To think that ADHD is killing me

[LazyCrazyAndStupid]

Definitely slowly but also not so slowly. I just can't take care of myself.

I have got a massive cavity in my tooth. The dentist said she doesn't believe me that it doesn't hurt like crazy (it doesn't) but I know it very soon will. Still I can't make the appointment to get it actually filled. It took me more than 10 years to just schedule the initial consultation.

I have got high cholesterol (and all the other markers of early heart disease), high blood pressure, I'm pre diabetic and am severely deficient in vitamin d and moderately deficient in vit b12. But I don't take the supplements let alone do anything about about my bad lipid profile.

I regularly have blood in my stool. I know I need to get it checked but I don't. I get regular chest and arm pain after walking or climbing stairs. I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack soon but I can neither change my lifestyle, nor ask for treatment or even schedule an appointment with my GP. I know It's not like I can't. I make appointments for the kids or DH all the time. I just can't do it for myself.

I can't even wash fruits before eating. It's so stupid. I religiously wash them for the kids or anyone else but not for myself. I'm constantly kindly dehydrated. My throat is so dry it's burning but I still won't drink water. Even when I have a glass of water next to me I won't drink it.

I am getting quite far sighted and it's really annoying me but of course I can't make an appointment with the optician and get varifocals.

I am nearly fifty and I have young kids and I feel terrible about not taking better care of my health and making sure that I'll be around and healthy enough to look after them while they need me. The only thing I somewhat manage to do is look after them and do my work. My work is draining me, especially because I'm so inefficient and slow but it's the one thing I won't completely neglect. The house is a tip and I've got very elderly parents who are suffering massively and desperately need my help but right now I barely manage to even call them.

I don't know what to do. I mean I know exactly what I have to do but I can't . I won't. I mean how do you do anything when you just can't do anything? I know it doesn't make sense but at some point everyone needs to "just do it" and I just can't "just do it".

I am medicated. I think 50mg of lisdexamphetamine. My psychiatrist added another dose of 20mg on top of that recently but most days I forget to take it. When I do I am alert for longer but don't use my time any better.

I am addicted to browsing my phone. I use all kinds of apps to limit my use but I get around them. I need to just get rid of it or at least completely block the browser but I won't do that.

Sorry for the long novel. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm tired and I'm depressed and I don't know how to get myself get out of this rut.

You mention booking appointments for the kids and your DH. So you show them care. Your DH needs to help you and show you care in return.

What you need is for your DH to help you sort this out. What would crack this would be if you wrote down the top 10 things that are bothering you, and you and he sat down for an hour during the week and worked through them together. He could help you with filling in the forms and ringing the relevant numbers and then passing the phone to you.

It is much easier to sort someone else's shit out than your own, especially with ADHD, as the associated guilt and a lot of the paralysis isn't there.

Xylitol is helpful to relieve dental symptoms and prevent further problems but don't overdo it as it's potentially bad for your heart in large doses.

Do your DC see the dentist regularly, do you given them water and make sure they get places on time? This may not be ADHD but a related depression where you are not valuing yourself. Look at your user name, how angry would you be if someone described your DC like that?

There’s a massive feminist narrative missing from the adhd in women and girls concept.

and a comment on society.

I bought that female dr’s book on adhd in women, recognised myself on every page but could provide other reasoning.

also that of the impact of how society has expected much more from women than men over time. And the biological differences between us. As well as how distress is expressed.

Id argue that any woman who is struggling should be able to access the exact same support without a diagnosis.

I'm the same. It runs on one side of my family. Dental issues, vitamins, dehydration - all the same. I am on medication but it causes dry mouth which exacerbates the problem.

Make life as easy for yourself as you can. You won't always get it right, but you may be able to improve things.

For me -
brush teeth/wash face in the shower so it's not a separate task
gummy vitamins or vitamin-infused drinks
small rewards before AND after doing things
ask someone to go with you or take you to an appointment if it's hard to go (I missed two this week before finally making one) - OR see if there are any DIY tests you can do and send in instead - Boots do a few self-tests and it's easier for me to do that than commit to an appointment

ADHD really can be debilitating. Good luck x

I also thought you were addicted to your phone!!! Not to minimise the ADHD; but the phone is overwhelming you. It’s eating all of your free time, all of your relaxation time.

Ditch the phone and get a brick phone.
keep the work phone only for certain hours. Tell work you can’t have a smartphone if needed- you can use WhatsApp on a laptop btw.

i also would recommend you join a yoga or meditation class; it will force you to stop for an hour a week.

Such a stupid comment.
text book ADHD.
you clearly don’t know a thing about it.

The one thing that helped my phone addiction is switching the settings to put my phone permanently in black and white. You can still use it for everything you need it for, but it's much less appealing for wasting time on. It's not a silver bullet but it might help you and I'd recommend it to anyone serious about cutting screen time.

Another stupid comment.
great that works for you but doesn’t work for half the people out there with ADHD.
well done for feeding into the whole ‘just do it’ attitude for people with ADHD. 👏🏻

Poor you OP - I do sort of get it, what you are saying. Is it like the self-pressure not to do something overrides the potential benefit in one set of circs only - IF the something you intended to do, benefits only you, because that is selfish and therefore shouldn't be done. Or you manage for a few days on an aspect that benefits only you, then the self-pressure overcomes and insists you stop because it is selfish/self-absorbed etc.

Anyway, I am posting to say what I do with vitamins, which is have two sets - one in the kitchen and one upstairs in the drawer next to my bed. That way wherever you are when you remember you ought to take them, they are nearby. Try to resist the self-pressure to put them all in one pot to "take up less space/feel less guilty about what you spent on them/show off your selfishness less" whatever, while convincing yourself you'll remember which shaped pill is which. You won't, self-pressure will say "I don't even remember which is which, I better not take them at all. What's more, I better not buy any replacements either since this is the sort of thing that happens."

Good luck. If I knew where you were I could come over and assist for a short term fix, like you (or PP?) said it is so much easier to assist other folk than help oneself!

Going to disagree with everyone else and say the phone use is a symptom of your burnout, not the problem itself. I have ADHD. My phone use goes up when I am overwhelmed. Yes it can also feed the overwhelm if you're doing it instead of what you need to be doing, but you're doing it because you're struggling and it's an escape. It's actually a very logical response. Most of our coping mechanisms/safety behaviours have a rationality to them, they can just become unhelpful sometimes. Before medication I was really struggling and I was encouraged by counsellors to keep my phone use as honestly it was the only part of my day that was for me.

Obviously I can't give you medical advice but I am wondering if you should speak to your doctor again about your meds - have you tried anything other than lisdexamfetamine? I found slow release ineffective and am on the immediate release ones.

I have also found both person centred counselling and neurodivergent coaching really helpful, both pre and post meds, if you can access either of those.

I completely understand being able to motivate yourself to look after others but not yourself. I think some of that might be a self esteem issue, which maybe counselling can help you explore. You matter. If you can't look after yourself for you right now, maybe try thinking of it as making sure you're well enough to keep looking after your loved ones for as long as possible?

Try to forgive yourself for struggling. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I always recommend this book called Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price because I think it reeframes some of the shame around this stuff in a really helpful way and talks about neurodivergence. We are often really hard on ourselves, I especially tend to motivate myself through self criticism but it can have the opposite effect of making things harder.

Take care - I'm rooting for you

I could have written this, similar health profile, but I have managed to take a few small steps. I now always book a dental appointment for my DC at me together which makes sure I get seen as well. I'm making one change at a time to my diet. It's really hard, people don't really understand this aspect of ADHD at all.

I struggle massively with procrastinating. I have to be very firm with myself. Sounds awful but are you making too many allowances for yourself? If you changed your thought process from I’ve got adhd I can’t do it to I’ve got to make conscious effort because iM being selfish potentially being very unwell. Would that help?

I came to say PDA. I have adhd and autism. I have pda traits.
I do make and keep appointments but it affects me in other ways.

The OP has been through loads of health professionals has been diagnosed, medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist who has trained for 10-20 years - but YOU know better!!

Why have you made your post all about you and your woes - totally irrelevant to the OP.

Get your elavanse upped to 70mg. Put them in a monthly pill pot when you get the script and set reminders.

We are an adhd household and use alexa for voice reminders daily.

So reminder in evening to put all meds on the dining room table ready.for morning.

3 reminders in morning to take meds with huge sign on the back of the front door.

Pill pot makes sure u take right day and can go back and see you have taken it.

My issue here is that the diagnosis doesn’t seem to be helping.

And Bar meds (which really don’t suit everyone )

We should be able to access help or be supported by those around us with a diagnosis. We should be able to without too.

The op is still SEVERELY struggling. After all that help!

You’ve totally missed my point.

I really relate to this- you’ve given me a 💡 moment. I have got (diagnosed) ADHD and a long history of self-sabotage/self neglect. I never made a link between the two; thank you for making me think!

I can’t believe you’re all going on about ADHD and phone use when the OP has says she regularly gets chest pains and blood in her stool. Getting those symptoms looked at should be the only priority right now.

I don’t have adhd but I do have tiredness and depression- disabled adult daughter. I find I can’t be bothered to do a lot of things for myself, it’s easier to google/scroll/play games. Keeps my brain vaguely entertained without much effort. I used to love reading but that’s too hard now. I’m working on putting my phone out of reach, and re teaching myself self care. I’m making an effort now to get out and about, fresh air, yoga. Gradually I’m learning to look after myself, I’m worth it.
Im way past the menopause before anyone asks.

Have you spoken to the GP? Some of this sounds like depression. I’m not saying it’s not adhd, just might be helped with more meds.

If you get one thing sorted, please see the GP about blood in your stool or ask your DH to make you an appointment. That is something you can’t ignore.

This sounds like the ADHD paralysis that my daughter gets. Have a little chat with yourself and resolve to sort these out one by one.

Think about the steps that need to be done for each one and either make a priority list, or put all the things down on scraps of paper (eg make dentist appointment) so you can pull one out of the year each day or week (or somewhere in between) and make that your priority for that day or week. Give yourself a reward for doing each one (eg no chocolate until I have done x).

Make a GP appointment to discuss your mental state, which could include HRT or a change of meds, and then ask for a pot for a stool sample at the same appointment. (Make sorting stool sample a separate task).

Other than that, you could confide in a good friend or family member and ask them to support you in your 'getting self sorted' journey as a type of life coach.

In the time it took you to type out that long initial post you could have booked all those appointments. I find it takes longer to do it by phone so try to choose dentists etc that offer an online booking system.