To ask how to respond to inevitable comments from MIL on holiday?

[AllAlongIHaveLaughedWithYou]

Shamelessly posted in aibu for traffic sorry! I don't think iabu but I have a question. I am going abroad with dh and in-laws at the weekend. Mil is lovely but shes bringing her sister - she is is generally a nice person and we get on ( as I am very tolerant! ) but she is if a generation who are obsessed with people's weight, she constantly goes on about people's weight and looks, diet, who has put weight on, who hasn't ( even people I don't know! ) and she will comment on peoples food and portions sizes every time they eat and makes patronising comments to fully grown adults like 'make sure you eat your veg'. I'm pregnant currently and everytime I see her all she goes on about is how hard she found it to lose her baby weight once hers were born over 40 years ago and I am feeling self conscious about a trip I should be looking forward to and probably my last before the baby - especially the all inclusive part! I am very small, it's not that she is triggering any actual insecurities I have but I don't feel very attractive at the moment, I've had really awful sickness and not taken much care of myself for a good few months, my skin is dry and my hair needs dying and I'm going to look rubbish. What do I actually do or say when MIL's sister makes these comments? She will likely say something to DH too who equally feels insecure to the extent he said he wouldn't go swimming around her! Any advice on what to say or how to enjoy the holiday anyway? I'm a bit annoyed MIL invited her tbh, but I guess it's her sister but I probably wouldn't have gone for these reasons if I'd known before hand.

Sorry title should say MIL's sister! Mil is lovely and does try to warn her but she just speaks her mind.

“We are on holiday and don’t need or appreciate any conversation about weight or diet, thank you very much”

On repeat.

It’s not ‘the generation’ that goes on like this, it’s her.

"Do you realise you are ruining our holiday with your personal remarks? My husband won't go swimming in case you say something cruel about his body. How about you don't say anything about anyone's weight for the whole holiday? Do you think you can do that?"

I would just reply with "oh well, that's life" and repeat the same reply until they realise its not going to turn into a discussion.

Thank you, I find it SO awkward to call it out infront of MIL but really she should be anyway. It's also difficult when she is desperate to make a comment but disguises it more innocently- rather then directly saying something she will look at the food options and say something like 'no bread for me! I had bread at lunch' then as you're halfway through eating she will say 'do you eat bread at lunch and dinner?'. It honestly stresses me out being around her as it's truly constant.

And tell MIL in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to hear it and would appreciate it if she backs you up.

Can your DH tell his Mum how it makes him feel?

I hope he thoroughly enjoys his swimming etc. Any comments from aunt: “give over and give it a rest”

It really IS rude and unacceptable to carry on like this and it’s ok to push back

I'd love to say this! DH would be mortified but she needs telling.

You could channel the 'Dr Evil Shushes Scott' scene from Austin Powers... 😄

(And congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you can use this holiday to enjoy looking after yourself just because you deserve it!)

Well no one loves a diet bore and I am one

Tell her 'no one loves a diet bore', or 'I find it quite boring to talk about weight all the time/peoples bodies'

This is a good idea. MIL is quite weak and can't say anything to her for some reason, they are truly chalk and cheese. She mentions it after and says things like 'I hope she hasn't upset anybody' but never actually gives her a talking to before it happens. I know its hard as my own mum can be frightful but I take responsibility for having a word with her before these sort of issues come up as the person closest and I sort of expect MIL to do the same. I think DH gets embarrassed as he is a grown adult and her silly comments shouldn't sting so much but they absolutely do. It's annoying because I really won't relax this whole trip now and I was looking forward to it. It's not that I want anyone left out but MIL messaged me to say is it okay if she comes after it was booked and she must've known I can't say 'no she makes me feel insecure'. I get MIL was in a difficult position though. It's just a shame I'm not looking forward to it now.

So you 'yes of course, I eat bread at breakfast lunch and dinner but I do find it boring to talk about what people eat all day long'

Good idea! Thank you. Sounds minor but I truly am stressed which is out of character for me about how I'm going to look on this trip knowing she will be judging.

I'd take two or three Mary Beard books and wax lyrical about how successful she is because she put her brain before her appearance.

Haha oh I love this. This is my thought process too, I've never ever been fussed about appearances and I can honestly say hand on heart i don't notice anything about people's appearance. I'd be embarrassed to. I just don't get it and I don't really know how to navigate how shit she makes me feel.

What makes you think that Mary Beard isn’t bothered about her appearance?

She may be! But as the poster said brains before. I don't mind people who do care about appearances, I just don't like it when it hurts others.

So you had the chance to say you didn’t want her to come, and didn’t take it ? Oh dear. You really need to learn how to stick up for yourself. You’re just going to have to make the best of it. I would go off and do my own thing with my DH and leave the two sisters to it. Practise the Paddington Bear hard stare if you can’t bring yourself to say anything to her face? And have a word with your MIL before you go, she needs to have a stern talking to with her sister about her annoying comments.

I think a lot of people’s answers are as rude as the mil’s dsis!!! Can’t help but if it’s going to turn into the two of you bickering and everyone being upset, maybe use a pregnancy excuse and treat yourself to a chilled weekend at home instead

People say these things for the dopamine hit they’ll get from getting an argument or upset out of their prey. They want the confrontation so they can take the moral high ground - ‘I’m entitled to speak my mind’ ‘I’m only saying what everything else is thinking’ etc. They absolutely love the attention and the frisson.

You’ll piss her off more if you lean into it and say, ‘You’re so right, dear’, ‘How clever of you to notice’, ‘Wise words from a wise woman’, and the like, and then sit there with a big grin on your face. Touch her on the shoulder or slap your knee while you’re saying it. She’ll know you’re taking the piss but she won’t be able to do anything about it.

With questions like "do you eat bread for lunch and dinner?" Say "Yes, do you have a problem with that?" Throw it back on her. If she then makes a comment about it being fattening, or too many carbs, shut it down with "we're on holiday, enough of the diet talk".

If her sister makes a direct, critical comment, ask her to repeat what she said. It often embarrasses the person if they have to say it again with everyone's attention. Alternatively, a blunt comment such as "you can really screw up someone's mental health by criticising their body/eating habits, please don't do it". She does it because she knows you're all too afraid to stand up to her. Show her you have some balls and call her out.

I do get that but honestly how could I? If MIL has said sis is coming that ok with you? How can I really say no it's not because she notices what people eat? It's inevitable she will upset people but I can't really say no she can't come on a family holiday because I have a feeling she will without causing a lot of upset can I? I agree re MIL, not sure she will actually address it though. Last time we all went on holiday she just about snatched a tape measure from her sisters hand when she was off to suggest DH's younger female cousin checked how much weight she had put on🙄

Yes, sadly there's kids in my children's school who go on about weight. OP, just politely pull her to one side before you go, with your husband. Say you've noticed she discusses weight a lot, and while you don't want to tell her what to do, it makes you both feel really uncomfortable, so please could she not do it around you, and if she feels the need to have a talk with SIL or whoever about sizes, please inform you so you can move aside.
This isn't controlling, because you're making it clear that the two of yu will move. But it might be enough to stop it.

I just don't like it when it hurts others then I suggest not making a comment about Mary Beard’s appearance, particularly given the circumstances you’ve described in your OP. Looks are subjective.

‘Ooh, miaow, Phillis. Would you like a saucer of milk with your halibut?’

Good idea. Unfortunately she's quite brazen which is why she stresses people out I think. She would respond with something exactly like you said, carbs, fattening- sometimes she even mentions health which is laughable. Her own adult daughter has a full blown eating disorder that she's done really well to treat more recently- it's clear as day to me where it came from but their family is oblivious which is really sad. I'm so sick of these horrible people and their comments. If she is being mega well behaved she will talk about herself instead when everyone's just eaten for e.g a burger and say something like - 'i am sooo full i had a huuuuge lunch all i can manage is half of this' with a salad infront of her. The competitive under eating is nuts.