Holiday with ILs without me knowing

[peregrinelane]

DH has agreed for us to go on a week long holiday abroad with ILs (large family of 14+ people) without asking me. We have a young baby. It’s all agreed and accommodation and dates picked 🤯

What?!? Why didn't he talk to you about it?

Why has he done this? What’s his justification?

He doesn’t want us not to go and he knows it’s not the type of holiday I would choose

I'd love a holiday. If you really want to go I'll take your place. How tall are you?

Your DH can take the baby and go away with his family. You can have a week at home on your own doing whatever you like.

Can you compromise and you get to pick the next holiday?

God I can't think of anything worse. Can't he go by himself?

If you don't want to go stay at home.

So, his justification is that he wants to go and doesn’t care what you want?

What sort of holiday is it?

How extremely disrespectful of him.

Be aware how far he has shifted the conversation by presenting it to you as a fait accomplie. Are there other aspects of your life together where your half of the decision making has been quietly eroded?

We already have a holiday booked with everyone next year for a week

I don’t want to say too much but it’s abroad and it’s in a budget family resort

its not my ideal but with the right approach I would consider it but it’s the complete disregard for my input

i suppose there are a lot of people to consider

I wouldn’t want him to take baby without me

He can go and you can stay home with your baby.

The answer to this is
'aw no thank you, but you go and have a lovely time'

don't get into justifications or he'll have an answer for everything, the most I'd say is 'I just don't really fancy it' but don't get into specifics

How did you find out?

Well, you still don't have to go, you have free will! :-)

Is it really that bad that you want to foster bad feelings with your in laws by refusing to go? Sometimes you just have to suck things up for the long game of good relationships.

Same could bw said to the dh who doesn't communicate!

i suppose there are a lot of people to consider

Please don't justify/excuse his actions, you are supposed to be the main person he considers. You are right to be annoyed he didn't ask you first.

Well he can’t take your child abroad without your permission so stop worrying about that.

I would tell him he has completely bullied you and you aren’t having it. You and DC will not be going. He can do what he likes, but not to be surprised if he destroys his marriage by his actions.

The money is already wasted I presume? I would be absolutely fucking livid. He has zero respect or care for you.

Agreed, but it should also be the start of a conversation with DH about not making decisions like this with discussing with you first. Maybe say you will go this time to avoid bad feelings but if he ever agrees to anything like this again without a discussion then he might well be going alone.

Also I hope this week is not your only holiday of the year and that you get the chance to choose something more up your street for the next holiday. I would be mightily pissed off if my main, or only, holiday of the year was arranged without my input.

No I will go. I always do.

Yes, and for your husband you should be the FIRST person to consider! Don't accept this shabby treatment - it will get set in stone for the rest of your marriage. Decisions have to be made together.

I'd go but if you don't really like them make sure you get plenty of time alone both with baby and without. And don't ask his permission or how it suits him first, just leave him to get on with it, like he's doing to you now. If you go but do what you want the whole time you're there, without announcing it to anyone, then nobody can have an opinion on it and you'll have fun. Leave him to drop you a text or call when he wants to find out where you are each time and every time he grumps about how annoying that is, feed his own words back to him...you wanted to do it but didn't want him to say no, so you just didn't tell him.