AIBU to sometimes think DH was raised by wolves? (He wasn’t!)

[FromtheMouthsofDecadence]

I’ll preface this by saying I am not suggesting it is LTB territory or the biggest problem in my life - just something that’s been bugging me and would like some outside perspective please. DH regularly does the following things, which I think are gross/disgusting and in some cases, likely to spread germs and sickness. He thinks they are completely normal and my “standards are too high”

YABU - your DH’s behaviour is normal - you are too precious
YANBU - your DH’s behaviour is disgusting and likely to make you and your newborn sick over winter

1. Doesn’t wash his hands after coming in from outside/the supermarket/filling the car up
2. Despite Covid etc, in late 40’s still doesn’t know/care how to wash his hands properly. Soap before water, which falls off, then 3 seconds of water and NEVER DRIES THEM (personal ick of mine)
3. Doesn’t wash fruit before giving to toddler (I make sure it’s done)
4. Puts toddlers shoes that he’s worn outside (in the rain, mud etc) on kitchen table, would proceed to feed toddler eg a blueberry that fell on same kitchen table two seconds later
5. Licks the communal butter knife and puts it back 🤢
6. Uses sugar cubes with no tongs
7. Would drink milk straight from the carton, only I’ve told him that is a non-negotiable disgusting one (same for butter but he says it’s a habit he can’t get out of)

To pre-empt the usual responses I see on here:

• Yes, there are lots of things I like about him - these are just bugbears
• No, he is not ND and even if he was, I’m so sick of that being used as an excuse for crappy behaviour
• Yes, I’m sure I have annoying habits too, but I have basic common sense and my 2 year old has never been properly sick/on an antibiotics/in hospital, despite being in nursery for a year so I reckon my vigilance is doing something!

I love that you confirmed in brackets that your husband wasn’t raised by wolves - just in case anybody thought he was🤣

all fine! I used to let my kids eat food they’d dropped on floor of bus…none of us are ever sick. We need germs. All my hygiene freak friends get sicker way more often!

Washing your hands on returning the house is very weird. MIL tried to get my kids to do it and was rapidly stopped. MIL gets loads of colds. My kids do not.

I'm an absolute minger by MN standards (although I do wash my hands) and my kids grew up mostly outdoors, in the chicken house or wrangling small beasts. They've all made it to adulthood with very robust health.

While some of your DH's habits sound rather questionable, I wonder if you would worry quite so much if you didn't see him do them? Is it the thought of potential germs that's worrying you?

I think things will probably be just fine. Maybe avert your eyes a bit more (although shoes on the table made me raise my eyebrows, I've lost count of the things I've dropped on the floor and then eaten. Still here.)

Yes same here! Never washed a piece of fruit or veg in my life and, unless I’d spilt something on my hands wouldn’t think to wash them. Butter knife no that’s bad manners/uncouth, but germ wise you are all sharing germs anyway so from that point of view it won’t matter. Milk from the fridge bag manners. Shoes on the table again manners - I think he needs a course in etiquette.

hands I tell a lie, if we’ve been for a walk and I’ve been stroking sheep or horses I would.

So I never use tongs for sugar cubes

I wash my hands after being outside but then realise I've handled my phone, keys and bag before hand so - then sometimes dry them on my top or trousers

dry cup and glasses rims on my boobs

never allow any work bags or shoes on the table (unless on their side)

but have a dog who treads in all sorts and sits on pretty much every surface

Have never washed fruit ever even for the kids

the butter knife yuk but only because mould etc we drink from each others cups and forks etc

and yes I do cut bread then out the knife back in the drawer

Shoes on the table is manky. As is licking the communal butter knife and drinking from the carton.

Not washing unpeeled fruit is the worst one here.

All the others are unimportant.

Pick your battles OP. Start with the fruit.

Oh and even I would draw the line at the drinking from the bottle. Every time I shared a drink with him when he was young there'd be floating bits in my glass after 😂

When I first married my DH I noticed his hand washing was inadequate and sporadic. It wasn’t something I could compromise on, so from the start I would remind him every single time. To start with nothing changed but then it did.

Pick your battles OP. You can’t tackle everything at once.

dry cup and glasses rims on my boobs

Just realised I do that too - never consciously noticed before!!

Licking the butter knife wold bother me but the rest I couldn't get worked up about. I think we are way too obsessed with hygeine sometimes. But equally I don't think I could live with someone who expected the levels of hygeine you do.

The communal butter knife licking and putting back is grim. Ditto milk. The others I wouldn't choose to do personally but they're probably good for building immune system.

I wouldn't like 4 & 5 but i don't really care about the rest of that stuff

Most of these are fairly standard in my opinion. Not sure about the butter knife as that’s a bit much, but i thought everyone drank out of the carton on occasion. I mean we all live in the same house, faces get very close to kids faces when you kiss them on the cheek, I kiss my partner on occasion and neither of us have detolled our mouths before hand. Again with the hand washing, I’m not sure I’ve ever washed my hands after entering the house unless they’re muddy. And we’ve had probably
less than average illness and colds in this house, so I’m not sure that we’ve caused ourselves any great issues.

4, 5, and 7 not on - the rest I think you're being fussy.

Also if your toddler hasn't been sick, that's maybe not just a reflection on your own hygiene standards but an indication none of this stuff matters too much?

Nothing that is shared should be drank directly from . Ditto a knife .
My mother taught me no elbows on table , children have to ask to leave the table , no-one leaves the table until everyone has finished their meal and absolutely knives do not ever go in your mouth .

I'm a brilliant mum but I never washed fruit.

I also let them pick up snacks off the park floor if it was quick.

And I only started washing my hands when I come in from shopping since Covid.

I don't wash my hands after petrol as I wear a plastic glove which I keep in the car and reuse many times.

Sounds like a disgusting pig, my kids dad is like this and his house is absolutely vile. It's a massive red flag for me, the fact they don't care about hygiene.

That's absolutely disgusting

One or two of the things are on the icky side but tbh OP, you come across as a bit obsessive

The butter knife and drinking from cartons is just selfish and inconsiderate. He can stop but chooses not to.

My DH can drive me up the wall, but when I read about some of the partners on this site, I thank my lucky stars he showers twice a day, (at least), brushes his teeth twice a day, doesn’t leave dirty shit laying around and the list goes on. Men need to do better. I’m convinced it’s because they are raised with the privilege of having a penis. Must be nice to not think you have to consider others. Sorry for the rant, it’s not aimed at the OP, just a general rant.

I think this shows everyone has different things they find unacceptable and there's no common theme. The shoes on the table would be an absolute no in our house, but we often have a goat wander into the kitchen to steal bananas or other fruit, so it makes absolutely no sense that shoes on the table would be an issue regarding hygiene, but they are.
But at least we are all on the same page. Shoes unhygienic, goats fine😂

Presumably you've had your tongue in this man's mouth on many occasions, share a bed with him and shag him. Your toddler will be dribbling and wiping germs over you constantly because small children have zero concept of hygiene. Your own husband licking the butter knife or drinking milk from the carton is going to make zero difference to your risk of becoming ill over winter.

Yeah, it's a bit 'ew' but it's not actually going to pose any additional threat to you, your toddler or your newborn because you, your all live together in close quarters and in physical contact constantly. Your child is far, FAR more likely to make you and your husband ill than the other way around. Your child, I guarantee you, will be scratching its arse and wiping its fingers over everything and everyone in the house on a daily basis. Your newborn will be puking, shitting, pissing and dribbling over itself and frankly everyone else. A licked butter knife or not washing hands after you've been in the supermarket or an unrinsed blueberry is, frankly, a drop in the fucking ocean.

Stressing about his specific handwashing technique is really OTT, and you sound hyper-obsessed. I haven't got a bloody clue how many seconds my partner washes his hands for or in what order he applies soap and water, and I've lived with him for almost 24 years. And if he started nitpicking at my handwashing, I'd tell him he was a controlling twat.

4,5 not great (although my cat is constantly walking on the table so maybe not 5). And the milk from the carton.