DH and burial/funeral wishes

[Mamma19293839]

DH and I are drawing up wills and letters of wishes. I said I wanted a simple burial, no funeral or ceremony. We have a very small handful of friends and family, have moved around a lot so no community. I don’t want music or poems - I’ve become very unsentimental about such things. I’m thinking mainly of my DS who is ND and wouldn’t be able to sit through a ceremony for more than a minute and how for him it’s better to play it by ear and allow him a simple goodbye. If DS was pushed to do more then it could be very upsetting for him - if it was tomorrow he’d probably become overwhelmed and want to leave and DH would be the only one who could leave with him and it just makes a difficult event worse. I think as with many things when pushing DS,
it’s best to keep expectations low.

This has really upset DH who says a funeral and ceremony is for the living and I should be thinking about more than DS (I should be thinking of DH of course and I have a a younger DD too). I know what he’s getting at but I’m just trying to be realistic, plus I’m frustrated at how emotional DH is being over this scenario that I don’t expect to play out for many decades. He probably thinks I’m being very cold.

I’ll probably add to the letter of wishes that it’s fine if people want to say some informal
words. And that in the event that both DH and I go at the same time to defer to his letter of wishes for a joint burial.

I’m curious what others think. I don’t think my ask is that unreasonable and that a burial doesn’t need to follow some format and it can be whatever you want it to be.

It is very usual to plan your own funeral. Very many people discuss what they would like tor their own funeral or leave their wishes written down. It’s not “dictating” your funeral, but expressing your wishes which most people would want to respect for their loved one.

There is something far deeper than the funeral going on here.

If a funeral is for the living why is it about the dead. I mean why does everyone want to go and stand and be sad claiming to pay their respects to the dead when the dead didn’t want that. Not very respectful.

Go have a drink on them or say a poem to the void. Have a prayer in private. It doesn’t need to be a song and dance especially if the dead didn’t want that.

Rather disrespectful rather than paying respects.

I think he would want to attend! And if he’s not managed lightly then his upset is off the scale and make it worse for everyone else - and I really only care about DH DS and DD here.

yea but it sounds like she is trying to convince her husband that she is correct and her sons needs must be considered first, her husband does not agree that the funeral should be solely about accommodating her son, and doesn’t seem to understand her sons needs as well as she does.

Just let your DH do what seems best to him at the time.

I think funerals are very comforting. I hope they don't die out. All the funerals I've been to have ultimately been life affirming experiences, even though very sad.

I wonder whether you can phrase your wishes more flexibly? You don't say how old your DS is but his capacities and wants will change over time. Can you say you'd like any planned ceremony to take account of his needs and to be accessible for him? This might look like him attending for part of it, or there being two ceremonies.

I have been very vocal that I don’t want a funeral for me in any way shape or form, no ceremony no nothing. If Dds want to mark the day in some way they can go for a picnic near the water together and with DH if he’s still around and that’s it, no fuss no people that’s not me and it’s not DDs. If DH goes ahead I swear I will haunt him. Dd1 however would kill him first so it’s irrelevant. In your case I think it’s important to consider your DS now because when the time comes it won’t necessarily be thought of ahead and could cause upset for your DH on the day

Do you think the lack of a funeral contributed to the grief and difficulty dealing with it?

Don’t answer if you don’t want to give any further information but were these premature deaths or otherwise traumatic bereavement or were they at the time of life when they would be expected? I’m just try to understand the effects of having no funeral.

My mum and dad both wish to be cremated but except from that want exactly the same and so do I. We as a family are very lucky that all 3 of us would probably have standing room funerals with how many would attend but we all just can’t imagine anything worse. My husband does not get it at all but I don’t care, I honestly wouldn’t even care if he picked my ashes up.

Thanks, that’s helpful

I 100% agree with you, OP. I don't want a funeral for myself either - and as it's my last wish, I expect it to be respected. My husband hates funerals, so I'm pretty sure he'll be OK with the Zero Hassle plan.
I hate any kind of fuss in life, so it would be ridiculous to have a fuss when I'm dead.

I'm interested in your idea that funerals prolong grieving. I think having a funeral allows for a closure/goodbye but without one things just drift on.

OP has started the thread presumably to get others’ thoughts on the situation. It sounds very complicated and is definitely something OP and her DH need to discuss further, taking into account the whole family’s needs.

I was just responding to someone suggesting there is something wrong or unusual about having a say in your own funeral plan, which I think is a pretty normal thing to do.

For me in England at least it’s because it seems to take forever between the death and the funeral even without complications.

You might finally be feeling a little more upbeat and then it’s funeral time and slap in the face back to the death.

We had a relative pass recently. It was very sudden and quite frankly a shock. They had laid out their wishes of no funeral and we all took that very hard. I think something simple and short is much better for everyone’s closure. Your dd may not have an opinion at the moment but she still has to be thought about

I think it’s best not to over-plan. You don’t need to write anything at all but if you must, just give a rough idea and let others decide the detail.

I work in the funeral industry and disagree. I did a funeral for a lady in her 80s and there had to be 100 people there. This is not uncommon. The next funeral at the crematorium was similar.

Remember from the moment we climbed down from the trees we have had funeral services in some way or other.

Op I think your husband is right. The funeral is about closure and you can't just think about your son. My nan didn't go to my mums funeral mum was 47 nan would have been late 60s...she just couldn't cope. She didn't love her any less for that. And I never stopped loving Nan

I think the currently elderly will continue to have big gatherings for their deaths but I mean todays 20-30 year olds and younger.

I should add that’s looking around at my
family and friends families. They don’t live close, they don’t have large families, no big hobbies, switching jobs and moving cities. Not building their tribe or village to attend.

Older folks stayed in one place a lot of the time. Worked the same company for 30 years plus. They were the granny of the entire neighbourhood.

Funeral plans set before a person dies aren’t legally binding. Your husband would be free to do whatever he wanted if you died.

I think it’s important to consider your DS now because when the time comes it won’t necessarily be thought of ahead and could cause upset for your DH on the day

Yes exactly. I don’t think everything should be done to make a burial accessible for him, and that probably means not having anything organised and just being child-led.

DH is better than most but when he’s upset he forgets about DS’ disabilities and he has too high expectations of him - and I don’t know how clear-headed he’ll be about them if it came to it.

I know! That’s why it’s a letter of WISHES.

But he disagrees with you and will likely do what he wants anyway, if it comes to it.

I'm in the camp that doesn't want a quiet exit and will leave instructions about the music like my MIL did.

Yes you’re stating the obvious here.