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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and toddler coat debacle

117 replies

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 07:58

So, husband takes daughter to nursery in the morning. She is being a little rascal and won’t put her coat on. Fridays is ice cream day, so I said to her, ‘Pop on your coat and we’ll have ice cream later. But only if you put your coat on…’

Husband then gets very angry and says, ‘Thank you VERY much. Now she’ll be screaming for ice cream on the way to nursery.’ I said it’s a Friday tradition, and - to me - a bit of screeching en route to nursery is standard toddler practice, especially when tired on Fridays.

He then says the problem is that I always have to be right - that I couldn’t accept being ‘wrong’ about this. From my point of view, I was just explaining my thought process - she responds well to a potential reward. He then told me, ‘I don’t want to speak to you any more. Say goodbye to DC, we’re going now’.

Some of you may recognise me from previous husband issues (most recently inset days) - clearly, we’re having issues at the moment. I do the vast majority of everything for our child (he drops DC off 4x a week and that’s pretty much it.) I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable - my sense of self is pretty shot at the moment, TBH.

People of Mumsnet, please do weigh in. If I’m in the wrong, I’ll take it.

OP posts:
DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 10:28

Monty36 · 09/10/2026 08:50

If you want your husband to ‘do’ more things around childcare etc then do let him do it without taking over and intervening. You took over. That is what annoyed him. He could not even take her to school or get her to put her coat on in his way.
If I were him I would say fine, you do the lot then. Seeing as you are so good at it.

If this were me interfering to do it better, I would agree. But he asked me to ‘take over’.

OP posts:
DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 10:32

Lexibletheflexible · 09/10/2026 09:04

Can you appreciate it is annoying when you continually interfere with his parenting?

‘Continually interfere’? With all due respect, where did you get that from?

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 09/10/2026 10:34

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 08:06

I can understand this. He’s actually called on me to dress her at this point as she was being tricky, which was why I suggested ice cream. I see how this has backfired now.

So actually he undermined you. He asked for help, you gave it, he picked a fight. Effectively telling DD she’ll be crying for ice cream all the way to school is also unhelpful.

Don’t take his behaviour personally- just reply calmly and move on.

Also, plan to separate. You are not an effective team, you’ll both do better solo.

Kidsandhouse · 09/10/2026 10:36

Dare I suggest she shouldn't be wearing a coat in a car seat anyway... #carseatsafety

But honestly, I don't know why people wear coats in the car, it's inside...

Derbee · 09/10/2026 10:38

I tend to agree with your DH. I can see why the temptation was there on your part, to try and make things easier.

He shouldn’t speak badly to you, but it’s obviously impossible to say if it’s a regular thing, or if you’re all just tired and stressed from a long week.

The only point I’d make is that DH invited your input by being unable to dress his own child. You didn’t just interrupt and undermine without him asking for your help, so he needs a bit of self awareness

Derbee · 09/10/2026 10:39

Kidsandhouse · 09/10/2026 10:36

Dare I suggest she shouldn't be wearing a coat in a car seat anyway... #carseatsafety

But honestly, I don't know why people wear coats in the car, it's inside...

OP has already said they walk to nursery, if you read her replies

Lexibletheflexible · 09/10/2026 10:45

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 10:32

‘Continually interfere’? With all due respect, where did you get that from?

Because you did it so nonchalantly, one can tell it us habitual

Monty36 · 09/10/2026 11:06

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 10:28

If this were me interfering to do it better, I would agree. But he asked me to ‘take over’.

This is nowhere in your post. The situation was presented as he was unable to do it so I stepped in, and then he got cross.

TwinklyAmberSloth · 09/10/2026 11:10

@DrWhosJazzyScarf sorry but I'm with your DH on this one.

He is taking her to nursery so can deal with the coat.

When mine were toddlers they didn't want to wear a coat. If they refused, I'd just say "Ok, that's fine, but it is cold outside. Are you sure?", and if they said yes then I would carry their coat and they walked without it.

No big deal. It's just a coat.

They usually got half way there and decided they were cold so coat went on!

Obviously things like car seats are not negotiable, but when it's something simple like a coat then let them make their own decision.

HettyTagliatelli · 09/10/2026 11:14

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2026 09:03

No you shouldnt have promised ice cream

Magnetic reward charts are your friend.

Toddler get to put a magentic star on each time they do something like get dressed, brush teeth - visualise charts can be super useful so toddler can put the star next to when they brushed teeth picture, getting dressed picture.

Then shiny sticker (to go on coat)once all the morning routine is done and coat on.

Laying out clothes togther night before (in the shape of a person) and then using a timer to see gow quickly they can get dressed or beat their own time can work well

This coat hack is fun

A school I used to work in did this with reception children, until one child accidentally stepped on another’s coat right before it was flipped and ended up flat on their face with a bloody nose and a broken tooth.

Much easier to just use the hood.

TY78910 · 09/10/2026 11:16

I’ve not read your other threads but I’m with DH on this one.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 09/10/2026 11:21

This really didn’t need to be an argument - your “d”h could have had a civilised conversation with you instead of going straight to full on anger. That’s not a normal reaction. We all get a bit snappy when we’re stressed and tired, but that was something different.

Having read your thread about the inset days, your H is a lazy, selfish, disrespectful father and husband. Refusing to take a total of 3 days leave over a whole year to parent his child, and using the majority of his leave for his hobby - pathetic. Won’t learn to drive, won’t use public transport with his child, won’t take child to the park - pathetic.

@DrWhosJazzyScarf are you happy in this marriage? What does your future look like?

CruelsummerTS · 09/10/2026 11:33

Kidsandhouse · 09/10/2026 10:36

Dare I suggest she shouldn't be wearing a coat in a car seat anyway... #carseatsafety

But honestly, I don't know why people wear coats in the car, it's inside...

Op already said they walk

42goingon14 · 09/10/2026 11:42

Sorry but I agree with others - the ice cream bribe was a bad idea in general but it's especially bad when she is not even getting the ice cream until later. My toddler would definitely have been going wild for ice cream all the way to nursery if this was promised.

CoatsforGoats · 09/10/2026 11:49

Ah - also with DH here. 'Ice cream later' is not really a concept to my toddler or reception aged child. If ice cream is mention it needs to be now...or now.

plutopuff · 09/10/2026 11:50

Just take the coat, she'll ask for it when she's cold. Never understand why people argue this point.

Definitely wouldn't have used a bribe/reward for this particular scenario. I save them for nuclear situations in public 😎

DeftGoldHedgehog · 09/10/2026 11:57

YABU about the ice cream.

I would have bribed DD1 with a biscuit. She would put her coat on (yey!) but then try to negotiate for two biscuits (oh).

I just decided to not fight that battle and let DD1 wear what she wanted, within reason. I could never, ever pick out her clothes. Oh and she had to get dressed all by herself, even when she was too small to manage it.

She is 21 now and has always been a real fashionista.

DD2 was the total opposite, I was still helping her pick her clothes in her teens and she would always let me dress her when she was little. In fact I had to use a different tactic to get her to do it herself. I'd set a timer or have a dressing race with her to see if she could beat me getting dressed.

SatinHeart · 09/10/2026 11:59

When mine were toddlers, rewards for good behaviour needed to be immediate, not 'later'.

Also if ice cream is a Friday tradition then I think suddenly attaching behaviour conditions to it is going to cause confusion.

I would have carried the coat for the first 5 minutes or so of the walk then revisited the idea of wearing it once toddler had started to get a bit cold.

Just don't step in to help next time, leave DH to sort it. Less risk of inadvertently undermining each other.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 09/10/2026 12:00

Kidsandhouse · 09/10/2026 10:36

Dare I suggest she shouldn't be wearing a coat in a car seat anyway... #carseatsafety

But honestly, I don't know why people wear coats in the car, it's inside...

At what point did the OP say anything about a car? If you actually read OPs posts you would see they are walking

LaidOnYourBackWithTheBoyWithTheArabStrap · 09/10/2026 12:08

You were wrong to mention ice cream but he needs to find his own way of dealing with this rather than involving you.

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 12:18

Lexibletheflexible · 09/10/2026 10:45

Because you did it so nonchalantly, one can tell it us habitual

That’s a bit of a reach. But believe what you want.

OP posts:
TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 09/10/2026 12:21

Don't understand why anyone battles toddlers for coats on. Just let them go out without a coat. They'll either be fine or be cold and out the coat on.

One of mine runs hot and won't wear a coat even in snow. She's fine.

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 09/10/2026 12:21

Thanks to everyone who voted and shared their opinions on this - it is appreciated. Moving forward, I’m going hardline on the ‘no bribes’, especially when not immediate. Will be working on an arsenal of other strategies for tired and tricky Friday mornings.

To those who picked up on potential marital issues - you are correct, but husband and I are not on the same page about how bad it is. But that’s for another time.

OP posts:
JustAnotherWhinger · 09/10/2026 12:23

He asked you to take over and get her coat on.

You did in a way that worked for you.

If he doesn’t like your ways then he should find his own and not ask you to step in.

TBH it sounds from what you’ve said that you’d have been in the wrong regardless of how you’d done it.

But just let her go without the coat. Honestly I fought this battle for ages with one of mine until DH’s granny said to me “let him get cold. Then he’ll know”. She was spot on.

SummerInSun · 09/10/2026 12:28

Needmorelego · 09/10/2026 08:02

Never fight a toddler over a coat.
If they realise they are cold they will put it on.
If she's not wearing her coat....does it matter?

Absolutely this!!! Take it with you, give it to them if/when they say they are cold.