Holiday with ILs without me knowing

[peregrinelane]

DH has agreed for us to go on a week long holiday abroad with ILs (large family of 14+ people) without asking me. We have a young baby. It’s all agreed and accommodation and dates picked 🤯

I can see the difficulty.
And I think your DH has acted badly in the way he's handled this and you have to nip that in the bud now.. that cannot be allowed to happen again without consulting you.

But for me it would be a case of weighing up the pros and cons. Since you've said you will probably go but unwillingly. It would also be a case of carving out time for yourself to spend doing what you want.
Other things I'd be thinking about include.

Can you afford it in terms of annual leave and finances.
Is he desperate to go or just can't say no.
Is it that you feel one week already booked and now a second?

Might it be possible that he himself will find it all a bit wearing by the end of the week and be less likely to want to repeat it.
If you did go I would insist that you go out just the three of you on your own at least twice in the week.

Is the kind of place where you could take baby out with you on your own, go for walks, go on day trips?
Or is it that you don't enjoy the same kind of activities.

I feel that with a very small baby, you have quite a good excuse not to take part in those, especially in the evenings and could entertain yourself and baby quietly.
If its in a hotel, you'd have several opportunities to go off on your own.

Would they babysit so you and dh could have an evening off?

(my personal anxiety would be having to leave a small child in the care of a group of careless relatives insisting on having them around a pool or sea, especially if the people have proven to not be as careful and as watchful as a parent)

I don't expect you to answer all these particulars here, but just listing factors I would make my decision on. I mean, if it is really unbearable and youcan't stand it then say no. But if you've decided you can put up with it for DH sake, then go. But either way, make sure he understands he can't just sign you up for things liek this again.

Seems strange if he never discussed it at all, unless he wanted to surprise you and get everything sorted as a treat? In the past, women have often arranged absolutely everything, and there's even posts on here about women fed up their husband is like another kid, who doesn't even know where they're going.
I personally like to discuss and share planning, but unless he's booked something you really hate, like a jungle holiday when you're scared of that, just make the most of it. It'll be great to make memories as a family, and they'll maybe even do some babysitting so you both get some relax time. It's fine to say much as you appreciate him not being a babyman leaving all the work to you, in future you'd like to plan together though.

Well said. My DH would not dream of doing this, and neither would I to him.

Quite frankly, OP, you need to make his life very uncomfortable over this. He’s treating you like a child. You have to do as he says and he decides things for you.

Don’t go. Once they know they can bully you into a holiday, they’ll spend your money for you every chance they get.

Unfortunately it’s not something I would enjoy. Again don’t want to give it away!
and he 100% knows I would prefer not to be going

I like my in laws they are just very our way or the high way when it comes to spending time together, which is a bit of a shame

also to clarify it two separate 1 week holidays, not an add on to an existing week

i would like to try and do separate things but it’s in the middle of nowhere and if you so much as go to the toilet everyone wonders where you are and why you aren’t all together

Sounds stifling & tantamount to bullying!

Been there, done that it , got the t shirt and will never ever do it again!

you don’t need to suck anything up to keep others happy.

this was a discussion , not a just go ahead and book it and it will all be fine.

id be furious and wouldn’t be going, I’m not giving up my annual leave to go on a holiday I won’t enjoy .

Don't go OP. Make a stand! Find your anger.

This holiday is a red herring. It's about a general lack of respect.

Now that you're a parent, it's time to stand up for yourself and practice being assertive. Your child will need a strong advocate. If you continue the way you are, your child may initially feel sorry for you, but they're likely to end up with them joining the group dynamics and having no respect for you either.
Unfortunately there's no option to keep the peace here. You have to take a long-term approach. No more being subservient "for an easy life".

They really don't. Stand firm. Go off and do your own thing some of the time. Leaving him with the baby if you want some alone time. Like I said before, don't ask, just do it. Anyone with anything to say afterwards just walk away from them, literally, they're being rude so you can too. Book yourself on an excursion without them all. If baby wakes you early and he's still asleep, settle baby then go by yourself to the beach, he can get baby ready and do breakfast that day, who cares if he's hungover. Go back to the hotel "for a lay down because you've got a headache" if you don't want to do an activity, then go do whatever you want instead. Just tell any dissenters it's your holiday too and they don't own you! They'd have to be total control freaks to tell you openly that they don't care it's your holiday too and yes they own you! So if that happens you're justified in telling them straight to fuck off with their controlling behaviour. This is your life unless you make a stand, OP.

The compromise from you is that you go on the holiday despite not wanting to. The compromise from in-laws is that you're not always going to join in with whatever they want to do. The compromise from your husband is he's going to have to solo parent his own child at some points during this holiday, just the same as you'll be doing some of the time too. It's really the absolute bare minimum you'd be asking for and is not in the least unreasonable.

In future if he wants a holiday where you spend the entirety of it as a family, he needs to pick the sort of holiday you like, not just one he likes.

If the in-laws want you to do everything together, they have to be willing to let you choose the activity some of the time, even if it's something they don't like or don't feel like doing or think isn't worth the money it'll cost them. It's the same thing they're expecting from you.

Don't let them all have everything their own way OP, you matter too.

This is something I’d stand my ground on and say no. Tell your husband if he wants to go then go ahead but you aren’t wasting money on a holiday you won’t enjoy, that he knows you won’t enjoy. Especially when you are already going on holiday with them.

Be the bad guy. And don’t give a shit about what they think. It doesn’t sound like they take you into consideration.

I completely understand. My in-laws always want us to go away with them and my BIL, all in the same house. They spend all day together, and would be offended if I wanted to do something separately. I am really introverted and find it really intense and absolutely exhausting being with them from breakfast to bedtime.
I have tried talking to them about it, but they just pull faces at me. I won’t go away with them again - DH can go, and he can take the kids if wants.

I wouldn’t go. You haven’t been asked, haven’t been considered and are just expected to trail along? Absolutely not.

Just don’t go. If the ILs cannot deal with someone saying they don’t fancy sacrificing second week of annual leave to a family holiday not of your chosing they can all just grow up. It’s picked, not booked and paid for so they can just choose something else. The “good relations” go both ways- I would not be keen on people that force me to do things their way constantly with no give. And what does it matter if they think you’re a snob, why would you care??

The fundamental problem here is that nobody involved in this situation respects you, because you roll over every time.

Let them be offended if they want. Taking offence to someone having their own personality and preferences is unreasonable.

If you put your foot down, they might kick back or say some things. So what? The sky is not going to fall in.

You have to start with self respect and that means refusing to accept being taken for granted.

Do you have to go on holiday with them every year?

I would absolutely hit the roof if my DH did this. We are a team - one person does not get to tell the other what we are doing when it’s that big an event!

OP, have you had a discussion with him and told him that you are unhappy about it? If you can’t talk to him then that really doesn’t bode well. If you are prepared to go then you should at least have a couple of days without the wider family while you are there. You also need a promise that he will never do this again.

God, I'd hate a group holiday like this! Glued to each others sides, and expected all to stay together the entire time 😱 My idea of a nightmare!

Your husband is unreasonable to have agreed to the holiday without discussing it with you. He knew the destination isn't one you'd be happy with, so just didn't bother mentioning it.

I think it’s unbelievably presumptuous - I’m all for keeping the peace and I love holidays - but wouldn’t want more than 1 holiday with my in laws

That's out of order, obviously.
Just tell him no. You didn't know about it, so you've had no input, and he is right, it's not something you'd particularly enjoy.
Let him deal with any fallout from his parents. He can explain to them that he tried to railroad you into it.
I don't like the sound of 'No I will go. I always do.' though; does this sort of thing happen often?

Who pays for these holidays?

I fund a short family holiday every year (in the UK, self catering), but even though the total number of people is only seven, everyone is still free to do their own thing, and we still manage to spend plenty of time together, too. All have a say in the location and accommodation (and obviously whether they want to join at all).

That’s out of order and he knows it. You don’t choose a holiday for someone without asking them, unless you’re whisking them away for some sort of birthday surprise or something like that.

There is zero whisking here. He did it to remove your options. Tell him sorry he wasted the money, neither you nor your baby are going.

Just say no, one group holiday a year is enough. It doesn't stop him going if he wants to.