AIBU to want Christmas morning with my child this year?

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Sorry if this is long. The background to this is that my ex and I mutually agreed to split when DD7 was 2 and a half because it just wasn't working. Since then, we've shared care of our DD on a largely fixed weekly schedule. My ex has remarried, I have not.

Under the normal arrangement, our child is with my ex for the first part of the week, with me for part of Tuesday, then back with my ex until Thursday afternoon. I then have her from Thursday afternoon until Saturday evening, after which she goes back to my ex. I know it's not an equal arrangement, but at the time that we made it, it seemed a reasonable balance for a young child; the maintenance also has also allowed my ex to stay in the family home without downsizing, which I think has been better for my daughter.

Generally we co-parent well, and support each other by swapping days throughout the year if someone wants to go away for something, or take DD somewhere special. DD is happy and well-adjusted, and she does a lot of activities, so we often need to be flexible about performances, end of year showcases, etc. We also arrange holiday splits so that we can minimise travel when we take our daughter to see her grandparents in various countries in Europe.

Christmas Day this year falls squarely within my normal parenting time.
In previous years, DD has always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my ex, and I have had her from Christmas afternoon for a few days. My ex has always been cooperative about making sure I see her on Christmas Day, which I appreciate.

This year, because Christmas falls during my normal time, I suggested that DD spends Christmas morning with just me for the first time, then goes to my ex around lunchtime/early afternoon and stays there for the next few days. I thought this was a fair way of reversing the previous arrangement while still making sure we both got a substantial part of Christmas Day.

My ex has said she doesn't think the Christmas morning arrangement should change because DD is used to going to a Christmas Eve service with her and then waking up at her house, and she says that maintaining this routine is in our child's best interests because it provides predictability and stability.

She has proposed keeping the same Christmas arrangement as previous years: DD stays with her through Christmas morning, then comes to me on Christmas afternoon for a few days.

For context, over the Christmas holidays we normally depart from the weekly schedule anyway and arrange longer blocks with each parent, partly so that both households have the opportunity to go away.

I can see the argument that Christmas traditions and predictability matter to children. At the same time, I don't think “stability” necessarily means that one parent should always have Christmas morning indefinitely, particularly when Christmas falls within the other parent's normal time, and I feel that me always being the secondary parent will send the wrong message to my daughter.

I also suggested that our child could still go to the Christmas Eve service with my ex as usual, then I could collect her afterwards so she wakes up with me on Christmas morning, before returning to my ex later that day.

AIBU to think that, after several years of Christmas morning always being with my ex, it is reasonable for me to have Christmas morning with DD this year and for us either to alternate it in future or let the normal schedule determine it? BTW, we have the same issue with Easter, with my ex insisting that DD is with her on Easter morning each year - fair enough it's her day, but I think it would be better for my daughter to alternate this so that she can go somewhere on holiday with each of us, rather than needing to swap between parents so often.

He's not said his daughter loves them and to refer to it as a bombshell is ridiculous, nearly 3 months is not short notice.

This.
Yanbu to want things to be a bit flexible at Christmas too.

You need to split custody to exactly 50 50 and unless both sides agree dates do not get altered. So you say have Sunday through to Wednesday afternoon ex Wednesday afternoon to Saturday evening.

and no you get Christmas morning this year it’s your day.

That is one of the potentially important details that we don't have.

Maybe OP will come back.

Yeah, parents can’t win on here, when a woman is saying she is arguing or getting treated poorly from partner people say “tbat poor child” and she is encouraged to leave, then they do that and try to make it work and it’s still “poor child”

It's October and it's hardly a 'bombshell.'

Every year loads of children stay away from their family home at Christmas to visit relatives. Santa always finds them.

I know it’s difficult but I also feel the traditions are important, also to ask your DD what she would like to do. A lot of the posts are saying ‘fairness’ but there is something to be said to be able to look back on a tradition when you’re older. My children are a little bit older but would hate for their tradition to be broken on Christmas Day and always go to their Dad on Boxing Day to ‘do it all again’. Can’t you just make your own tradition when you collect her in the afternoon?

My step daughter (who's now an adult) never had Christmas Day with us ever. We did Christmas stockings on Christmas Eve morning instead and invited family over on Christmas Eve for food and party games and for her to get gifts from family.

When we had our other children, this became part of their Christmas routine - stockings and Father Christmas came a night early.

However - my main gripe over the 2 decades of this arrangement was that Christmas Eve is a working day! So my parents and siblings were in work during the day so could only come over for food early evening. SD's mum made the time she wanted to pick up earlier and earlier each year so she could do their "Christmas Eve traditions with hot chocolate" (I'm sorry but how are you pulling that one when you're the one who has her every single Christmas Day all day?). I pushed back on the times as it felt unreasonable for her not to see family at all but some years, her aunts and uncles and godfather would only see her for a half hour before she was whisked away. (as an aside, I think this was also tied up in her mum being a teacher and I've found that teachers often forget that the rest of the world doesn't have a full fortnight away from work in December.)

So, I'd say:

1. It's OK to make up your own traditions and make the best of a sometimes shitty situation
2. push back when it feels (and is) unreasonable
3. try to see the positives (I like that our house is full of family and friends a day early so I get all my hosting responsibilities out of the way early doors, my sons like that it feels they get two Christmas days, my SD has had the same rhythm and routine through her whole childhood, it's helped keep her mum and her gran on board and happy)

Also, the way the weeks work for you all at the moment can and probably will change when she's in high school, when she gets more independence and friends and parents are no longer the main characters in her life, and if there's ever a global pandemic that throws everything into chaos.

Not everyone does stockings and there's not enough information to go on as to whether she would want to do that with siblings we don't know exist or not. May have siblings from dads side too, also just as likely she would want to spend Christmas with her dad aswel.

She's 7, there's plenty of time to alter traditions and implement new ones, including alternating years.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, both yabu and yanbu.

To answer a few questions, DD doesn't have any siblings, step or otherwise. I'm sure my ex puts a lot of effort and care into making sure that Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Easter is special, but then so would I (and I do for the rest of Christmas etc). Also, alternating sometimes would let my daughter experience the different parts of Christmas in different ways - I'm English and ex is from a different European country, and so there are small differences in how Christmas is celebrated, the types of food etc. I don't know whether she's putting out carrots for the reindeer and mince pies for Santa on Christmas Eve, and equally there are probably Christmas afternoon traditions from my exes culture that DD doesn't experience because she's with me.

Re: DD's birthday, last year was the first year that DD was with me all day, but my ex called round to see her. This year DD will be with me in the morning and my ex at night, so that will work out ok anyway.

I don't think it's a good idea to ask DD what she wants - I get the sense that she's already quite attuned to not upsetting her mother. Sometimes she asks if she's staying with me on a day when she's going back to her mother, and it's fairly clear that she wants to stay, but if I gently ask whether she'd like to stay more often, she'll always say that she wants things to stay as they are. Maybe that's an argument for keeping Christmas the same, but I think that she and I are both missing out on some experiences there.

Someone queried me saying that I thought it would be better for DD if we alternated Easter. What I mean is that the current arrangement stops either parent going away during the Easter weekend. I don't get a ton of leave at work, so it would be nice some years to be able to take DD somewhere without needing to take a lot of leave. I'm happy to reciprocate with this and let my ex take DD away first. As I said before we generally co-parent well, and there's a lot of give and take around other public holidays, weekends away, side trips to festivals and so on. It's just Christmas and Easter that seems a bit rigid.

A few people suggested that I should be looking at 50:50 now. I agree, but I'm fairly sure that my ex will not be happy with this - both from the perspective of losing time with DD and any changes to maintenance, and so I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to be talking about it at the same time as I try to sort out Christmas. Maybe I should have done that first, but Christmas seems like it's a much smaller change.

This isn’t to do with your ex being unhappy . This is your child , do what feels best for you and your child .
if maintenance stayed the same would she be happier to change the arrangement I wonder. Please get some legal advice and if you want more time with your child and I wish you well.

Perhaps your Co-parenting is amicable because your ex is having the contact she wants and you have never rocked the boat.

You only have another 5 years before friendships take over family time so if you want more time with your DD it’s time to put wheels in motion.

which is why I said she might have a view!!

I disagree regarding it being a bombshell. Kids have strong feelings about Christmas. If I had told my son, at any time of year, that he was spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at his Dad's house - or worse, that his Dad would like him to but it was up to him, what did he think? - it would absolutely have been a bombshell.

Definitely don't ask the 7-year old what she wants. You're effectively asking her to choose between her parents. Which one she wants to let down. That's a horrible burden to place on her.

My ex-husband knew our son would 100% choose to stay at what he saw as his main home at Christmas. There was no need to ask him. It became a question between the grown ups over what was 'fair' - and my ex-husband knew that regardless of what he wanted, the fairest thing would be to not upset our son at Christmas. So we compromised.

I would hold off having any 50/50 conversations with her but I would suggest you start alternating Christmas, Easter etc. me and my ex split when she was 5 and we have always alternated Christmas. She's 10 now and said the other day she's glad she doesn't have to switch between us on Christmas day like some of her friends do. What we tend to do is have her from the 23rd until Boxing day. Which ever one of us doesn't have her on Christmas will do our version of Christmas starting on Boxing day ( last year boxing day was our Christmas eve etc)

I disagree. The parents have lived apart for a long time (over 5 years) and their child spends time at both homes.

There is therefore no 'main home' (if fact, that is not a term I would ever have used to my own children. We separated when ours were teenagers and from the start, my house was referred to as No.4 and exH's house was 'Ivy Cottage'. Merely referring to it as their 'main home' in the context of where to spend time feels manipulative to me. I do realise that a 'main home' does exists for other purposes e.g. school records etc.).

There is no 'bombshell' here - it is October! This allows plenty of time for the parents to discuss this but one of them unfortunately is using this kind of 'main home/routine/church' etc. stuff as emotionally blackmail the other.

How would you like it is someone else prevented you from never waking up on Christmas morning with your own child? What would you think of that person?

But this is how you break the tradition… you’re totally missing the point. Traditions stay the same and they date back before you can remember…. Like mine always have ham egg and chips on Christmas Eve. My DD is 9 and if I said, oh we are changing that, now we are having pizza for Christmas Eve dinner, she’d be most upset! I have a picture of my children eating this dinner since they were babies and they love those pictures and the memories

But it's not just her traditions that are important. And just because it's something you do, does not make it a tradition.

Comparing ham, egg and chips to a child spending alternate years with each parent is beyond cringe.

Christmas is for children. Don't turn this into a bone of contention. If you think your daughter will be worried about upsetting her mother, then let her have Christmas morning there, as usual. Yes, it's not fair, but it's not fair to put pressure on a 7 year old, no matter how you feel about it. You can be the.bigger person.

It's not up to you to decide who christmas is for. If we followed your logic childfree people wouldn't celebrate and people would stop when their kids move out.

If he kicks off and gets the child to be worried about upsetting him does that mean they should split it?

I coparented 50 / 50 for years. I always had Christmas morning and took her to her mums late afternoon but that was because her mum didnt want to spend christmas morning with her daughter. My daughter got used to it after a few years and then always wanted the same arrangement.

I think in your situation and age of your daughter, its perfectly reasonable to want to spend christmas morning with your daughter (which is the special time) when she is this young and as you only have a few magical Santa christmases left. So I would push for it and make them special with her whilst you still have the chance. Your ex resisting this would be selfish in my opinion.

Maybe Christingle, usually about 5-6pm?

It sounds rather selfish on her side Xmas morning with children is what its about , you paint a cosy picture but it clearly works for her well unless the ex suggests say you all go to church together and you stay over insist on your time