To think my mothers comment was uncalled for?

[Chefpig]

I've had an appointment at the hospital today to talk about fertility and the fact that despite 8 years of trying to get pregnant, it hasn't happened due to health conditions.

I rang my mother afterwards to give her an update and started crying when I was telling her I cried in the appointment. She said, 'oh she's at it again'. I feel really offended at her insensitivity and fucked off if I'm honest. Aibu and sensitive?

Your mum is horrible and totally unsupportive. That was such a cruel thing to say to her own daughter. Is she normally like this?

I cannot imagine saying something so awful to my adult daughter if she phoned me about something that had really upset her. I'd pull right back from her.

Is she normally this insensitive?

Of course you feel hurt. Our mothers are supposed to listen, empathise and support. That was a really shit thing to say to you.

Sorry about your struggles OP and that your mum was so insensitive.

I would be blunt with her and tell her that her words have upset you today.

You are not being unreasonable, her comment was very unsupportive and uncalled for. I had similar issues around fertility and feel a lot of empathy for you.

Thank you for your quick replies. Unfortunately she is insensitive. She tells me I wouldn't want a baby anyway as theyre too much trouble and not to expect her to babysit. She lives far so wouldn't be expected to anyway! She also asks what I'd do for childcare as a working parent.

She's also said before that she would dread me getting married as she'd hate to be the centre of attention as the brides mother.

She sounds awful. Book yourself some therapy and go low contact. I’m so sorry for your fertility issues.

I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing ok x

call her out on her attitude
and resist confiding in her
so sorry

I agree with PP, don't bother phoning her from now on, phone someone nicer when you want to discuss your feelings. In fact, phone her less and less. Do you think she'd notice?

She sounds absolutely horrible. So sorry you are going through that on top of everything else. Look after yourself.

It was a long time ago and I do now have two adult children but I still remember how hurtful some people’s comments were. I also hated that at our local hospital the fertility services are in the maternity hospital so I had to sit among loads of pregnant women. I wish you well on your journey towards motherhood x

If is this is something you constantly talk about and it becomes your whole personality she has a point, we only know your version of this

People will automatically assume she is at fault, and no i am not saying she is or isn't i dont just go along with it automatically

She obviously found parenting difficult and from that experience can’t imagine anyone wanting to do it, she may even go as far as she thinks you’ve had a lucky escape.

She doesn’t understand the deep desire to have your own baby when it isn’t an option. The longing.

She obviously doesn’t like to be ‘put-out’, which is probably why she didn’t like parenting. It’s now showing with her not wanting to be ‘put-out’ with the attention that the mother of the bride gets (which really is none at all), looking after a child when you do eventually have one, or even putting up with your crying.

Basically she can’t handle life!

Most likely she didn’t mean to be insensitive she’s just wrapped up in her own feelings of not coping with anything.

Right. If OP is endlessly going on about this, it would very quickly be unbearable. Maybe her mum has become less compassionate because she's just sick to death of hearing about it, and having to be someone's misery sponge.

Or maybe the mum's not kind. Impossible to say.

That is so awful OP. You actually brought tears to my eyes remembering some of the awful things my own mother said to me. Including telling me six months after my three week old baby son died that I " should be over that by now"
Please OP have as little contact with your mother as possible. I hope you have a supportive DH / DP and good friends you can rely on instead.
Best wishes to you.

Do you have someone else you could have discussed it with rather than your mum? It sounds like you knew before calling that she wouldn't have been sympathetic so why put yourself through it?

You can always chat on here if you've no-one IRL. Sorry the appointment was upsetting.

Who was she talking to?

This is why some of us cry on the shoulders of friends and not to our mothers.

I hope you have other support.

I dont use this word lightly....but your mother is a grade A cunt.

Sending you many healing happy fertile vibes and may you soon have happiness beyond measure xx When your little one arrives, you will have a great example of how NOT to be a mother.

Awful - sending you hugs

Tell her that’s easily solved — you won’t invite her?

Sorry this is being so difficult, OP. Find someone more sensitive and supportive to lean on.💐

If it's a pattern of behavior - it's how she is and you'll have to stop expecting suport from her.

Its harder when they switch between being supportive and insentive as you can get lulled into talking again.

I get the unpset and anger - but she won't change who she is so you have to change how you interact with her.

She sounds horrid. Do you have anyone else IRL to confide in? If not, I'd recommend the Infertility Boards here, you will get support and kindness there. I'm another with experience of infertility and you deserve care and sympathy.

Why do you tell her stuff ? I know you should be able to but probably time to accept she’s not normal and stop doing it to yourself.

I do sympathise , when my dad was dying and the hospital talked about a dnr, I stifled a sob. Christ my mother was furious and said to the doctor „she doesn’t understand „ dr put her arm round me probably thinking dying dad and batshit mother.

Second not the fist, she won’t suddenly have a road to Damascus moment, she will blame the up ; too sensitive, I can’t say anything, it’s all my fault etc

Sorry, OP. That’s an awful thing to say to you and not what you’d expect from a mother who should be comforting their daughter!

Agree with PP, look into getting therapy re your mum and maybe confide in others that you can depend on to hold space for you and be gentle with your feelings. I know that’s easier said than done though when you’re programmed to depend on your mother.

I also hope things medically get better for you too. 8 years is a long time ❤️‍🩹