To ask how to respond to inevitable comments from MIL on holiday?

[AllAlongIHaveLaughedWithYou]

Shamelessly posted in aibu for traffic sorry! I don't think iabu but I have a question. I am going abroad with dh and in-laws at the weekend. Mil is lovely but shes bringing her sister - she is is generally a nice person and we get on ( as I am very tolerant! ) but she is if a generation who are obsessed with people's weight, she constantly goes on about people's weight and looks, diet, who has put weight on, who hasn't ( even people I don't know! ) and she will comment on peoples food and portions sizes every time they eat and makes patronising comments to fully grown adults like 'make sure you eat your veg'. I'm pregnant currently and everytime I see her all she goes on about is how hard she found it to lose her baby weight once hers were born over 40 years ago and I am feeling self conscious about a trip I should be looking forward to and probably my last before the baby - especially the all inclusive part! I am very small, it's not that she is triggering any actual insecurities I have but I don't feel very attractive at the moment, I've had really awful sickness and not taken much care of myself for a good few months, my skin is dry and my hair needs dying and I'm going to look rubbish. What do I actually do or say when MIL's sister makes these comments? She will likely say something to DH too who equally feels insecure to the extent he said he wouldn't go swimming around her! Any advice on what to say or how to enjoy the holiday anyway? I'm a bit annoyed MIL invited her tbh, but I guess it's her sister but I probably wouldn't have gone for these reasons if I'd known before hand.

On all four sides of our larger families, I can think of at least one person who can't read the room and is regularly inappropriate, rude or annoying in one way or another.

They're mostly kindly tolerated or humored or just kinda ignored. They're most often elderly, however that fits in. They're not really taken seriously.

Now I'm picturing someone's husband or wife coming in and cutting the family off-kilter person's nonsense off right now, and also possibly instructing other longtime blood relatives on how they need to stand up to the silly old off-kilter person.

Any way I slice it, I'm pretty sure the family member's husband or wife who does this would come out as the one the family would dislike and possibly shun. I am not sure what that means but perhaps it's food for thought. ?

To clarify, I'm not saying this is what the OP plans to do, just what I've seen in some of the comments.

Maybe bring up in a slightly curious / concerned way that you notice she talks a lot about weight and food portions and ask what’s behind it. Maybe their mum was the same and it’s ingrained in her? It might make her stop.

She is old so wont change.
Everyone who loves you knows she is outspoken and rude.
But she is family.

Just be honest like you have been here.
Admit to struggling, to having dry skin, to being not as efficient at loosing the baby weight as you, Aunt Xxx.
Always compliment her and thank her for her suggestions.

That will be easiest. Be kind but don't take her comments to heart.

Stop worrying about what Aunt thinks.
It will never be a secret opinion - she will always blurt out what it is. Be prepared to thank her for her observation and praise her.
Easy to respond that way.

Oh man, this is so hard. I do understand why its hard to call out someone declaring that they won't have bread. If someone else said that, it'd be so innocuous.

I don't think you can really stop this, but can you have fun with it? Could you pretend you've never heard the word bread before, even 10 seconds after ordering it?

Could you be equally tedious about different areas of fitness? Ask her about her vertical jump distance or her grip strength?

I put the questioning right back to them when someone is like this. I have a sister who is blunt and rude, and find this works.

Do you eat bread at lunch and dinner?
Me. Why do you ask?

Are you really going to finish all that spaghetti?
Me. Why do you ask?

You should watch your weight carefully during pregnancy. Are you sure you should eat that?
Me. Why do you ask?

Every single time. Always delivered straight faced, and padding bear stare. Don’t engage and eventually they get the hint.

Well, you can either say nothing and put up with how it makes you feel or you can challenge her by saying: 'Did you mean to be so rude?'.

If she looks puzzled, tell her it is rude to make these sort of comments. Don't get into detailed arguments/justifications. Just tell her it is rude and then either walk away, change the subject or start talking to someone else.

And it is not a generational thing. It is a thing with her!

My mum was like this. Awful. Just say “How about you focus on your own food, Aunty Barbara?”
“I would much prefer to discussfocus the amazing/beautiful/awe-inspiring art/weather/architecture/landscape instead of other women’s figures?”

The first time she talks about managing bread twice a day (or whatever it is) then you respond that yes you are eating bread again, and you fully intend to enjoy doing so while on holiday. Add firmly that 'enjoying' includes not tolerating any rude or belitting remarks regarding anyone's food choices or bodyweight so this had better be the first and last jibe. Turn to MIL and apolgise as you know she doesn't like confrontations, but you needed to be clear from the start about expectations so that nobody has a spoiled trip. Then you say "right, enough of that" and smile and change the subject.

Depending on her reaction you can then decide what 'not tolerating' will look like. Perhaps eating at a separate table if she continues to be disparaging. Mil will be caught in the middle but that's on her for inviting someone who was always going to be awful to you and spoil your trip. You could warn her in advance so she's not too shocked!

Or ... "Oh, you're so funny, Lilian, with your diet obsession! We're calling you Thinsickle Lil on this holiday, haha!" "Oh, there you go again, Thinsickle! Haha!" "It's so adorable that you think bread is bad! In the nicest possible way, you're quite bonkers. Thinsickle."

Lots of PPs have recommended kinder and more civilised approaches (particularly just ignoring her remarks). But she's a bully - with some bullies, bullying them is the only way to get through.

I would get up and move tables. Every time.

First comment, deliver a warning. We are not going to sit with you if you make any comments about food or weight. Second comment.

DH. We are moving tables. Then just move.

All inclusive - easy to do as no bill issues.

@AllAlongIHaveLaughedWithYou if she says it you should ALL go to the next meal without her. When she realises thus and asks, tell her its upsetting to have food and weight judged all the time and you wanted to enjoy your food. Ditto going for a swim. Rinse and repeat. She will soon learn: either to eat by herself or shut her mouth. Her choice

OP, now that you become a mom it’s very important to let go of this child role and try to be more comfortable with drawing boundaries and stating what you want and don’t want.

a grown woman’s feelings are not more important than your and your husbands holiday. If you want your child to stick up for itself you need to model that behavior. Both of you.

now everyone is afraid to rock the boat and one person just does whatever she wants and makes the vacation miserable for anyone else. If your Mil can’t do it, you and your husband need to be the adults here and tell the sister to stop ruining the holiday. And next time you tell your Mil, no you’re not comfortable.

what do you want to do once child arrives? Let sister discuss the child’s weight and food and give the kid a bad feeling because no one sticks up to her?

It sounds to me like the Aunt has an eating disorder herself.