DH and toddler coat debacle

[DrWhosJazzyScarf]

So, husband takes daughter to nursery in the morning. She is being a little rascal and won’t put her coat on. Fridays is ice cream day, so I said to her, ‘Pop on your coat and we’ll have ice cream later. But only if you put your coat on…’

Husband then gets very angry and says, ‘Thank you VERY much. Now she’ll be screaming for ice cream on the way to nursery.’ I said it’s a Friday tradition, and - to me - a bit of screeching en route to nursery is standard toddler practice, especially when tired on Fridays.

He then says the problem is that I always have to be right - that I couldn’t accept being ‘wrong’ about this. From my point of view, I was just explaining my thought process - she responds well to a potential reward. He then told me, ‘I don’t want to speak to you any more. Say goodbye to DC, we’re going now’.

Some of you may recognise me from previous husband issues (most recently inset days) - clearly, we’re having issues at the moment. I do the vast majority of everything for our child (he drops DC off 4x a week and that’s pretty much it.) I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable - my sense of self is pretty shot at the moment, TBH.

People of Mumsnet, please do weigh in. If I’m in the wrong, I’ll take it.

You don't tell a small child about something brilliant so long before it happens. It's almost guaranteed to lead to tears.

Honestly just say to your husband "DH can I have a word in private?" Then ask him out of shot of the toddler if he agrees with what youre planning to do aka telling the toddler about the ice-cream. Then if he agreed youre both in on any repercussions together or you would know before you mentioned it that he wouldnt like it and dont do it
Edit to add i dont think youre necessarily in the wrong here by suggesting the ice-cream. All new parents do things that are probably not a great idea in hindsight but it doesnt mean youre terrible at parenting or a bad person. I just think its a case of parents being stressed by a toddler and taking it out on each other instead of the difficult situation. By communicating your next plans you either get a better understanding of individual boundaries or are on the same team completely and if it goes wrong youre in it together as you made the decision together and can laugh about it

This right here. Shoes is one thing but I'm not fighting over the coat shell have to take off as soon as she gets to nursery

They walk

If he is taking her to nursery, leave him to grapple with the coat or just decide to take it with him. You stay out of it and don’t get involved. Go have a cup of tea or join that work call. Just make yourself scarce.

I’m with DH she will be expecting the same just for putting her coat on now. My dd was like this. They think it’s become part of their routine. I agree about the cost as well she will want it when she feels cold. It’s still quite mild anyway when it’s not raining.

If she is cold she will be happy to wear a coat, if not what’s the point? I’ve only put mine a couple of times since April.
I wouldn’t bribe a child with food/sweets either.

He undermined himself by giving up dressing her when the going got rough. If he had stuck with that, the child might not have kicked off over the jacket.

He seems to think he can pick and choose when your input is needed here. You're fine as a backup when he's out of his depth, but he seems to feel it's necessary to put you in your place once you've saved his bacon.

Let him deal with the 'tricky' bits every single day he takes her to nursery. Step back, and let him sink or swim.

Does your toddler know what Friday is?

I haven't read your previous posts but my initial thoughts are, is it really coat weather yet? Kids generally seem warm blooded and they'll wear a coat if they're cold. Not something I'd battle over.

Also, mentioning ice cream without delivering is pretty ridiculous at this age. 'Later', or 'on Friday' isn't great. I can see your thinking behind it, but hate bribes.

I see ice cream as a basic human right; learned this phrase on mumsnet! My child can have one daily if they want (and they don't).

Pick your battles. Coats and ice cream aren't mine.

The way he spoke sounds unpleasant but it all sounds like a horrible morning with lots of tired snapping.
if he’s often like this perhaps try on a good calm time talk about ways to call a halt without being seen as mean? Recognising it’s escalated beyond a point and just stopping, but without telling the other off.

So? It's still not that big a deal - it's not that cold yet and if she feels cold, she can put in on on the way!

Natural consequences are the best teacher!

You were not in the wrong by trying to calm her down by reminding her about the ice cream treat later. It sounds as if your husband can’t cope with tantrums so verbally lashed out at you.

poor DH

My eldest always refused his jacket since he was a toddler. You can spend 10 min arguing about it, or just let it go and start walking. Within 5 min if it really is cold, he usually wants his jacket on.
I generally ask him to "check the weather" at the door as well once he's put his shoes on, i ask him if it's cold and if I should wear a jacket. It helps a lot!

I was with your husband until this post. I agree with him because promising ice cream would have the same effect on my kid.

However, he can just get her dressed himself if he isn't happy! Wth does he need to call you to get her ready! That's ridiculous, if you have to put the coat on for him then you can say whatever you like to get it done!

The entire point was the coat wasnt needed because of the car i was pointing out they walk

I’m with your husband. You undermined him. I would also not be fussed about the coat. Does it really matter if she wears it or not?