Dh made fun of my boundaries

[peachmom]

Tonight my dh tried to grope my boobs whilst the baby was asleep next to me. I have asked him so many times to not do it when the children are around as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Tonight I added that it really triggers my ocd too and to please stop. He got up and said it’s not even that sexual and stormed out the room. I’m so upset and I have no clue how to handle this as he just doesn’t understands and emotional and mental health stuff at all. Please help a

Yeah? How is “I don’t want to have sex in the same bed/ next to my sleeping children” something that needs explaining?

Absolutely this! Can we be done making excuses for these men? It's infuriating.

Well obviously he made fun of your boundaries. Unreasonable people who don’t get what they want do tend to try to make out that you are the problem. You aren’t.

OP needs to sit down with her husband and explain that she doesn't like to have physical intimacy while the baby/children are present.

Except she said she's told him already. How many times does she need to explain it like he's 5?

So the fact OP has told him numerous times she doesn't want him to do this is absolutely meaningless to you?
Do you understand consent? Do you think consent doesn't apply in a relationship?

I agree but funny that, although it’s been on other posts where the man is not like this, and a good guy etc, where they talked about giving him attention, making time for him etc, and even that to an extent I don’t agree fully with.
Because they should know that a baby/kids takes up a lot of time and attention.

There are quite a few men including my own DH who was jealous of the children getting attention, so I am told.
And one particular thing was one of us when we were babies or toddlers maybe it was, was him saying when we were asleep, you woke me up now I will wake you up.
So yeah lol with that and then my own partner experiences I am so done with men!

Another struggling with reading comprehension.

If OP has told him repeatedly not to do this and thus now deems this to rise to the threshold of sexual assault, she has domestic abuse charities, the criminal justice system, and divorce lawyers available to her.

" he just doesn’t understands and emotional and mental health stuff at all" it is not emotional and mental health stuff he doesn't understand - it's the word no. The fact he stormed off is pathetic - how dare he - he doesn't have unlimited access to your body.

So he sexually assaulted you and then gaslit you into making out it was your behaviour that was wrong not his?? Have a think about what other things he does like this and read up on coercive control

There is nuance in all things. The easy answer is ‘tell him to fuck off’ or the even more pointless ‘I would leave’ . which is beyond reductive and shows such little understanding of real life as to be a literal waste of time posting.

‘Fuck off’ will end in nothing positive. It doesn’t ensure understanding or encourage dialogue or discussion. It draws battle lines. “I would leave” is just a ridiculous statement. Would you ? What just like that ? You have a new baby so almost certainly not working. “Just leave” assumes a degree of privilege not always available, such as money or another home where a mother and baby plus perhaps more dc are welcome.

Your partner wants to be sexually affectionate. You are not happy to receive this when the children are around. You tell him so and he storms off because he has been rejected.

Sexual rejection is the most common reason for relationship breakup. Especially after children. Women often get all the love and affection they need from that intense mother -baby bond. They need nothing else. The partner feels left out and seeks affection from his previously loving OH. Which she just doesn’t want and doesn’t need as her cup is full.

This doesn’t mean he can just ignore her boundaries and even trample them . What it does mean, is this is a situation where both parties need to be heard and understood. Entrenched lines of ‘don’t touch me like that’ and ‘fuck off’ will simply end up with resentment on both sides . Which ultimately leads to the relationship breaking up.
You can prevent all this by having a calm conversation together and exploring how to make time for you both as a couple whilst also being parents.

It’s not awful that he cuddled ger boob but it is awful he has such an aggressive tantrum about being not no, not least as the baby was there

Your response is shocking.

Bollocks. I don’t know any woman whose “cup is filled” by loving her children. It’s a different cup. And she will only want it filled by someone who she trusts and wants to drink with! I’m fairly sure most women who go off sex and intimacy with their H while their DC are young aren’t ‘fulfilled’ by motherhood, they’re fucking exhausted by it.

I’m sure the happiest marriages are the ones where both parents have an active role in bringing up their children and all the household peripheries associated with it, giving women the time and energy to want sex with their H.

The type of Neanderthal man groping his wife in front of his kids almost certainly isn’t pulling his weight at home and making her feel emotionally safe and cherished in other ways.

OP you deserved to feel safe from being molested in your own home and bed. We’ve all seen in recent years the terrifying extremes of this situation, where men feel entitled to their wives’ bodies whether she consents or not.

Some of the pick-me posters on here should really have a long hard think about what behaviour they’re condoning when they excuse his groping as a husband wanting intimacy with his wife. He’s immature, disrespectful and doesn’t seem to give a shit what you want as long as he gets to feel up the female body next to him.

You’ve tried asking him not to, I’d tell him he’s not sleeping in the bed with you until he can control himself. If he doesn’t listen then he needs to move out.

This is gross. I used to date someone who thought it was funny to grope me while I was in work meetings on Teams (no camera obviously!) it gave me the creeps. I ended things with him!

Because my friends ex was the same, always wanting sex with her when she was trying to feed the baby etc…it’s like they aren’t centre of the world anymore and they can’t handle jt

Yes and no, it’s also from seeing my friends ex being so obsessed with getting attention once the baby was born because she didn’t just jump to attention immediately and instead prioritised the baby

He didn’t make fun of them, he pushed through them to prove he owns your body, which is sexual assault whether you are his wife or not.

Sounds like you need to start fondling his penis Everytime you see him. Men don’t understand that boobs and penis are the same thing. The fact her thinks it’s ok to touch you like that is gross. He doesn’t have free right to your body. Too many men think they do and frame it as just a joke but I bet her would soon change his tune if you start doing it yourself him.

I bet very few women on this forum habitually and without prior warning grab for their male partner's crotch - even if they know him and live with him. Make of that what you will.

He sounds rather primitive. Unfortunately a lot of men are.

I would try talking to him gently at a separate time and asking him to try and understand that “sex” you and “baby” you are separate and different and you find sexual overtures a real turn off when the baby is present, because you are in mum mode. Reassure him it’s not that you don’t find him attractive but there’s a time and a place.

My husband was telling me the other night how completely emotionally stunted and un self aware the guys he plays football with are - they all left school at 18, learned a trade and still live locally. He said they are essentially still children and when something doesn’t go their way they lash out.

I found this very interesting coming from another man and all I’m saying is it’s not you! He may not speak the language of mental health and boundaries though so you’ll need to explain in simple terms.

I remember my dad telling me that a lot of men get very jealous once baby is born. (My dad had a dim view of those types of men and was trying to pre-warn me.)

U told him u don't like it- end of.

The partner feels left out and seeks affection from his previously loving OH. Which she just doesn’t want and doesn’t need as her cup is full

Ahh yes, lets pretend grabbing a womans tit is "affection" and that she'd be delighted if the pesky baby wasn't getting in the way. 🙄

Yeah it’s all a lil over the top for an advance that wasn’t reciprocated and therefore stopped as asked lol I guess they gotta talk about something 😂

Who is "they"?
And I thought the whole point of MN was to talk about issues OPs raise.
Have you actually read and digested what OP said about repeatedly asking her H not to do this and how it makes her feel?.Or doesn't the OP have a right to feelings and boundaries?