Holiday with ILs without me knowing

[peregrinelane]

DH has agreed for us to go on a week long holiday abroad with ILs (large family of 14+ people) without asking me. We have a young baby. It’s all agreed and accommodation and dates picked 🤯

Is this a unusual lack of consideration and communication? Would he be okay if you signed him up to a holiday of your choice without consultation?

My DH would never agree to me doing anything, not even going for a coffee with someone, without asking. I might have other plans. I am a wife and mother but still very much my own person in his eyes, and vice versa.

However I can't imagine not wanting to go on holiday with all his family even if it wasn't my ideal sort of trip. I wouldn't want him to miss out and he might not have gone without me when the children were little as it would've seemed unfair to leave me with all the childcare.

It's a complicated situation, but he most certainly should have asked you and accepted your refusal. You are not obligated to go at all. It does make me wonder if he makes other decisions without consultation too though.

Well, if you always do, then nothing will change. You can start standing up for yourself or just accept that this is your life. There’s really no third option.

I like them but time spent with them is always very specific about what they like to do (they are all very similar) and everyone always has to stay together and do everything together

My husband doesn’t have this issue the other way around cause I don’t have any family. These relationships are important to me but I always feel completely bulldozed.

Why? Why does he think this is ok? Why would you let him. Do not capitulate to make others comfortable on this issue- they need to respect your boundaries . This would be a huge deal for me.

Not really the point though is it ? A fait accompli to get what he wants and OP just has to suck it up ?

I think that he didnt give you an opportunity to decide on this is unpleasant and a bit coercive.If he had asked would you have agreed?

How old is your baby? Are you getting any sleep?

What's your question? How to get out of it? How to make the best of it?

I like spending time with my inlaws, same number of people, and we holiday together regularly, but DH would absolutely not book or agree to anything without speaking to me first, that's ridiculous and very disrespectful of you.

Does he normally control you in this way?

It's unreasonable that he's not even had a conversation with you about it.
However...why would you not want to go?

Of course you feel bulldozed. You are being bullied into this.

You can accept it and expect a lifetime of the same behaviour, or stand up for yourself.

Because we are already doing a 1 week holiday with them next year. And I find group holidays, even with ILs, quite intense when I have no say in destination, accommodation or activities.

Except you, evidently.

no money has been exchanged yet but I tried to explain to him that if we back out now I’m the one it will look bad on. I fear deep down they think I’m a snob, but we are just different.

And when you come back you say "and next year we will be doing (fill in appropriate holiday) which is my choice. End of, no discussion, just tell him what's going to happen.

I’m sorry op but this is why your husband treats you so disrespectfully. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

he is a bully. And it’s worse than just not caring enough to ask, he deliberately didn’t ask because he knew you wouldn’t want to, and booked it anyway. Knowing you would hate it.

your only possible option of making a stand is not going at all - booking a glorious solo holiday instead at the same time (I’ve been on many and love them - hiking groups, yoga trips etc) . Appreciate that’s difficult for you because of your baby, but it’s only a week and the message will be strong.

He's left you in a no win situation hasn't he. Yes you could suck it up and go but you'll be pissed off the whole time and he's got away with being sneaky and still getting his way.

If you put your foot down and don't go, as you have pointed out, it makes you look like the bad guy.

I'd be mighty pissed off with him but I don't know what the answer is. I'm sorry you're in this position.

So, you are already going away for a week with them and he wants to book another week? No way! If the second week hasn't been booked yet just explain that you dont want to spend so much of your holiday time with other people.
If my dh wants me to do something that I don't want to I just say no.

No, that's bang out of order. The only correct way to do that is to ask you if you would like to go. He doesn't get to make the decision for you and dictate where you go and what you do. That's so controlling. Indeed, it's like something from the 19th century where the man just makes all the decisions and little wifey isn't allowed to think for herself.

I would not tolerate this.

I don’t think it makes her look like the bad guy at all. ‘No thanks, those types of holidays aren’t for me. Bob didn’t ask me when he booked it. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.’

This is my instinct but I know it would be outrageous to ILs if this happened.

Sign him up for some things you want to do, but he doesn’t specifically. Then ask him how it feels to have your feeling and choice taken away completely

A one-sided one by the sounds of it 😶

So what? That’s on him. And them for not bringing him up with any manners or respect for others.