To ask how to respond to inevitable comments from MIL on holiday?

[AllAlongIHaveLaughedWithYou]

Shamelessly posted in aibu for traffic sorry! I don't think iabu but I have a question. I am going abroad with dh and in-laws at the weekend. Mil is lovely but shes bringing her sister - she is is generally a nice person and we get on ( as I am very tolerant! ) but she is if a generation who are obsessed with people's weight, she constantly goes on about people's weight and looks, diet, who has put weight on, who hasn't ( even people I don't know! ) and she will comment on peoples food and portions sizes every time they eat and makes patronising comments to fully grown adults like 'make sure you eat your veg'. I'm pregnant currently and everytime I see her all she goes on about is how hard she found it to lose her baby weight once hers were born over 40 years ago and I am feeling self conscious about a trip I should be looking forward to and probably my last before the baby - especially the all inclusive part! I am very small, it's not that she is triggering any actual insecurities I have but I don't feel very attractive at the moment, I've had really awful sickness and not taken much care of myself for a good few months, my skin is dry and my hair needs dying and I'm going to look rubbish. What do I actually do or say when MIL's sister makes these comments? She will likely say something to DH too who equally feels insecure to the extent he said he wouldn't go swimming around her! Any advice on what to say or how to enjoy the holiday anyway? I'm a bit annoyed MIL invited her tbh, but I guess it's her sister but I probably wouldn't have gone for these reasons if I'd known before hand.

Sorry I didn't mean Mary Beard's appearance was being commented upon, I meant i admire so much more about people LIKE Mary not her herself. Apologies if that's how it sounded it was meant to be complimentary.

Thank you. Usually it wouldn't bother me as I'm pretty secure but with being pregnant I feel really rubbish in my own skin physically and I don't need it reinforced by her.

But if she says 'gosh carbs are so fattening/bread is so fattening' or similar just say 'oh is it'? And carry on eating

Or you could do the faux care thing and pull her to one side and confidentially ask her 'are you ok? I just ask because I know you struggle to be around people eating, you comment on food and people's dinners and appearance all the time, very common with people with eating disorders and MH issues, let me know if you want me to help you with anything or you just need any support'

If she is that brazen, then perhaps it IS time to call her out. Tell her that comments like hers cause distress and eating disorders.

And then the next time she mentions being so full or cheese is awful, look at her sympathetically and wink, reach across and pat her reassuringly on the arm.

Thanks all. I'm grateful for the advice and somewhere to vent. I have no idea why she's like it or so hateful about anyone who's appearance is lesser than what she approves of and I know i will be so uncomfortable around the pool etc but I'll know not to book with MIL next year as I assume she will be invited again.

I would say "I have to stop you there X". When she waits to see what you're going to say, just look at her. I have used this with a very negative person in the past and it worked pretty well.

I thing the fact that you're feeling so much anticipatory stress is a massive part of the issue here. Most people's past behaviour is highly predictive of their future behaviour. Therefore, we can safely predict your MIL's sister will definitely make a range of ludicrous, boorish and inappropriate diet/food comments. So, if you think about, in a way your stress is a bit unwarranted as you actually know that she is definitely going to do it. You just need to plan accordingly.

The way to reduce your stress with people like this is that you (and your husband) need to have a watertight strategy.

So (if you're set on going) your options are:

1. call her out every time she does it - this choice is exhausting and will often escalate the situation but can be effective in the long run. If you stick to it! Eg 'let's not talk about bodies, food choices and weight please'. Same thing every time. Seems unlikely that you would feel comfortable with any of this as you, your husband and your MIL do not seem very assertive.
2. never ever give it any attention. That means don't react, don't comment, don't look at her and (if you like) change the topic to something pleasant, as if she has not spoken. Because if you react even once, even if it's only every so often, that will give her what's called intermittent reinforcement (the most potent form of training by the way) which will actually train her that if she just keeps at it for long enough she'll eventually get a reaction from you.
3. comment occasionally (obviously do not do this - see Point 2)

And please think about this: I'd be damned if some controlling, food obsessed pain in the arse was going to dictate how I feel, control what I eat or whether I wear my bathers, ruin my holiday or live rent free in my head. Life is far too short to be bullied by these types.

Goodness me. Have fun. Eat everything you want. Jump in the pool and be in your bodies. Your MIL's sister is clearly not a happy woman. Demonstrate by your actions how to enjoy yourselves.

Get your husband on board with this strategy. Have a great holiday and best wishes for the birth.

If she keeps saying she doesn’t eat much bread or whatever, put on a big grin and say happily, "Oh good. All the more for the rest of us."

I've been there and it is sooo stressful so I feel for you.

I find that it's much easier if you say some of the suggested phrases (e.g. "please don't talk about my body" "i'm on holiday, please stop commenting on my meals") in a really gentle and calm way. People often tell you to shut things down in a forceful way but if you aren't used to that then it feels very uncomfortable. There's also less chance of her making YOU out to be the diffocult one if you do this.

OP I think you you can deal with this in one go. So day one, at breakfast: she mentions bread or diet or whatever drivel and you need to immediately smile and say very loudly 'right DH you owe me a fiver. Hand it over'. She is then going to ask 'what are you talking about?' Then tell her that you and DH noticed she loves talking about dieting and food and you bet it would take her 5 minutes to bring it up at breakfast and DH said 10 so he owes you a fiver. All said with a smile as if this is light heartened fun but all of a sudden she's on the back foot. No one likes to be so easily seen / watched in this way so from then on... she will drop it as she won't want to be the butt of the joke again.. if she does say something again - same line 'you owe me ££££'. This way it's her watching what she says rather than you waiting for the comment.

Omg THIS! Do this OP and it might actually hit home with her

Nice one

OP I disagree with others here about focusing on 'dont comment on my body' because it makes it personal to you, like you have the problem with it

The comments need to focus on why she is the problem, so make it about her 'gosh you talk about food constantly dont you' ' gosh you focus on what other people eat constantly dont you' 'gosh you mention calories constantly dont you'

Make her the watched one as PP says.

Firstly your MIL should be protecting her pregnant DIL from her rude sister. It’s not “lovely” to be quite so spineless.

Secondly, you can say anything when you are pregnant, it is always excused by pregnancy hormones. I would either:

1. say “you are being very rude and hurtful” and then just stare at her or
2. burst into tears 😈

Probably both. No one can cope with a crying pregnant woman - this is your opportunity!

It amazes me that this woman is so openly rude and judgemental but no one will call her out for fear of confrontation/looking rude!

If you don't want to say anything, you could just remove yourself from the situation. Either give the trip a miss or you and your DH give her a wide berth. You don't have to sit with her at mealtimes, just say you'd like to have dinner just the 2 of you or eat at different times if you need an excuse. You could tell your mil the real reason. I would also tell mil you won't be going on any family trips in future if she is going

I often wonder if people like this have a huge complex about their own weight and appetite. I also wonder what it would be like to point out to her that she talks about and comments on people’s weight a lot, in a polite but direct way.’is it something you think about a lot?’ Put the focus on her for a change. This is after all about her.

but she is if a generation who are obsessed with people's weight,

"generation" ??
What generation do you think this might be then ?

Why are you lumping a whole generation of people together, when you are talking about one person ?

I don't know. This woman's fixation on weight and calories sounds a bit tone deaf and obnoxious but I'd probably just smile and nod and ignore her. Since it sounds like someone you hardly see anyway, I wouldn't get caught up in trying to straighten her out. It can also backfire if you take on a family elder that even the close family members don't take on, when you're just an in-law. Well really I'd probably listen carefully so I could make fun of her later haha.

Yes you can say that!
Come on OP you’re going to be a mum - you will have to stand up for your child at important moments, this is good practice. Don’t put up with this rubbish!

My mum can be similar and the only thing that will shut her up is being really angry with her. E.g. "you're such a fucking bitch Beryl, just shut up". That way she'll never ever dare to say anything in your presence again, and she won't want to go on holiday again with you either. Result!

Also, saying that they're being really old fashioned and out of touch with current etiquette may help. My mum hates it when she's perceived as old.

And yes it is entirely about my mother's own insecurities and how she's 'tiny' 🙄 they're twats and they need to be told. So the alternative is to really dig down into why they think that, feel the need to say it, how does it make them feel etc. Make it about them not about you.

Do the Derry Girls thing. When she starts going on about it say "I'm going to stop you right there Margot" and when she looks at you expectantly for the next bit just say "No I'm just going to stop you right there"

This isn't a generational thing. She has an unhealthy relationship with food and is a very very rude woman. Be rude back - what's the worst that can happen?

Could you call it out in a much more subtle way?

Eg she says the bread for lunch and dinner comment, and you do a nice doe eyed tilty head concerned look and say “I notice that you talk about food choices quite often. Is everything ok at the moment? Do you have some struggles around food?”

Hopefully she will choke on that and stfu afterwards

Btw if at any point she makes some comment about you looking stunning “despite” being pregnant, make sure you do a tinkly laugh and say “no silly, I look great becuse I’m pregnant”

Have you tried saying “can you just shut the fuck up Margaret”?

To be fair, this is your best approach.

How much time would you be expected to spend with Mil’s sister? If you’d be able to escape for part of each day why not do so and make sure it covers a meal. At least you’ll get some respite from her. Mil can keep her sister company (and put up with her rudeness). I’m appalled that this woman’s determination to police other people’s eating has resulted in an eating disorder for her own daughter and she lacks the insight to see the damage she caused.