DH and burial/funeral wishes

[Mamma19293839]

DH and I are drawing up wills and letters of wishes. I said I wanted a simple burial, no funeral or ceremony. We have a very small handful of friends and family, have moved around a lot so no community. I don’t want music or poems - I’ve become very unsentimental about such things. I’m thinking mainly of my DS who is ND and wouldn’t be able to sit through a ceremony for more than a minute and how for him it’s better to play it by ear and allow him a simple goodbye. If DS was pushed to do more then it could be very upsetting for him - if it was tomorrow he’d probably become overwhelmed and want to leave and DH would be the only one who could leave with him and it just makes a difficult event worse. I think as with many things when pushing DS,
it’s best to keep expectations low.

This has really upset DH who says a funeral and ceremony is for the living and I should be thinking about more than DS (I should be thinking of DH of course and I have a a younger DD too). I know what he’s getting at but I’m just trying to be realistic, plus I’m frustrated at how emotional DH is being over this scenario that I don’t expect to play out for many decades. He probably thinks I’m being very cold.

I’ll probably add to the letter of wishes that it’s fine if people want to say some informal
words. And that in the event that both DH and I go at the same time to defer to his letter of wishes for a joint burial.

I’m curious what others think. I don’t think my ask is that unreasonable and that a burial doesn’t need to follow some format and it can be whatever you want it to be.

Ideally I’d bring him round to my way of thinking. But it seems like most people here think that the wishes of the living overrides the dead, so I’m wondering why even bother with a letter of wishes. 🙄

So stop worrying about things you cannot control.

If he dies first, you get to decide what happens. If you go first, it’s his choice.

And besides, the loss of a parent in childhood is so traumatic anyway, especially for a child with additional needs, that I doubt the funeral arrangements would really register. It pales in insignificance compared to the loss itself.

Who gives a shit? A letter of wishes can be totally ignored and remaining relatives can do what they want.

I agree with your DH. The funeral is for the living and thus your wishes should bear this in mind. People need to say goodbye and a funeral, with its rites and ceremonies, is an excellent way to do this. You will not be there - you will be somewhere nicer, I hope - and so you need to think of those who will be there and who will need the comfort of talking about you, remembering you, playing music that make them think of you and so forth.

I spoke to my children prior to arranging a direct funeral. If they had expressed the wish to have a service I would have changed my mind to help them in their grief. One child was slightly upset at the thought but decided if it was my wish she would abide by it.
Funerals are for the living in my opinion. If they need that final ceremonial goodbye that should count.

Yanbu to want this. And I understand your reasoning too.

However funerals are for the living so I don't think your husband would be unreasonable either if he ignored your wishes.

a very short graveside service where your DH could say some words and hopefully your DS wouldn't get overwhelmed.

Theres no guarantees with DS - he could meltdown or elope. If there’s any sign of DS getting overwhelmed then the solution is to leave and remove the triggers, anything else just makes it worse. The only thing that works is full flexibility. That’s why I don’t think funeral or ceremony would ever work. But I do think DS would want to be there for the burial.

Hmm. The funerals with the greatest numbers of attendees I've ever been to were 21 and 34.

I agree with this. I’ve been to lots of funerals and most I’ve enjoyed some good stories laughed out loud and felt they were exactly what the deceased would want. My DF actually planned his and would have chuckled all though his eulogy and especially his send off music which he choose. But my families Irish so we pride ourselves on a good send off.

The only time I’ve encountered anything uncomfortable or upsetting was last year at a relatives funeral where his partner of a few years was dressed like she was on tv in a black veil and wailed the whole way through it.

I don’t think it’s fair to take away a funeral from DH and dd for ds’s sake, especially if everything else in their lives is about DSs needs. I’d say you don’t want a fuss and as long as DS has someone he can be with or leave with you would like your funeral to be a nice intimate celebration. I’d even add that DS may want to help plan a way to say goodbye.

I can fully picture DS screaming at DH that he wants to leave when last rites are being performed. I don’t think a ceremony would be helpful for anyone in those circumstances.

Then your DS shouldn’t be there.

Your DH, DD and DS can have their own private commemoration at the graveside later.

My parents did this and it was awful. These rituals are actually really important to help grieve and exist for a reason. It also gives some shape to the aftermath

Well what I’m saying is that the burial should be the private commemoration, with just them and no expectation to do anything or say anything unless they want to, and DS is free to be who he is.

I’d expect a 20’year old currently today to get a big turn out.

But today’s 20 years old when they are 80 I don’t. But as I say that’s looking around at how the people I know have picked up moved around and families have gotten smaller with no hobbies to invite new large groups of friends.

If dh died today for example if we remove family. I can think of 5 people that would attend as friends / work and 15 family. Give it 20 years and counting on some of those family members dying but not gaining new friends based of his current life style we keep say 5 family work colleges and family is cut down to 8 of us without adding in possible new grandchildren and such.

I look at my closest friend. 4 family members even in the country. From work a handful of friends. No hobbies. So if she died in another 20’years continuing her current apart from grandchildren but then family members would have died very small again.

The only big funerals I know of all have big social group status or are the heads of large families and known as aunty who lived down the street since before you were born.

I guess I’m not against rituals. If DS is told certain actions need to happen at burials, like throwing a handful of dirt in, laying flowers etc, I think he would understand and want to do it. I think asking him to stay in one place and listen to things he doesn’t understand would be physically difficult for him and dysregulate him.

I work in the funeral industry and disagree. I did a funeral for a lady in her 80s and there had to be 100 people there. This is not uncommon. The next funeral at the crematorium was similar.

My 82yo uncles funeral this year had a massive crowd stood outside because the crematorium was full. People from all ages and parts of his life turned up to say goodbye. The same with my DF (67) who died 9 years ago, several local shop keepers came to say goodbye, colleagues from 20/30 years ago, friends of mine and my siblings.

I really hope funerals don’t die out. I can see why some people don’t want them but a lot of people do. I do think they will evolve, like most things. A friend of mine in her early 50s died recently in New Zealand, her funeral was live streamed so her many friends and family over seas could take part.

If your DH dies first will you plan the kind of funeral your husband would want or put your son first? Possibly some of your husband's upset is related to the answer to that question.

A funeral is about who is left, not about you. I was incredibly upset when a dear friend chose not to have a funeral. I feel like I never had a chance to say goodbye. I am very angry about it and their family found it really hard. She didn’t get a proper send off. People will want to travel and your DH & DS might want it. Why not leave it to them? Put money aside and let them plan it.

How old are you OP, is one of you terminally ill ? I appreciate shit happens and death is part of life and all that but this is pretty depressing stuff if you aren’t old or ill - I guess most won’t agree but I can honestly say we have never discussed it even early and mid 60s - my husband turns over instantly at funeral adverts

I agree.

This is where you can talk to your DH,give DS a space to sit at the back, put his tablet and earphones on, get up and walk around. It dosnt have to be he’s sat in one spot.

When my DF died my in-laws were on hand to take my dd and DNs out if they got overwhelmed. They ended up having a wander around the grounds for about half an hour and met us afterwards.

I have to put DS first because DH doesn’t always remember to put DS first, and I’m not sure he would at my funeral or his. I think I need to state what DS is capable of managing in my letter of wishes because I’m not sure anyone else will if it comes to it.

We’re writing our wills to protect the kids and this is something the solicitor has suggested.

Me too.

I actually think if you can't trust someone with something like this they're probably not the person you should be married to and have in charge of executing your will.

My letter of wishes is basically written only to make it easier for the kids or DH.

I prefer burial, but if it lengthens the wait or adds ££££ to the cost I’ve no objection to cremation.
I don’t mind if they want a formal ceremony or something else.
I’ve given them a list of my 10 favourite readings and 10 songs so if they opt to have any they are not trying to think what I’d like.

I think being too set, even in wishes, will leave family feeling obligated to follow it even if it’ll make things harder for them.
I went to a funeral last year where the lady who died had planned absolutely everything. She and her husband had a song that was “theirs” for their whole marriage. He loved it and their daughters loved it. She put it in the funeral plan, they felt obliged to go with it and now they can’t listen to it as it reminds them of the funeral, rather than just of her.

The main thing I want from leaving my wishes is that my family don’t feel obliged to do anything that will make a difficult time harder.