Dh made fun of my boundaries

[peachmom]

Tonight my dh tried to grope my boobs whilst the baby was asleep next to me. I have asked him so many times to not do it when the children are around as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Tonight I added that it really triggers my ocd too and to please stop. He got up and said it’s not even that sexual and stormed out the room. I’m so upset and I have no clue how to handle this as he just doesn’t understands and emotional and mental health stuff at all. Please help a

@FrauPaige

unwanted “fondling” (especially when you’ve been told not to) = groping

Did you prefer it when men could legally rape their own wives? Thankfully, women don't have to put up with unwanted sexual contact from a stranger, a friend or a husband/partner.

Thank god you are a lone voice.

YANBU, physical contact between Dh and I when in front of DD is always affectionate, hugs, a quick kiss but it would feel really weird to have any sexual touching infront of her or anyone else for that matter. We don’t need an audience, definitely nit our own DC.

I think you need to say to him it’s basically just fucking weird to do that shit infront of your kids. He’s upset because he feels like you made him feel like he’s being a pervert which he kind of is tbf. You maybe need to sit him down and say “one last fucking time, it is weird as hell to do that infront of your children because you are making them watch or be around sexualised behaviour without their consent”. Tbh though not sure I could feel much affection for a man that behaved like that, he doesn’t care how you feel or the discomfort your children would feel, just his own feelings. Who here could say they would be totally cool with their dad grabbing their mums boob randomly infront of them?

I think the poster assumed the op was breast feeding, some folks are obsessed with it

Do you honestly think it's ok or normal for a partner to just randomly grab your breasts? The OP has previously told him not to do this, yet he continues. Consent is still necessary in a relationship.

He sounds awful, and you have all the right to get upset . I have pressed the wrong button though . Just wanted to let you know in case you think somebody thinks you ABU. Not sure how to change it.

Your misogyny isn't internalised I'm afraid.

It's screaming loudly.

I work in criminal justice. Groping isn't a legal term nor an offence, sexual assault is. However what groping is, is unwanted sexual touching, which can constitute a sexual assault.

You also seem to think it's the OPs job to inform a man that it isn't normal or acceptable to just randomly grab someone's breasts. For a start that is never a woman's job, but if you actually read the OP she's already told him before not to do this in front of the children and yet he has again. That's an explicit refusal of consent. This is sexual assault. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't give them access to your body that you haven't consented to.

Okay so lets accept he is telling the truth and it isn't sexual.....

Does he just want to.....disturb you? Upset you? Assert dominance? What????

Nothing about this is kind or well intentioned.

He is a dickhead and I wouldnt waste my time trying my mollycoddle him.
Focus of your child.

Yes he does understand that you dont like it, thats why he does it
So you react and he can storm off and have a tantrum and play the victim

Dont do anything, hes trying to nanipulate you
Maintain your boundary

Don’t be silly. She can use whatever word she likes.

He doesn’t need to understand, he just needs to believe you. The most basic principle in any relationship.

The mistake so many people make (particularly men IME) is believing themselves to be the grand, omniscient arbiter of all they survey - so if they don’t understand something, it can be dismissed as ‘wrong’.

in his eyes he was showing affection but got the context all wrong. Have a sit down and explain now the baby is here you aren’t up for grabs anymore, there needs to be the right time/right place approach. Easy.

Ugh how tiresome these men are.
I'd be telling him to pack it and smack his hand away each and every time.

Quite a lot of otherwise reasonable men think that their girlfriends/wives are available to be groped at all times. This is of course completely unacceptable but I guess it's a biological urge that needs reining in.

Just press the other button and your vote changes.

So when women support bodily autonomy and not being groped, we're like some mad, unreasonable and violent mob?
Ok.

Boob grab=punch in balls. Fucker.

@peachmom- he doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about your right to your own body. He is trying to assert domination and control. It's worrying - has he always been so vile or is it recent?

He does understand. Unless you married someone so significantly developmentally challenged that they don’t understand being asked not to do something because you don’t like it. You don’t have to justify why you don’t like it. He doesn’t need to understand why he just needs to know that you don’t like it and then he needs to not do it. The fact that he ignores you and touches your body in a way you do not like after you have told him that you don’t want him to do that is HORRIBLE. He is your husband, the one person who should be on your side, should love you and want to make you happy. He is deliberately making you unhappy in a childish attempt to force you to allow him access to your body that he wants even though he know you don’t like it 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

For the avoidance of doubt,

Caressing, patting, fondling the breasts, buttocks, thighs, and other touch of a sexual nature- fine with consent and even implied consent in the context of a happy and egalitarian relationship - but not in front of the kids (🤢)

Groping- any of the above without consent or in inappropriate situations (when consent can’t be reasonably assumed)- not ok.

Boundary- telling the groper to stop, meaning it.

OP has done nothing wrong here, but her bloke is behaving in an unpleasant way, trying to dominate and control her. He does need to stop. Just because they are in a relationship, they’re at home and not on the bus, the situation doesn’t imply consent because she’s TOLD him not to touch her in front of the kids. Consent has explicitly not been given.

He’s not making fun of you - he’s just enjoying making you feel upset and uncomfortable (way worse).

Tell him one final time that he is not to do it when the kids are present and if he does it again then the relationship is over.

Is there anything he doesn’t like which you can use as an example

He is enjoying pushing your boundaries.
He knows you don’t like this and continues doing it anyway.

If someone told me they don’t like people touching their feet first example - I’d literally not touch their feet and if for any reason I accidentally did, then I’d immediately apologise.

This actually makes it worse than a stranger because he is supposed to love and care about her but instead ignores her in favour of his own wants.

A relationship does not equal ownership of a partner’s body.

Also ”touching up” is very minimising language for sexual assault.

So he just... randomly groped you? Honestly that's grim. Tell him to get one of those stress/fidget squeezy toy things. You're a human being.

If it wasn't 'that sexual' why did he grope your boobs? Why didn't he tickle your feet or nibble your ear instead?! Yes, it was sexual. So, essentially because he didn't grope your vagina, then groping your boobs isn't so bad?!!!

If you've told him numerous times not to grope your boobs, then as his wife, he should love and respect you enough, to not do it. He doesn't have to like it or agree, but he should respect that it's your choice and your body.

Has he always behaved like this or has it been since the baby has been born?