Is it unreasonable to never want a relationship again?

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I don't know if this is a common theme on here as I don't visit a lot, but I am absolutely done with the idea of relationships. I am late 40's, slightly chubby but not awful looking. I am reasonably intelligent and do have a sense of humour. But increasingly I cannot be arsed with men. I have male friends and family, and that's great - but I even find myself feeling for their partners. There's the weaponised incompetence, unreasonable expectations of looks and weight, lack of understanding of menopause, leaving women to do everything in the home, look after kids, have a career and carry the mental load etc etc.

My family worry about me growing old on my own, but I have a great group of single friends, and we all look out for each other. I have been so let down in the past, and I know that's down to my choice in men, but they never started out awful, just that over time their true colours came out. Twenty odd years ago we weren't as aware of what red flags were - well at least I wasn't.

I've reached an age where I have older kids now, I have done the working shit jobs to pay the rent, and struggled my way through, I just want an easy life now. Prospective men tend to seem quite entitled and their idea of a "joke" is to put you down somehow. They have ongoing drama with exes, overbearing mils, kids they seem to begrudge supporting, and an inability to actually make any decent time for you. I watch some of my friends experiences of dating, and I wonder why they are bothering.

I know there are some decent blokes out there, but they are rare like unicorn pooh, and I don't hate men, I know lots of lovely fellas, but they're either married or related.

I love my independence, but I get annoyed when I get the sad head tilt from people when they hear I am single, like the only goal worth having is a man. I'm not looking or entertaining any idea of a relationship, but a lot of people I know think I'm weird or a closet lesbian. I just want my pj's on by 7pm and to watch crime documentaries to my hearts content. Is this being unreasonable?

YANBU - several years ago after divorce and a couple of failed relationships I realised I'm not put for coupledom and have been very happily single since.

I'm late 40's, now chubby, etc. still married. I'd never have another relationship. I'd just do as I please.

I think the 'growing old alone' is a ridiculous comment. You're never assured of that. FIL remarried quickly after MIL died. His health went rapidly downhill after the wedding (late 70's). NW spending her last active days by his care home bedside, sorting his every comfort, instead of being out living her life. I commented how sad that was to my DM and she said 'who's going to sit by her bedside all day?' no one.

YANBU

I can’t see myself living with a man ever again. Perhaps some romantic fun but that’s so far in the future, after years of necessary therapy, I don’t think about it.

I really hate it when people say “oh you’ll meet someone again!” and get upset when you say you don’t want to.

Living in peace is underrated. Enjoy yours OP!

This is so sad to hear. I have kids, but I wouldn't really want them caring for me. My aunt has lots of friends, when one of them got terminal cancer, they had a rota of friends to take turn visiting her in the hospice. They were thoughtful, bought nice night clothes, gave her facials and did her hair, painted her nails, played card games etc and when she passed, she had a friend each side of her, holding her hand and comforting her. There was a lot of love and kindness around her, I think of all the ways to go, that's one of the best.

I'm early 40s and my DC is still in primary school, but otherwise I could have written your OP. My best friend is married and seems to pity me... but I never have anything to complain about when we meet up, I'm properly content. Her on the other hand....!
People just don't seem to understand how my own company is enough for me in the evenings, whereas can't imagine having to share that time and space now, I'd miss it. Actual child free time is rare enough that I don't want to waste it on a man 😂

Love my husband of 25 years, but at pushing 50, if circumstances meant he was no longer around, there’s not a chance in hell I’d ever have a serious relationship or (God forbid) live with another man.

I don’t have the patience and every single drop of ‘pick me / people pleaser’ hormone has drained from my body. The idea of ‘dating’ is hideous. I’d rather see friends, or my kids, or eat biscuits in bed.

I know lots of middle-aged (and older) women who are thrilled to be single. They all have fantastic lives. If you're happy as you are , OP (and clearly you are), why on earth would you need or want a partner?

I have been single for 4 years after a lifetime of long term relationships with no break.

I agree it's absolutely bloody marvellous and I have no plans to change this set up.

Here are a few of my favourite things:

No arguments/disagreements/compromises about anything - ever. I live in total serenity and the most stressful thing that ever happens in my house is when I burn the toast once every few weeks.
Every night out with friends is flawlessly arranged, immaculately carried out and ends perfectly.
I can sleep with zero disturbances throughout the whole night, every night and have the perfect lie-in when I so wish.

I'm reasonably happily married and I'm jealous of you tbh

Obviously, do what you want. It's entirely reasonable, if you aren't plagued by doubts. I spent 5 years in my 40s thinking more or less the same. Got a lot of reading done.

I havd a long term partner but if anything happened to him I wouldn't be remotely interested in another relationship.
Ever.

Nope - I have been happily divorced for more than 30 years. I have a great social life, do what I want when I want, and don’t have to make many compromises. I loved being married, when it was good it was very very good, but when it went wrong, it was awful. I never wanted to put myself through that again.

Most of my friends are in relationships, they would probably say they are happy but I don’t envy any of them; in most cases it seems to me that one person ends up doing most of the ‘mental load’ while the other is a passenger. (Not exclusively men/women, I know two friends in a same-sex relationship where this applies too). Nobody feels sorry for me as far as I can tell, I’m more likely to get comments about how lucky I am to be able to please myself.

I completely agree, OP! Why is being in a relationship the default position? People assume you're on the look out for a new relationship while single. Like it's a period of unemployment while you're job hunting 🤣

I'm happily single. I don't intend to look for another man again. I'm fortunate to be able to support myself financially and I enjoy my life. Plus I get to make all the decisions I want to. A friend said to me recently they were worried I'd end up on my own with a load of cats. I said that sounds ideal to me!!

You might want to think about communal living instead - I think communicable has something to do with diseases!

Typo! 😃😃

Thought so. A good one though 👍🏻😄

I'm 47 and have been single and celibate for over 8 years.
I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship again and it really doesn't bother me.
I like my life, as it is, with my children, animals and a few lovely women friends.
I don't dislike men, but I don't miss sex, certainly don't miss sharing my life with someone in a romantic relationship and am a bit too set in my ways to accommodate someone else!

I feel the same as many others; if DP were no longer around, I wouldn't seek another relationship. I like my space and peace and independence. And cats!

Sounds like you have everything you need. What men give us can be bought at LoveHoney.

I have a single friend in her 40s who has a great approach to it…if he doesn’t add to my life then I don’t bother. She doesn’t care about dating but will sometimes, but if he is more hassle than it is worth then she just doesn’t bother, doesn’t need to be defined by a man.

It’s a nice contrast to another friend who changes her personality for every new man, stays with them for around 2 years before lining up the next one. She had lived with 4 different men by the time she was 32 🙄

Yes 💯

Too much changing and adapting and compromise needed over the first few years of a relationship…me and my husband have all that worked out and I’ve spent a long time training him. If it ended I’m not doing that again.

YANBU. I'm always baffled by people who pity single women, because most of those in relationships have absolutely nothing to be envious of.

(And I say this as a married woman who loves her DH very much - He puts 99% of men we meet to shame.)

Im totally in agreement.
I adore my DH and have been together 32 yrs. However if anything happened to him, or our relationship ended, I would 100% remain single, wouldnt even consider it.

I sometimes get those kinds of comments but they don't bother me in the slightest. I just picture their buffoon other half and internally am relieved to not be saddled with that. It's usually the ones who 'feel sorry' for me that have the most oafish husbands of all!

I'm recently widowed age 58. I adored DH but not a chance I will ever have another man in my life. No thanks. It's not lonely, it's liberating- even though I would give anything to have DH back, definitely don't want any more flings, fwb, relationships. Nah.

I’m 52 and divorced for over a decade.
Have had a couple of relationships since the divorce which ended for various reasons, have dated, done the online dating stuff and have realised I’m actually really happy on my own.

I have family, friends, 2 young adult children, my own home and a job I enjoy. Have just taken my first solo holiday which was wonderful and going to restaurants, cinemas, national trust places etc on my own doesn’t bother me at all.

Turns out I love the peace, calm and freedom of single life and my choice is to remain single. Cannot imagine myself in a relationship ever again as I love my current lifestyle.