DH and burial/funeral wishes

[Mamma19293839]

DH and I are drawing up wills and letters of wishes. I said I wanted a simple burial, no funeral or ceremony. We have a very small handful of friends and family, have moved around a lot so no community. I don’t want music or poems - I’ve become very unsentimental about such things. I’m thinking mainly of my DS who is ND and wouldn’t be able to sit through a ceremony for more than a minute and how for him it’s better to play it by ear and allow him a simple goodbye. If DS was pushed to do more then it could be very upsetting for him - if it was tomorrow he’d probably become overwhelmed and want to leave and DH would be the only one who could leave with him and it just makes a difficult event worse. I think as with many things when pushing DS,
it’s best to keep expectations low.

This has really upset DH who says a funeral and ceremony is for the living and I should be thinking about more than DS (I should be thinking of DH of course and I have a a younger DD too). I know what he’s getting at but I’m just trying to be realistic, plus I’m frustrated at how emotional DH is being over this scenario that I don’t expect to play out for many decades. He probably thinks I’m being very cold.

I’ll probably add to the letter of wishes that it’s fine if people want to say some informal
words. And that in the event that both DH and I go at the same time to defer to his letter of wishes for a joint burial.

I’m curious what others think. I don’t think my ask is that unreasonable and that a burial doesn’t need to follow some format and it can be whatever you want it to be.

Yes of course I know this. But this is literally the last thing I will be requesting for myself, for DS.

You disagree with how your husband parents his son and want to influence that after your death?

Sounds like you already have problems in the relationship and you should focus on those.

Thanks for your amazing insight into the difficulties of parenting a child with complex ND.

How old are your children? It sounds like your DS is young, given you’ve said DD is too young to express a view. So you and DH are potentially in your 30s/40s. I’m in a similar age bracket and I know some people with wills and views about how they would want their funeral to be, but plenty who think that’s a long way away and no use thinking about it now - I don’t judge them for that.

To your question about whether it would be OK to ignore DH’s wishes for his own funeral if it didn’t work for your DS - yes, I think this would be wrong. If DS really couldn’t be brought around to hearing new music/being part of a crowd (and PP has previously noted that he is young and this may change over the course of his life) then he should only attend part of it. I think it would be unfair to ignore DH’s stated wishes for his own funeral because DS wouldn’t tolerate it. In the same way as it would be unfair if your DD grows up not being able to play her own music, or have friends over, or other limitations because of DS’s disabilities. Glass child syndrome is very real.

The problem is that if he can’t attend part of it then myself and DD wouldn’t be able to attend that part either.

I mean we work hard to make sure DD gets to explore her own interests etc and that sometimes means separating DD and DS so both their needs are met. I think that’s quite different from a burial which only happens once and I think the DC should be a part of if they want to be. And as DS is the least tolerant my preference would be to put his needs first.

Since time immemorial man has burned or buried their dead and mourned them.
Funerals in some shape or form have been held for thousands of years,
Now it’s suddenly become very fashionable for a ‘Pure Cremation’ body disposal.
I think it’s bloody awful . Funerals are to celebrate and mourn the dead -they are not for the dead though, they are for the living to help us come to terms with our loss, to ensure the soul goes wherever an individual believes it goes and to say goodbye.
It’s utterly selfish IMHO to have these impersonal , cheap body disposals. Because that’s all they are. Don’t kid yourself it’s a funeral.

My DH and DD both autistic still struggle with the lack of funeral for DFIL eight years ago. Just gone. No chance to say goodbye.

But hey! Let’s just ignore centuries, millennia of funerals and saying goodbye to our loved ones because it’s cheap!