To think that ADHD is killing me

[LazyCrazyAndStupid]

Definitely slowly but also not so slowly. I just can't take care of myself.

I have got a massive cavity in my tooth. The dentist said she doesn't believe me that it doesn't hurt like crazy (it doesn't) but I know it very soon will. Still I can't make the appointment to get it actually filled. It took me more than 10 years to just schedule the initial consultation.

I have got high cholesterol (and all the other markers of early heart disease), high blood pressure, I'm pre diabetic and am severely deficient in vitamin d and moderately deficient in vit b12. But I don't take the supplements let alone do anything about about my bad lipid profile.

I regularly have blood in my stool. I know I need to get it checked but I don't. I get regular chest and arm pain after walking or climbing stairs. I'm terrified I'll have a heart attack soon but I can neither change my lifestyle, nor ask for treatment or even schedule an appointment with my GP. I know It's not like I can't. I make appointments for the kids or DH all the time. I just can't do it for myself.

I can't even wash fruits before eating. It's so stupid. I religiously wash them for the kids or anyone else but not for myself. I'm constantly kindly dehydrated. My throat is so dry it's burning but I still won't drink water. Even when I have a glass of water next to me I won't drink it.

I am getting quite far sighted and it's really annoying me but of course I can't make an appointment with the optician and get varifocals.

I am nearly fifty and I have young kids and I feel terrible about not taking better care of my health and making sure that I'll be around and healthy enough to look after them while they need me. The only thing I somewhat manage to do is look after them and do my work. My work is draining me, especially because I'm so inefficient and slow but it's the one thing I won't completely neglect. The house is a tip and I've got very elderly parents who are suffering massively and desperately need my help but right now I barely manage to even call them.

I don't know what to do. I mean I know exactly what I have to do but I can't . I won't. I mean how do you do anything when you just can't do anything? I know it doesn't make sense but at some point everyone needs to "just do it" and I just can't "just do it".

I am medicated. I think 50mg of lisdexamphetamine. My psychiatrist added another dose of 20mg on top of that recently but most days I forget to take it. When I do I am alert for longer but don't use my time any better.

I am addicted to browsing my phone. I use all kinds of apps to limit my use but I get around them. I need to just get rid of it or at least completely block the browser but I won't do that.

Sorry for the long novel. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm tired and I'm depressed and I don't know how to get myself get out of this rut.

Were you Neglected as a kid? I was and I am very bad at self care

Why not ask your husband to make some of these appointments for you? You do it for him

A lot of people have no idea how truly debilitating adhd can be. It’s seen as such an active condition whereas in reality it can be extremely difficult to transition from one task to another
things like brushing teeth can be a sensory nightmare, add in guilt for not achieving the basics and it’s a one way ticket to dissociation one way or another and that can include phone use.
often the adhd brain is so active that it’s using all your nervous system and mental energy which also can make it hard to concentrate and organise yourself and tasks etc.
see if you can get adhd therapy or coaching via access to work if you’re working or your local adhd / autism service, nhs or adult social care.
dont listen to negativity about your teeth, grooming etc, this is the reality of the condition for a large amount of people, we often only hear about the fun quirky ones full of ideas and projects

Same

Hi OP. So sorry to hear how things are for you. Regarding the appointments and life admin, is it not possible for your DH to arrange these for you and take a more active part in reminding you/ encouraging you?

Also regarding your medication, have a physical alarm clock set for the same time each day with your medicine sat on top of it. Maybe do the same with your vitamins, although check off they can be taken at the same time as your adhd medication as I know they’re lots you shouldn’t take at the same time/ within a couple hours. If they can’t be taken at the same time then a separate physical alarm clock with them on top.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just implement little changes and hopefully with the help of your DH and also your planned limited phone use, things will start to improve little by little.

If you are prepared to sit with a burning throat and a glass of water next to you that you won't drink then I am not sure what you hope to get from this thread?
Every time you are procrastinating about something that is actively shortening your lifespan maybe you need to think about your children and force yourself to drink/make the appointment etc.

Do you actually know anything about ADHD because it sounds like you don't?

ADHD can be really crap, I don’t struggle with what you do but I struggle in other areas. I found my ADHD has gotten a lot harder in perimenopause, apparently that’s very common. Can your DH make appointments for you at least just to get your Urgent health worries sorted. Maybe you’re really worried of results will show so are trying to avoid it.

is the medication you’re on for ADHD? I’m on methylphenidate but if you have health conditions obviously you may not be able to have it, it does help me to focus and get things done though.

it’s important you share your struggles with anyone you can, at least just to get on top of things, your to do list has gotten long and scary. Focus on one thing at a time. Get 1 appointment out of the way at a time. You’re too overwhelmed so have ‘frozen’

I think this sounds like pathological demand avoidance. Especially the not being able to get a drink when you’re thirsty. Your brain perceives the thirst as a demand. My teenager was diagnosed with it and there are things they really enjoy doing that they sometimes just can’t do because the PDA stops them.

I think.you need to have a chat with your DH and share chores.
Mine will do certain things for me bc he knows I just WILL NOT do them otherwise.
And things like the dentist - when you do eventually go when you pay at the end dont they ask if you'd like to book your next appointment while youre there? ALWAYS SAY YES. Then its done.

OP, I am afraid I have no experience so forgive me if I am talking nonsense. Could you reframe your tasks as if they are for the kids? Like you need to sort your heart checks out as your children need their mum? Which is the truth of course. Tell yourself this is a job for them and not you.

Anyway, this sounds tough. I live my life a bit too much in the opposite way, and I can’t imagine having so many tasks undone. Sending sympathy.

I agree with this.

i wish i had answers for you, op, but just wanted to show solidarity. I hope the phone blocking app helps.

Oh man, I'm identifying so hard with this one. And mostly not in the way that others are.
You may well be phone addicted, loads are, but the bit that stands out for me is not being able to do anything for yourself. This is absolutely me.

It just makes me feel so bad, in a non-specific way doing things that are just for me. And I get really extreme with it too. I have a water bottle to take to work (van driver), all I have to do is fill it. But I find myself talking myself out of taking it on a daily basis because I don't NEED it, do I? And then get terrible headaches from dehydration. I also went 10 years without owning any socks because I accidentally threw them out in a house move, and I felt so useless and wasteful that I wouldn't allow myself to get more.

I do think I'm autistic/adhd for various reasons, but I don't have a diagnosis. But I also wonder whether it's anything to do with my religious background. My mum is christian fundamentalist (end times/rapture etc), so the expectation was that I wasn't going to live a full life. There was certainly no point in getting qualifications or planning a future, I wonder if this affected my sense of self, I kinda feel like I don't really exist, if that makes any sense?

Does any of this ring any bells with you?

Does body doubling work for you? Get your DH or a friend to sit with you while you make all your appointments and then get them to add to their diary and ensure you go?

sympathy, it’s so tough as a woman. ND men often have better support as their partners make all their appointments etc.

I had a ten year dentist gap too. When I finally went all I needed was a clean! Might not be as bad as you think

She’s already been to the dentist she just needs to book in the filling appointment.

How come you can make appointments with a psychiatrist for an ADHD assessment and medication but not with a dentist or GP? Presumably you have had appointments to test for blood pressure and cholesterol?
Have you always been disorganised?

Please see a doctor about your chest / arm pain urgently. Also the blood in your stool. Nothing else matters as much.

How old are your children?
Is your husband supportive around all your struggles?
X

Err - yes it is. What are you basing that on? Have a read of Russell Barkley.

ADHD coaching may be helpful to you, OP. Find one with PAAC certification

I don’t think this is adhd and I am concerned that women are getting diagnosed when it could be health issues plus chronic burnout plus midlife plus menopause.

I have chronic health conditions that have demanded that I care for myself; they at times in the past have made it hard for me to do that.

hardest with midlife, kids, menopause etc.

getting breast cancer actually gave me some time to stop, think and start and embed new habits, and get a serious grip on diet etc. as I then couldn’t have hrt. The medication I now take presents challenges and I’m sure I could get an adhd / add dx (based on childhood too) but I believe it would stop me and those around me making sure I’m in optimum health. I have reflected that this is what many women in their late 40s need. The cancer bit gave me a sense of urgency I really needed too.

I cant work full time and have to manage flares of the other conditions including severe brain fog and fatigue. But actually I’m doing better in some areas than I did when younger.

I wonder if there’s something else going on here OP? You seem to be able to function in caring for others, like religiously washing fruit for your kids, taking care of them but you can’t do anything that’s good for yourself. Have you had any kind of counselling? I realise suggesting you book an appointment for doing something like that is ironic (when you struggle to care for yourself) but it might help you to get to the root of this.

I know that lack of self care and ADHD can go hand in hand but what you’re describing sounds more like self sabotage/active neglect. I say this without judgement as although this is not my area of struggle, I have supported a close friend through it.

I think you need to talk to someone to try and unravel if there’s something else going on.

@LazyCrazyAndStupid you’ve made a good first step by starting this thread. While you are reading the responses, can you turn the appointment based stuff into a list?

Post on the thread when you have.

I agree with the PDA comment- I struggle massively with ADHD and Demand avoidance and I’ve now come to realise that it’s a form of self harm, the care I deny myself, like I don’t matter, a kind of self loathing / neglect
I hide it well , which drains my energy xx 😘

Yanbu

Ask your psychiatrist about ADHD burnout because inability to get stuff done in one sphere of life is a early warning sign that you are headed towards total burnout.

Copy & paste what you just wrote with names and phone numbers of which doctor, dentist, optician you want to see and why. You then ask your DH to book these appointments for you. It is very common for people with ADHD and/or ASD to struggle with phoning somewhere to get an appointment booked. He should be fine with doing it.

Then book holidays from work so you can go to these appointments.

I would talk to psychiatrist as well about whether some of your self neglect is self harm. You might be a bit depressed too. Usually in ADHD burnout, people stop social stuff, then have trouble doing their job. But deliberately putting your health at risk and your saying ADHD is destroying your life and your guilt & self blame is indicative of your reaction to burning out. You are blaming yourself when you should not be. And its almost like you want to get seriously ill so you will then have a good excuse to take a break.

You need a break, your DH needs to do more for you to help you through this. There is no shame in asking.

Gosh some of the replies on this thread are shameful, especially given the OP is very clearly struggling and seeking help.

Unfortunately I find this to be a cycle that is very hard to break and the only way to drive change is through consistency - something that is difficult to achieve when you have ADHD.

OP have you looked up any support groups? They have lots of useful help and advice, I’ve used them a lot to help my child. Things like using your phone to do things like set alarms? I have loads and it does work. What I do is break each task down into smaller chunks and tackle one thing at a time. What’s the one most important thing to tackle right now? Booking a GP appointment would be my conclusion and make sure you ask for a double/extended appt to go through everything you need to.

Is there anyone in real life who could provide support? When I was struggling with mental health recently I was allocated a buddy. They were a volunteer and they were brilliant. I’m just wondering if you have anyone in your life you can lean on.

Also, well done for managing everything you do! Children, partner, parents, you know that’s not easy. You can do this!! You just need some support to get you up and running. Good luck.