DH and toddler coat debacle

[DrWhosJazzyScarf]

So, husband takes daughter to nursery in the morning. She is being a little rascal and won’t put her coat on. Fridays is ice cream day, so I said to her, ‘Pop on your coat and we’ll have ice cream later. But only if you put your coat on…’

Husband then gets very angry and says, ‘Thank you VERY much. Now she’ll be screaming for ice cream on the way to nursery.’ I said it’s a Friday tradition, and - to me - a bit of screeching en route to nursery is standard toddler practice, especially when tired on Fridays.

He then says the problem is that I always have to be right - that I couldn’t accept being ‘wrong’ about this. From my point of view, I was just explaining my thought process - she responds well to a potential reward. He then told me, ‘I don’t want to speak to you any more. Say goodbye to DC, we’re going now’.

Some of you may recognise me from previous husband issues (most recently inset days) - clearly, we’re having issues at the moment. I do the vast majority of everything for our child (he drops DC off 4x a week and that’s pretty much it.) I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable - my sense of self is pretty shot at the moment, TBH.

People of Mumsnet, please do weigh in. If I’m in the wrong, I’ll take it.

I never fought mine over coats, they were either fine or got cold and realised.

Don’t teach her that she’ll get ice cream if she makes a fuss, (And yes of course I’ve used bribery with my kids because sometimes you just need them to do something).

By all means use bribery if it works but for toddlers it needs to be with something immediate. They just aren’t capable of understanding delayed gratification.

Also, natural consequences are your friend here. Unless you’re about to drip feed that you live in the arctic circle then no lasting harm will come from her refusing the coat. Bring it with you so she put it on later if cold. The only time I’ve ever insisted was when we lived in Chicago and it was rare to get a winter day above freezing, and walking to nursery in -10 or below wasn’t uncommon.

But yeah sounds like one of those tired, frazzled, rushed mornings. We all have them! You and DH need to go easy on each other and realise neither of you were at your best this morning.

He’s often not here, but when he is, it’s still me doing the majority. Like I say, he does drop-off about four times a week, and that’s pretty much it. The rest of the time it’s me (cooking, driving, bath and bedtime, dance classes at weekends etc). That’s why arguments like this really hurt.

Definitely agree with your DH here. However, you both maybe need to do some communicating around the family dynamic now your child is in the next stage developmentally.

she Is too young to link now with this evening. Any sort of punishment/ consequences needs to be instant if your going to do them and then have any impact.

What a hostile way to start the day.

You are unreasonable to offer a nursery child an unrelated reward in several hours time for something like putting a coat on. If it’s vital because it’s heavy rain or below freezing then child should learn to do as they’re told without being bribed and if it’s not essential they’ll learn from the consequences of being slightly cold.

Your husband is very unreasonable to be unable to deal with these kinds of trivial “tricky” parenting moments without involving you and then to be rude to you in front of your child.

If you want your husband to ‘do’ more things around childcare etc then do let him do it without taking over and intervening. You took over. That is what annoyed him. He could not even take her to school or get her to put her coat on in his way.
If I were him I would say fine, you do the lot then. Seeing as you are so good at it.

Is that because he is at work ?
If it is and he works far longer hours than you do, cut him a bit of slack. If so then it makes sense you are doing the bathing while he is getting home.

If you both work the same hours, do you do the cooking because you like doing it ? Are there things he does that you do not ?

He spoke to you badly but sticking your nose into something he does all the time must be irritating as hell.

so you have more problems than a coat ?

No you shouldnt have promised ice cream

Magnetic reward charts are your friend.

Toddler get to put a magentic star on each time they do something like get dressed, brush teeth - visualise charts can be super useful so toddler can put the star next to when they brushed teeth picture, getting dressed picture.

Then shiny sticker (to go on coat)once all the morning routine is done and coat on.

Laying out clothes togther night before (in the shape of a person) and then using a timer to see gow quickly they can get dressed or beat their own time can work well

This coat hack is fun

Can you appreciate it is annoying when you continually interfere with his parenting?

Why did you involve yourself? Of course in mn land he will to blame no matter what but you didn't need too

@DrWhosJazzyScarf it’s probably best that DH deals with the issues when he is the one taking DC to nursery. Step back and don’t try to help. He needs to manage it his way and isn’t appreciating your two pennies worth that in his eyes is going to cause him more drama.

Too many cooks spoil the broth as they say.

This is a pick your battles thing. Just let her not wear the coat, she’ll ask for it when she inevitably gets cold (although my older daughter runs so hot, she will walk home in a T-shirt in winter happily!). Makes for easier mornings if you just let this stuff go.

I think it was just much and such, I might be mildly annoyed in DH’s shoes but I accept that DH and I are both working towards the same goal and can’t always do exactly what the other parent would so we just take stuff like this in the spirit that someone is just trying to help. It is really a very fleeting moment of the day.

A bit of a tangent but to get a small child to put their coat on willingly, it can be handy to teach them the Montessori coat flip method. They love it, it’s fun and they have a bit of independence. My son wouldn’t wear his coat until nursery showed him this, then he insisted!

Mine are older now (19 and 26) but we always went with natural consequences.
Dont want to wear a coat? Ok, if it’s cold you’ll get cold, if it rains you’ll get wet. Your call! Sometimes they’d think about it and put their coats on, other times they wouldn’t. No one died.
😊

I don't see what you've done wrong.

Young children don't get a choice on certain things, you need a coat when it's cold that would be non-negotiable for me. The parent makes the decision.

Ah I just saw the update. I think that changes the lens through which you’ll view things. For me, my DH does more around the house than I do, he’s very much an equal parent, so I don’t feel resentment, so it’s easier to be magnanimous about this sort of thing. But when you already feel maligned about his lack of involvement, it’s much harder to be sanguine about it, understandably.

Have you actually read the thread?! 90% of people are coming down on the side of the DH and he asked OP to 'interfere'.

OP it's not really about coats or ice cream is it?

I think neither of you are being unreasonable in your views but you are both failing to work together.

you need to listen to him when he explains the implications of you making a promise like that - he's the one having to deal with the fall out

Why are you linking coat wearing to ice cream at some other time? She either wears the coat or not. Neither is actually a big deal.

Why is a screaming toddler on the way to nursery acceptable?

Why isn't she getting enough sleep?

Just let her get cold and learn the hard way. I agree with your DH, she will now expect ice cream every time she throws a tantrum.

But she’s a toddler. She has no idea what ‘Friday’ is?

It may be a tradition, but it needs to be distinct given as a reward when you pick them up (you were so good this week, and I am so proud of you, shall we go to get an icecream for a special treat?) not as a bribe (if you are good you can have icecream later).

I think you’ve been a little guilty of crediting her with a reasoning abilities that a toddler really doesn’t have yet.

Like others, I’d have let DH get on with it without comment or suggested putting her in the car without the coat - she’s in a car, she’s warm. She doesn’t need the coat for the 1-2m transfer from home > car; car > nursery. And if she gets cold, she’ll learn to put it on.