invasion of privacy for a partner to discuss their partner's illness in such detail.

It would be a cold day in hell before I agreed to Christmas dinner without cava flowing freely, never mind the rest of it 🤣

I actually wouldn’t go tbh. I’d stay at home and have Christmas with my own family, glass in hand.

A friend was “forced” to have an alcohol free family Christmas one year. They still talk about how miserable it was.
(No, none of them drink to excess. They just enjoy a drink at Christmas. As do many of us.)

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him

this was your compromise

what is her compromise? - as controlling everyone else's alcohol consumption over 3 day holiday is not a comprimise

Id also wonder if her b/f who has been dry for 3 years realises that she has asked this of everyone?

Yes, a boozy Christmas can be annoying. I get sick of everyone drunk and waffling on. But I either don’t go, leave early (I can drive!), or if it’s in my house, I go to bed..

Wouldn't be great if you could enjoy a Christmas meal without worrying about everyone getting drunk? Wouldn't you be happier if the people loving you put your health and well being first?

Frankly, going to bed because you have an addiction and get triggered by drunks in your home it's worse than the OP's scenario.

YANBU. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I will never drink again. I will always need to be careful. BUT I'd be absolutely horrified at the idea of others changing their behaviour because of me. There's still loads of alcohol in our house because my husband quite likes a drink. It's my problem to manage, not anyone else's. If I started thinking that I couldn't cope with people around me drinking, it'd be time for me to consider treatment/therapy options.

If I were them and I felt uncomfortable around alcohol perhaps due to relapse or whatever, I’d just bow out. No way would I expect folks to abstain on my account. YANU

We like a drink but at Christmas we really relax. It’s good food, good drink, films and games. We start with Buck’s Fizz and breakfast baguettes about 10:30 and go on from there with tea and coffee in between. I couldn’t imagine not spoiling ourselves at Christmas.

Yes, we get it-yours is the place to go for a really ascetic time, but for most of us, Christmas is associated with plenty, even excess. It's about a few days of having treats you would not usually have in quantity, or at all, and that tradition is embedded in many cultures, it's not just a British thing.

From your update, it sounds like your sister is doing a 'pick me for Christmas' dance...

Do you think this is part of a larger pattern - her bending herself out of shape to fit around him? Because if so, that is pretty unhealthy and should definitely not be indulged or facilitated...

I’m currently dealing with a similar situation. I’ve offered a compromise and she’s standing fast on her demand so I’ve said that she is best to have her Christmas her way, in her house. Your offer was generous for alcohol-free Christmas dinner. The Christmas Eve party sounds like a demand too far on your sisters part.

Her boyfriend isn't family he's some bloke she's been shagging for all of a few months. She doesn't get to dictate arrangements in someone else's home to accommodate him. If he can't be around others drinking that's his problem to deal with not yours. If he's not touched alcohol for three years then I'm not sure a few drinks at Christmas is going to make him suddenly want to relapse and drink again. Unless she's not being honest about him being completely sober and doesn't want him drinking to save embarrassment. You're being more than reasonable inviting him at all, I can only guess that she doesn't even live with this bloke yet if she's not even been with him a year. If she wants a booze free Christmas to accommodate him she can go elsewhere with him

Nope. Fuck that. Why can’t she go to his family with him instead?

I would not entertain this.

My brother was a recovering alcoholic and was fine with people drinking while he was there. It's all part of the recovery being in situations like that, he has to understand he can never have alcohol again and deal with it.

I had a drink problem and been sober now 5 years. I’d never expect anyone else to have an alcohol free house especially at Christmas. Sounds like he needs to do more work on himself to remove the desire to drink. I’m not tempted by it at all even if everyone else round me is drinking.

This is a hugely unreasonable request. And it would be a firm no from me. The fact you’re even willing to have an alcohol free Xmas dinner is a step more than I’d take,

if he’s such issues he can’t be round booze then I’d say he’s significant risk of relapse, it’s irrelevant though, this is you and your families Xmas and you deserve to enjoy it the way you wish and she can’t force everyone to change for him,

it’s far from ok,

She is saying her partner is family No he's not! she's been with him since May, he is not a family member...

Lol. Of course you're not being unreasonable. I barely drink at all, will probably be totally sober at Christmas, and she's ridiculous to demand this.

It would just be normal alcohol consumption, as per each adult's desire, with no alcohol free anything. I'd just say no to the entire request.

What about the larger groups happiness