DH and burial/funeral wishes

[Mamma19293839]

DH and I are drawing up wills and letters of wishes. I said I wanted a simple burial, no funeral or ceremony. We have a very small handful of friends and family, have moved around a lot so no community. I don’t want music or poems - I’ve become very unsentimental about such things. I’m thinking mainly of my DS who is ND and wouldn’t be able to sit through a ceremony for more than a minute and how for him it’s better to play it by ear and allow him a simple goodbye. If DS was pushed to do more then it could be very upsetting for him - if it was tomorrow he’d probably become overwhelmed and want to leave and DH would be the only one who could leave with him and it just makes a difficult event worse. I think as with many things when pushing DS,
it’s best to keep expectations low.

This has really upset DH who says a funeral and ceremony is for the living and I should be thinking about more than DS (I should be thinking of DH of course and I have a a younger DD too). I know what he’s getting at but I’m just trying to be realistic, plus I’m frustrated at how emotional DH is being over this scenario that I don’t expect to play out for many decades. He probably thinks I’m being very cold.

I’ll probably add to the letter of wishes that it’s fine if people want to say some informal
words. And that in the event that both DH and I go at the same time to defer to his letter of wishes for a joint burial.

I’m curious what others think. I don’t think my ask is that unreasonable and that a burial doesn’t need to follow some format and it can be whatever you want it to be.

To be frank, I think if your DH isn’t capable of caring for your DS then there will be far bigger fish to fry at that kind of time than your funeral.

Sounds like there’s far more at play here than currently hypothetical funeral plans.

Personally, if you're unsentimental, why are you considering anything about it?

Leave it to others to do what suits them at the time - you'll be dead.

I don't care what happens after I die, but I have said a low cost cremation, because I felt it was important to give people permission not to spend loads of money.

It bothers me not a jot if they say "bye" and walk away, or read all of War and Peace. Irrelevant to me.

My mum had a direct cremation and I felt I couldn't say goodbye and it hurt

Same here, it's very hard without a funeral as you feel there is no goodbye and you don't get to see many people who can offer you words of support. I never thought I'd be jealous of someone getting to have a funeral until my Mum didn't.

Sorry OP completely projecting here. It's your wishes that matter most really and however you think your DS will cope best is important.

I agree that funerals are for the living and that the primary mourners should have the final say.

Personally I found that planning and attending my parents’ funerals really helped me with the grieving process. I know it sounds odd but I actually enjoyed their funerals.

Obviously I don’t know your son, but I’d have thought it would be possible to devise some sort of ceremony that wasn’t traumatic for him. They can be happy joyous occasions to celebrate a person’s life as much as mourning their death.

I do think your wishes should be taken into account,

my mum has stipulated a family only service at the crematorium then back to her church for a celebration of her life with friends and family. I’ve asked her to write this all down and date and sign it as I know other family members will have issues but I will follow through with her wishes. This is kept with all her paperwork.

Thanks, yes this is a nice way of thinking about it.

To be honest I don’t think DH even wants to think about it. We’ve had all summer to do this. We have mirror wills and letters of wishes. I researched the woodland. I told DH what I’d written and if he wanted his to be different then to send it on to the solicitor, otherwise she will default to making them identical. He hasn’t wanted to talk about it or done anything and he hasn’t even read what I wrote - we’re only just discussing the details now because I want to finalise asap.

So I think if it came to planning my funeral and ceremony he wouldn’t know what he wanted and he wouldn’t think about it until the last minute. I think he’d probably be offered a package of stuff and he’d pick one and it wouldn’t be something anyone wanted or put any thought into, or be appropriate for DS, he’d just pick it because he grieving and it’s the option in front of him or because someone who doesn’t know is told him this is best. I think minimalist suits us better but I’ve given this a lot more thought that he has.

My MIL did a direct cremation and it was awful for the family - so much so that it's really solidified both me and my DH in absolutely wanting a funeral. I don't care what kind of funeral, how it's arranged, etc., but we both now think you need to do something after someone passes. There's a reason that every culture in the world has some sort of ceremony or ritual around death, it's not for the deceased person, it helps the living.

Yes of course, caring for a complex ND child there’s a lot more going on and our life is very difficult. I’m not going to write it all down. DH is capable of caring for DS but he’s not as attuned to his needs as I am.

I think you are concentrating too much on your son and not enough on other family members. Your DH is right, funerals are for the living and people need a chance to say goodbye properly. Your son will undoubtedly find your death hard, whenever it occurs but if you go first, I’d trust your DH to deal with the situation as it is at the time. Trying to predict how people will react years in the future is not a good idea.

YANBU. If that's what you want, it should be respected. And you have sensible reasons for wanting it, too.

My in-laws both want immediate cremation with no funeral or fuss, and so do my husband and I. Funerals are expensive, can bring people out of the woodwork who you don’t want present, and don’t do anything that a quiet hour of contemplation can't do. I think it’s fine if family decide to have a little memorial party of their own accord in the days after for people to attend if they wish, but that’s entirely separate to a funeral.

I am considering what everyone has written here and I appreciate people taking the time to write it.

I’m looking up burial rituals in the UK and thinking about the cost of it all, and how much I’d rather it was saved for DD and DS, who if he isn’t living with us will be some kind of supported living his whole life.

I don’t actually want be be cremated unless is more expedient. Isn’t it enough to throw some dirt in with the body and say goodbye?

I guess I’ve become unsentimental because of raising DS who is of very few words. Words mean so little now. Only actions seem meaningful.

I don't think you're unreasonable in itself. With the cost of a funeral and how traumatic the funeral we had to go through for our daughter was, I have said the same thing. No funeral for me. Straight to the cemetery.

The thing is though, I also know from experience that the needs of the living are very important. So I have tempered it by telling DH that I don't want or need a funeral, however, if the children feel very strongly that there must be a funeral, that should be the deciding factor.

I have made it clear to my adult children that I want the cheapest funeral ie body to crematorium and they go to a restaurant with my dearest friends,raise a glass ,have chosen what music I want them to listen / dance to and donate to our local air ambulance charity.

Is it not better for your husband to work out what is best for everyone at the time, knowing the circumstances of your death and the mental state of your children and ability to cope at that point in time? How your son is now may be quite different in 25 years or whatever.

So if your DH writes his wishes for his funeral you'll ignore them?

What counts as “naff music”?

Because I am also thinking practically about DS, who I would like to attend if he wants to, but he would not cope with ceremony full of traditions and songs and talking. It would make an unbearable time for him even more unbearable. No one else is going to think about this until that moment when it occurs to DH that whatever is planned may not actually be accessible to him. I know it’s all hypothetical but life with DS is all
about planning for worst case scenarios and hoping for the best. And I don’t think it’s too much of an ask actually - the plan is no plan, keep it minimalist and informal.

Can I put back to you, if DH’s wishes are contradictory, that he would like DS to be there but his wishes include things that DS can’t tolerate, is it acceptable to ignore part of those wishes?

I think what DS needs is flexibility and freedom to be himself, and DH doesn’t always provide that, especially when he’s upset and dysregulated himself.

Surely he hears music that isn’t his music all the time and doesn’t freak out?

Well if you die first I’m afraid many decisions will be down to your husband, not just around your funeral, and him and your children will need to work it out.

I agree with you I I don't want a funeral either I'm doing it like my dad did I want to be cremated and no service

I’ll be happy with an unattended cremation. I’ve been to enough funerals to think they are generally miserable affairs.

Whoever is left behind can decide what they want to do as a remembrance - hopefully a big party where they can have a few beers and swap stories.

He asks for it to be turned off. If it can’t he moves away from it. He can’t always wear ear defenders because he has other sensitivities. If you push him too hard he gets dysregulated and if you keep pushing it spirals to a meltdown. It’s a very restricted way of living and we don’t do a lot outside that most families do.