Holiday with ILs without me knowing

[peregrinelane]

DH has agreed for us to go on a week long holiday abroad with ILs (large family of 14+ people) without asking me. We have a young baby. It’s all agreed and accommodation and dates picked 🤯

Maybe spend the whole holiday playing thick and sweet with your in laws while telling everyone how inconsiderate you husband.

"Oh I had no idea about this holiday until x weeks ago, he surprised me with the booking!"
"You wouldn't belive the number of things I had to cancel last minute to be here with all of you."
"Oh so we are doing x activity today? I hope I packed the right shoes, I had no clue we were going on holiday let alone what we would be doing."
"FIL have you ever surprised MIL with a holiday? How did you handle the logistics of packing and rearranging commitments behind her back?"

So that’s why he doesn’t respect you, you don’t respect yourself.

With that many people surely you don't have to join in with everything? And you can use baby as an excuse for dropping out . Are these family trips your only holiday . I know that I would have hated going on holiday with my ILs .

You really need to take a stand or you will be bullied and disrespected all your married life. If it was me, I would not be going anywhere I wasn't consulted on. You sound like a doormat and no-one but you can change that. Balls in your court.

In that case I’d stay home with baby and let him go on his own. That will teach him never to do this again. If you go, he will continue to assume he can do this.

He doesn’t get to commit family money to a big ticket item like a holiday without your agreement first, surely your marriage is a democracy not a dictatorship? Or does he think your time and your money are his to spend as he wishes?

Yeah that's the worst possible answer. So he took your vote away from you? Controlling. I wouldn't go and I'd be fuming.

No there aren't, there's 2.

Playing (semi) devil's advocate - what would your reaction have been if your DH had asked you about going on this holiday?

Your DH is 100% in the wrong for agreeing to all of this without speaking to you first BUT I am in a similar position to him when it comes to holidaying with my family and I literally dread bringing it up with DH, so I feel like I can understand your DH a bit. In fact, I am currently sitting on this conversation and waiting for a good time to bring it up because I just can't be bothered with the agg.

With my DH, I know he won't want to go, or he'll try and push it to different dates or to a different location etc because he likes a different type of holiday to my family...it's just hard work vs when I just agree to our annual holiday with his family with no arguments. I would just like to enjoy a nice holiday with my family as we do with his - albeit quite different types of trips.

Are you on maternity leave, could that be why he thought it would be ok to agree? Not saying it is ok if that's why.

Basically I am just asking - what would your response have been if he had floated the idea with you before confirming with them?

Why not? It’s not just your baby! It’s his too. If you were separated, this would happen once or twice per year

Of course a dad can take his child on holiday without permission from the mum

Not if she refuses permission he can’t.

He can in this country.

Which country? In UK if one parent objects to another parent taking the child out of the country, even on holiday, the only way to legally do it is via a Specific Issues Order from the courts.

I don’t think OP needs to concern herself with that though as it looks like she’s just going to roll over.

I meant a parent can take a child on holiday within the country without permission.

If the baby is new then it’s the perfect time to say no, even if you’ve said yes in the past. The baby is your family now and you need to do what is best for them.

Do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. DH will know he can ride roughshod over you for evermore.

Depends how old the baby is...might be breastfed etc.

Taking a baby under 1 away without its mum would be hard work for whoever attempted it, even dad.

So please explain how that actually works

Yep. And that's all there is to it.

So many women on this site just need to learn how to say No.

The parent formally objects to their child being taken abroad using a Prohibited Steps Order.

Oh I see! Yes, absolutely. But OP says the holiday is abroad.

Completely unacceptable on his part

Structuring the conversation in the way that has been suggested - ie talk about how bad it was that he did this without talking to you, knowing you would hate it - and only then about the specific holiday, is a good idea. But it seems to me that your choices are as follows:

• Go, but tell him that if he ever does anything like this again you will not fall in with the plans. Not to mention be absolutely furious.
• Do not go, and produce an excuse for the ILS (and don't care what their reaction will be) - baby too young, work committment, medical reason, previous committment ....or simply that the holiday isn't your thing. DH can go or stay.

But much depends on context - are you safe with DH if you refuse or give an ultimatum? Would you be able to go on holiday to somewhere you do like, either with or without him? Do the ILS know you don't like this kind of holiday or have you always kept you preferences to yourself/DH, and they arent really aware of the strength of your feelings?
It seems to me that the key is in the phase - its their way or the highway - in this case you can choose the highway, but with no bad or hard feelings towards them - you like being with them but this activity is not for you. I can see that DH might have just got pushed into it himself (or he might just be over controlling - its hard to tell from the information).

I know lots of posters have said things like grow a backbone/set boundaries but my personal belief is that relationships with in laws are very frequently tricky. Its hard to predict what problems there will be and I get the feeling that DH doing this took you really by surprise. But you do need clarity now and the strength to make it stick. This kind of thing is really tied in with the ILS future relationship with the children, and how much notice they will take of you about how you want to bring them up, and about how clearly you can articulate what you want and like/dont like. You've got this, its just that you didnt grow up with this kid of family, so you have to think about it and develop techniques for dealing with it.

I said up thread that this could be dh and family making their type of holiday the accepted way you holiday in the future. If you dont stand up now, you'll be doing it in 20 years.