Is it unreasonable to never want a relationship again?

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I don't know if this is a common theme on here as I don't visit a lot, but I am absolutely done with the idea of relationships. I am late 40's, slightly chubby but not awful looking. I am reasonably intelligent and do have a sense of humour. But increasingly I cannot be arsed with men. I have male friends and family, and that's great - but I even find myself feeling for their partners. There's the weaponised incompetence, unreasonable expectations of looks and weight, lack of understanding of menopause, leaving women to do everything in the home, look after kids, have a career and carry the mental load etc etc.

My family worry about me growing old on my own, but I have a great group of single friends, and we all look out for each other. I have been so let down in the past, and I know that's down to my choice in men, but they never started out awful, just that over time their true colours came out. Twenty odd years ago we weren't as aware of what red flags were - well at least I wasn't.

I've reached an age where I have older kids now, I have done the working shit jobs to pay the rent, and struggled my way through, I just want an easy life now. Prospective men tend to seem quite entitled and their idea of a "joke" is to put you down somehow. They have ongoing drama with exes, overbearing mils, kids they seem to begrudge supporting, and an inability to actually make any decent time for you. I watch some of my friends experiences of dating, and I wonder why they are bothering.

I know there are some decent blokes out there, but they are rare like unicorn pooh, and I don't hate men, I know lots of lovely fellas, but they're either married or related.

I love my independence, but I get annoyed when I get the sad head tilt from people when they hear I am single, like the only goal worth having is a man. I'm not looking or entertaining any idea of a relationship, but a lot of people I know think I'm weird or a closet lesbian. I just want my pj's on by 7pm and to watch crime documentaries to my hearts content. Is this being unreasonable?

Sounds amazing, OP! I’m with my DH but I would never, ever get into another relationship again if anything happened with him.

I love the sound of your days, OP, and makes me even more determined to not seek anyone else ever again.

I’d ignore the comments like the ones from that head-tilt person. How rude of them.

I would certainly never bother with online dating were I ever single.

YANBU! This was always going to be a consequence of us not needing men anymore. If we can have our own homes and jobs to pay for things then why have a man unless we want one. Many of them haven’t caught up. Apparently, men are statistically more likely to be happier when in a relationship and women are happier when single!

Even the kind ones are too much sometimes. I was dating someone who was very respectful and helpful - it did feel like he was ‘auditioning’ to live with me though… eventually he became very needy and not very emotionally resilient and expected me to parent him, basically. So I ended it. I haven’t had one relationship in my entire life with a man who is both competent and kind and emotionally mature and I am in my 40s.

You could be describing me OP. I was widowed a couple of years ago, having been in a miserable marriage for over 30 years. I never want to be putting up with another man's incompetence, laziness, selfishness, irritable habits etc. I do still have my two young adult DDs living at home, but after they've gone I'll be ok. I've always felt comfortable in my own company and don't need a man to do things for me. I may become the proverbial 'old cat lady' in my twilight years 😁🐈🐈‍⬛

We generally get what we deserve in life. If you focus on improving yourself and being happy, you may inadvertently find better quality men.

Sex doesn’t interest me any more so I don’t really see the point of having a man in my life.

I can look after myself financially.

Ugh, on this topic I’ve just read a thread about someone’s DH groping them and then getting arsey with her when she told him not to. Anyone remember this in relationships? The entitlement to feeling you up whenever they want and you’re just
supposed to accept it?

Awwwwwww. (head tilt) we see ya... 🤩

I feel the same,I've been single for 23 years.

Who cares what anyone else thinks. DS and I left his dad when ds was two. He's 18 now so I've been single for 16 years.

I bought us a house, I've seen him through all his exams and off to university. I've paid off the mortgage. I've retired and now live a lovely life with friends, volunteering and hobbies.

No criticism, no attempts at manipulation, no picking up clothes, no dirty bathroom, no wasting money on rubbish, no arguments, no sniping, no pestering for sex. I can exercise as and when I want, cook healthy food, listen to music, spend time with my friends, watch tv without anyone sneering. It's bliss. An intimate relationship would be nice occasionally but you can't have everything.

OP, you do you. Enjoy yourself. 😎

I’ve been single since my mid twenties, now 47, and I’ve never lived with a man. I do have gentlemen callers but they are very contained and boundaried and there’s no risk of anything spilling over into my day to day life. There is no way I would have a full on relationship now, there’s simply nothing positive it could add to my life.

Wow, that a novel approach to the old chestnut of blaming women for the behaviour of men.

I'm 42 and never intend or expect to be in another relationship again

Definitely not! I feel the same.

Intimate relationships are demanding. After the initial attraction and the novelty of discovering a new human being and learning about them has worn off, there is lots of negotiating, compromise and accommodating that has to be done.

I think women are more often than not the adaptable ones. We are often raised that way and if we have children, we have to learn pretty fast to be that way! Men seem to be less skilled at this (or just can't be arsed) and so women tend to be the ones who adapt, compromise and do the heavy lifting to make the relationship work. As I have got older, I have learned that I too cannot be arsed because I have so much else that fulfils me in my life that doesn't require me to do this.

Fuck the sad head tilt! Enjoy what sounds like a fabulous life @Davegrohlsnewwife 😀

No, it’s fine.

I'm late 60's now, and the sad head tilt usually comes from my parents generation. My happily married friends are waiting for their husbands to die so they don't have to put up with their shit anymore.
If you ask the question "what's in it for me" it's very hard to find an answer, particularly if you are financially independant.
If you are in your 40's and they are single it's usually because someone else worked out he was an arsehole, or he cheated, and they want someone to do the childcare for their 50% of the time.
Any older than that and it's a nurse or a purse they want.. They are either a widower, and you have to suffer from the sainted dead wife (The 2nd Mrs DeWinter syndrome), or they need a house manager because they can't, or don't wat to pay someone to cook and clean.
It's all about what you can give them, but turn the question around and it's a different story.

Absolutely not unreasonable. DH died in June but there'll never be anyone to fill that space. Plus I'm nearly 64 and having cared for DH for years I don't want to be doing that again in a decade's time. Like you, I have lovely friends and family and don't want anything other than friendship from men.

Women endure ridiculous pressure to settle due to intersectional societal expectations to settle. Single women are too often made to feel othered.

Too often, those who do the othering are those who bitch about their "friends" relationships.

@Davegrohlsnewwife enjoy your good life.

DH is lovely but if anything happened and I ended up single I probably wouldn’t bother again. Most men are a bit crap tbh, everyone I dated before him were downright shit, I just wouldn’t be willing to do it again, especially if my sex drive disappeared then I would have zero interest.

I’m mid 40s, never been married and no children. Part of me would like to meet someone but then part of me, when looks at what is actually out there, cannot be fucked. I like my life, it is peaceful. I miss a cuddle more than sex, but I’m not going out with any old fuck wit for that reason alone. I know there are good men out there but none that have crossed my path.

Interesting how the ones who are married wouldn’t bother again.

There are too many poor quality men out there with little to offer . All my single friends are happy to be man free . Pj’s and crime documentaries, does it get any better , perhaps with chocolate. Enjoy OP.

For me it’s because I look around at a lot of men and think “fuck that”. I love mine but I know he’s quite rare (my friends sometimes call him the unicorn, he’s not perfect but he makes my life easier and better). I know a few men who are lovely but again not the majority.

Your life sounds great. If you’re happy with it why change it?
in my 30’s I’d reached a point where I was done with relationships and decided to stick to friends with benefits arrangements. Then I met my husband. We kept it casual for 10 years as I was ‘extreme’ parenting, lived with each other for 10 years and got married 6 years ago. We’ve been lucky to find each other but if he goes first, while i can’t rule out possibly having companionships with men (I don’t think I’d seek it, but there is always serendipity), there is no universe in which I’d want to live with anyone again even if i was lucky enough to meet another good man.
I do joke that I’d replace him with a dog (he’s not keen on dogs), but that’s probably the biggest lifestyle change I’d make.

I look at the elderly married women in my extended family. They are worn out acting as carers for their elderly husbands despite being of similar age and health themselves. My take is that growing old alone is a disadvantage for a man but it's an advantage for a woman.

I feel the same OP; i am married ( happily) but if that changed, I'd be quite happy on my own. DH works away a lot and I enjoy my solitary time with our dog.

We've been sold a myth that being a couple is the ultimate goal for happiness, I'm glad more women are waking up to the fact that living with a man isn't (always) all it's cracked up to be. Protecting your own peace is worth a lot more.