Am I being mean sending my child to preschool on my non working days ?

[Sleepingworries]

Just wondering if I’m being a mean mum here as other peoples assumptions have made me worry.

I work 3 days a week and my ILs look after my toddler while I’m at work. My toddler is now old enough for preschool and I’ve booked my toddler into preschool on my 2 non working days. This just means I get a
bit of a break, time for me so I can do things like go to the gym.

When I’ve been telling people about my child starting preschool, the majority have assumed that it will be on the days I’m working and look quite shocked when I say it’s the days I’m off.

It’s now making me question if I’m being selfish by having those days to myself ? Am I doing something unusual ?

Looking after a toddler, working and never having any me time is really hard, so I completely understand. By filling up your own bucket it makes you a better parent when you are there, because you're more likely to be able to be patient and understanding, and my god you need a hell of a lot of patience when you have a toddler! On the other hand, how do the in-laws feel about it? Are they happy to keep looking after the toddler three days a week or were they hoping for a reduction? How does the toddler feel about it? Are they independent and happy to go? Or do they crave more time with you?
It's a difficult balance, but if everyone is happy with the situation, go for it and tell anyone else that raises an eyebrow to mind their own because it doesn't concern them! If someone is not happy however...that's when you might need to rethink. It might be that as a compromise you could have one day to yourself rather than two, but just see how it goes.

Oh interesting journey, sounds like you nailed making work work for you! I appreciate the reply, you really had me wondering/ nosey! 😂

I think it’s a bit weird that of the 5 weekdays your dc won’t be with you and you wouldn’t take at least one day to spend time with them to do nice things.
in your position I’d send to grandparents 2 days, nursery 2 days and one day with me. I’d use my ‘day off’ to do house things so that you can free up time the rest of the week.

The OP asked if it was mean so people have responded to her original question. A lot of people who work 5 days a week don’t have a choice but that’s very different to actively choosing to spend two days a week going to the gym and doing stuff for yourself.

Hmm not sure about this one. I was 4 days a week for 5 years and had my children on my day off. I have been full time for 2 years using formal childcare plus one day of grandparents. My youngest has just started school and I have completely burnt out so am about to switch to a new job that is three days a week. I had the choice of how I work the hours and am choosing to work three normal days with family picking them up after school. It's different family members so they only do one day each. I did that so I had two solid days to make my way back to a healthy place plus get all the admin done that comes with having a young family. Maybe if I'd had your attitude earlier on I wouldn't have pushed myself to the point of utter exhaustion. Having said that, I am always mindful of not putting too much on grandparents. I would probably have split it - one day less for them, one day less for you. However if what you have arranged doesn't work out you can always change the set up. Don't worry what people think (unless its your in-laws!)

There’s a fair chance the in-laws will think it through and tell the OP they only want to do one or two days now.

As long as the in-laws genuinely don’t mind having 3 days, and wouldn’t rather reduce their days, then I’d say go for it OP. Having my LO in nursery saved my sanity and helped me get some me time. Especially as you’ve said weekends you’re full on as hubby gets lots of golfing time. This is a perfect example of when women try to take self care time they’re shamed for it.

I changed careers and went part time when my children were little to get the max time with them, it goes so quickly, so this would not have been something I would have done. I think this is a bit cheeky when family are doing so much childcare for you - more than you in the week with this arrangement.

Gosh why did you even have a child if you don’t want to spend time with them? I have every sympathy for parents who HAVE to work full time and don’t have a choice but you do.

Most part timers (including me) went part time to spend time with their children.

So basically your in-laws will spend more time with your child than you? The mind boggles.

That’s quite a lot of self care! 2 days a week and no childcare days when grandparents are doing 3 days childcare!

I think it’s pretty weird to get your ILs to do more childcare on weekdays than you. I understand the need for self-care but two days seems excessive. I know that toddlers can be annoying, but it’s time you’ll never get back. If your husband isn’t doing enough, then have a conversation about it?!

I think it really depends on whether they mind. Some grandparents would feel cheated out of time if their grandchildren were put in daycare instead of being with them. Hence my qualifier. Most of us cant relate to that situation though!

@millit

exercise is super important though. It’s not selfish

Maybe the child feels cheated out of spending time with their parents? It’s sad and selfish to spend as little time with your child as you possibly can when there are other options on the table. That goes for both the mum and dad. Even if the grandparents were actively pushing for more time I think that should be a no as the parents should be raising their own child. It’s not just how the adults in the situation feel but the child, both now and when they grow up and understand their parents didn’t want to spend time with them.

Some time that time alone is the only time a parent (a mother) gets. And they need it badly to be able to cope with the rest of the week.

I know the OP didn’t mention anything along those lines. Maybe she would have if there hadn’t been a barrage of ‘oh you’re so unreasonable and such a bad mother, daughter and wife!!’.

But the reality is that some parents need a break to function as a parent and that’s the only way they can get that break (see how the father is playing golf every weekend… no comment about him being an awful father….)
If you haven’t felt like this, then appreciate you’ve been very privilege abd not everyone feels like this.

Also, are you really STI g tge OP isn’t raising her child because her parents are looking after them. So parents who work full time never get to be parents then? Come on…

At least OP can be well rested and mumming her best when she has time with her kids. Better she pours into her self so she can be her best. You do you but this judgement of how other parents look after themselves and their children says a lot more about you than OP.

Of course exercise is important, but does fitting in exercise really require putting your child in preschool for two full days when you’re not working?

Why not do a couple of mornings at preschool and go to an exercise class then? Or have one full day to yourself to go to the gym, run errands and do whatever else you need, and spend the other day with your child? What about evenings or during your lunch break or weekends? There are lots of other options.

The only thing that really makes a difference is the only bit we can’t answer: are the in-laws ok with it?

I think people are jumping on OP saying it’s mean that she’s thinking of doing this instead taking some of the load off her in-laws. For all we know, they wouldn’t want to give up their days with GC.

Other people are saying it’s mean because she should want to spend time with her DC (even though she does and still will). But if she worked for 5 days with a DH that earned 100k nobody would say she’s mean, and if she paid for nursery for 5 days nobody would say she’s mean.

Having just spent the summer holidays with my 7 year old and my 6 month old, I can tell you, you are making the right decision. We didn't have a bad time of it,but I wasn't able to give my undivided attention to either of them without feeling bad for the other. My DD 7year old, spent a lot more time alone than usual and felt left out at times i.e nap time. Obviously you will encounter these issues during holidays as well, but why not avoid the situation where possible, especially if they enjoy preschool, which I think most do. I hope it goes well, enjoy your early days with little one 😊.

That I prioritise my children and want to spend time with them? I’m more than happy for my posts to say that about me.

It IS important for mums to look after themselves but it’s only fair for that to balance with the child’s needs too. Children take everything in and it won’t go unnoticed if you’re constantly trying to get away from them. It’s normal for small children to want to spend time with their parents.

Conversely, I think parenting becomes more of a slog when you’re constantly trying to escape it. You don’t have to enjoy every second and you’re still allowed a break but try to find the joy in it too.

There's nothing wrong with needing or craving a little time to oneself but my concern is that in this situation you've taken the in laws for granted. You mentioned grandparents 'didn't object' to your plans but are they really okay with it? You can bet if you find it tiring looking after a little one for 3 days then they do too.
2 days at nursery, 2 days with in laws and 1 day with you would be much better compromise. But it's not our choice to make.

No, your judgement of people who are doing their best says a lot about you as a person. I am not judging you as a mother, I wouldn’t dare to be so arrogant.

I’ve made a couple of comments on this thread and in both I’ve mentioned both the mother and father as (with the limited info we have) it sounds like they’re both trying to avoid parenting their child. I do find this very sad.

I agree parenting can be exhausting and don’t begrudge her a break but for me two full days a week for ‘me time’ is excessive. If she has a problem with the dad playing golf for hours every weekend (I certainly would) then she needs to address this with him, not attempt to redress the balance by cutting time with the child.

I think there needs to be a level of acceptance that when you have small children for a time your free time takes a big hit. It’s just part of the deal, you can choose to fight it or try to embrace a new temporary season in your life. I’d argue that trying to find the good rather than grasping for me time will leave you much more satisfied with your lot.

Privileged? I think it’s very privileged to have in-laws who offer 3 full days of childcare for free and two days a week to yourself. I think it’s privileged to be able to work part time and in theory have more time to spend with your child. I think the OP is very privileged and she’s failing to see it.

Parents who work full time through choice or necessity don’t get to spend as much time with their kids. That’s just a fact. I’m sure some would love to. To be part time and have that opportunity and choose to pass it up to go to the gym just feels sad to me. If I had the option I wouldn’t choose to work full time with small children. It wouldn’t be worth it to me. I appreciate not everyone has the option, but OP does.

They are in school a long time and you can't turn back the time. I loved the days of toddler classes and park visits but I get that everyone is different and maybe some me time would have saved my sanity.

I‘m not sure I agree this is someone doing ‘their best’, we don’t really have enough info to support that. You seem to be implying that she really needs this time as she’s struggling but maybe she just wants to go to the gym?You don’t have to be at the end of your rope to want to have a break. But as a parent I think the alone time you take should work for the family not just you as an individual.

As a side note - and I’m not just talking about this scenario - not all parents are just doing their best, some are doing the bare minimum. And for some, their best isn’t up to scratch and we shouldn’t just pretend that it’s fine. A parents who shouldn’t come before a child’s wellbeing.