AIBU to want Christmas morning with my child this year?

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Sorry if this is long. The background to this is that my ex and I mutually agreed to split when DD7 was 2 and a half because it just wasn't working. Since then, we've shared care of our DD on a largely fixed weekly schedule. My ex has remarried, I have not.

Under the normal arrangement, our child is with my ex for the first part of the week, with me for part of Tuesday, then back with my ex until Thursday afternoon. I then have her from Thursday afternoon until Saturday evening, after which she goes back to my ex. I know it's not an equal arrangement, but at the time that we made it, it seemed a reasonable balance for a young child; the maintenance also has also allowed my ex to stay in the family home without downsizing, which I think has been better for my daughter.

Generally we co-parent well, and support each other by swapping days throughout the year if someone wants to go away for something, or take DD somewhere special. DD is happy and well-adjusted, and she does a lot of activities, so we often need to be flexible about performances, end of year showcases, etc. We also arrange holiday splits so that we can minimise travel when we take our daughter to see her grandparents in various countries in Europe.

Christmas Day this year falls squarely within my normal parenting time.
In previous years, DD has always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my ex, and I have had her from Christmas afternoon for a few days. My ex has always been cooperative about making sure I see her on Christmas Day, which I appreciate.

This year, because Christmas falls during my normal time, I suggested that DD spends Christmas morning with just me for the first time, then goes to my ex around lunchtime/early afternoon and stays there for the next few days. I thought this was a fair way of reversing the previous arrangement while still making sure we both got a substantial part of Christmas Day.

My ex has said she doesn't think the Christmas morning arrangement should change because DD is used to going to a Christmas Eve service with her and then waking up at her house, and she says that maintaining this routine is in our child's best interests because it provides predictability and stability.

She has proposed keeping the same Christmas arrangement as previous years: DD stays with her through Christmas morning, then comes to me on Christmas afternoon for a few days.

For context, over the Christmas holidays we normally depart from the weekly schedule anyway and arrange longer blocks with each parent, partly so that both households have the opportunity to go away.

I can see the argument that Christmas traditions and predictability matter to children. At the same time, I don't think “stability” necessarily means that one parent should always have Christmas morning indefinitely, particularly when Christmas falls within the other parent's normal time, and I feel that me always being the secondary parent will send the wrong message to my daughter.

I also suggested that our child could still go to the Christmas Eve service with my ex as usual, then I could collect her afterwards so she wakes up with me on Christmas morning, before returning to my ex later that day.

AIBU to think that, after several years of Christmas morning always being with my ex, it is reasonable for me to have Christmas morning with DD this year and for us either to alternate it in future or let the normal schedule determine it? BTW, we have the same issue with Easter, with my ex insisting that DD is with her on Easter morning each year - fair enough it's her day, but I think it would be better for my daughter to alternate this so that she can go somewhere on holiday with each of us, rather than needing to swap between parents so often.

I think you can ask your daughter what she would prefer in a casual way.
Ask her what she likes about Christmas.
Casually say we might swap this year.
Watch her face carefully for a reaction.
But please be prepared for her to want to stick with the way it is.

I actually think keeping traditions the same is good. I wish I’d been able to do that for mine.

I think your desire for a Christmas morning should come second what is better for your daughter. And may be what she wants at 7.

I hate this fighting for ‘my time’ as if children are there for the adults needs. My ex did this - it was all about what was fair to him, not what was best for DC. Don’t be that parent.

Christmas usually sits outside of normal coparenting arrangements so for that yanbu and this should have been sorted separately to your standard pattern.

However I always think it’s very important to make sure that Christmas is about what makes a nice day for the children, not the adults so you should all be wary of that.

DB and his ex swap one person has Xmas eve and Xmas morning and the other person has Xmas afternoon and Boxing Day. It’s “fair” but it’s not much fun for the children who after opening all their presents have to leave one parent on their own and travel an hour and a half to wherever DB or. Ex is then spending the majority of Christmas Day.

Your ex is selfish and unreasonable.

She may also want to spend xmas morning with her dad!

OP hasn’t been back

I think the most important question here is whether DD has half siblings at her mum’s house. If so then I would imagine she’d like to do stockings with them.

I agree she is old enough to be asked what she’d prefer.

Why can't you go to the Christmas Eve show. In the back ground and take her home to sleep, wake up etc. until later in the day?
It is fair that you do get to see her Christmas morning sometimes while she is young. It is delightful.
I'm on your side. Alternate for a few years.

Exactly.

Some years my DSs went to their Dad's and some years we stayed at home. Most years we went to my DPs' and occasionally my DSis hosted. One year we went to Gambia and another to Cancun. Santa came on a jet ski. Some years we splashed cash, some years it was a very modest affair. Know what? They always loved it! So long as adults make Christmas about family, children have a good time. That enjoyment and the people who love them are what makes the happy childhood memories.

My ex and I have a rotation for Christmas. One year they are with their dad Christmas Eve into Christmas morning, the following year it flips.
I think it's the only fair way to do it.

My ex has my girls EOW and a bit more in holidays. Christmas we split so one year each parent has Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They go to the othre parents on Boxing Day. They might spend the day of Christmas eve with the other parent if we have it off. The kids are fine with it and get used to different traditions. What they never wanted was to do the Christmas eve , morning and wake up and then go somewhere else. They were old enough for us to discuss this with them. I do think you shoudl have a chance to create some of your own traditions while it's still magic. Mine are teens now and it is all I can do to crowbar them out of bed.

I agree, I would want a morning. Nothing beats waking up with an excited child on Christmas Day. I would go one step further an alternate Christmases. When my daughter was younger, we had a couple of years of a handover midway through the day and it was just a nightmare. We then moved it. Say that someone had the few days up to an including Christmas Day and then there would be a changeover on Boxing Day morning.

I think you need a 50/50 split if you want to rotate Christmas. At the moment, you only have you DD two nights a week...this does make you the secondary parent. I think it is a shame to change what happens at Christmas if your DD is used to this arrangement. Are you sure that you can create your own traditions and that she won't miss being with her other family for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning? She's only 7 and will worry about whether Santa can find her...and no doubt you'll do things differently to what she's used to. Can you really say that this is in her best interests? I think you might need to put your feelings aside for the next few years, while she's little. Wait until she has a choice and real say in the matter.

I agree that you should alternate who your DD spends Christmas Day with but ultimately, because she is now 7 and has had this routine for as long as she can remember I really think you need to discuss it with her. She might want to stick with the current arrangement for now but that might change as she gets a little older. It’s her experience you’re really trying to optimise I presume.

When I was 9/10 my mum wanted to take me away on a summer holiday without my dad (we did family holidays together too). I didn’t want to go because my dad was the one that played with me on holiday and I didn’t think I’d have fun “by myself”. We didn’t go that year. I’m sure my mum was disappointed. I’m not sure if my feelings about the holiday were the main reason we didn’t go. The next year I was older, less into ‘playing’ and happy to read my book in the sun with my mum. We had a nice holiday together without my dad.

I have the opposite example where my parents wanted the three of us to spend Christmas abroad one year. Again I was about 9. When they told me about it I was devastated, crying, really upset. I hated the idea of changing our normal Christmas and not seeing extended family at Christmas. We spent Christmas abroad. I had a great time on this once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Christmas wasn’t the same (we were in Asia) but my parents did their best to make it special and brought my presents with them which was obviously a big focus for me at that age.

All this to say, definitely include your child in the conversations so they feel like they can tell you their preferences but there might still be a reason to do things differently to what they want/usual routine and if they’re having a special Christmas with a loving parent I think it’ll all work out fine even if it’s different to usual. Children do need to learn that things change and that’s ok too.

Do Xmas morning together. That’s what me and my exh have done for the last decade. He would come to ours Xmas Eve, do the Xmas Eve stuff that little people like and then he would stay over in my son’s room and he would sleep in with me. We did Xmas morning together and then we alternated the rest of the day. So they then either went with him or they stayed with me. Then 3/4 years ago when my youngest no longer believed we switched to him just coming in the morning.

Our two are 15 and 17 now so this year I don’t think we will do even that because they only get bigger gifts now (he usually gets my sons and I get my daughters) as they have gone past the stage of a sack of gifts. But I wouldn’t have missed half of the magic of xmas eves and mornings when they were little.

ASK THE CHILD

Why do parents argue 'their' feeling over things that aren't about them, its about the CHILD.

If you drag them back and forth and force them to do something they don't want (that makes them give up what they enjoy) then they won't be happy or comfortable and could even resent you so you won't get the happy memories you want by forceful control.

On the flip side, when I was given a choice 100% of the time I would choose my mam for something big like Christmas this so maybe she would love to spend it with you and jump at the chance.

Someone just need to calmly and non-manipulatively ask her what she wants.

I’m on the fence with this. Of course yanbu at all to want the Christmas morning magic with your DD. And maybe your dd would actually love to mix it up. however that stability and routine can be so beneficial to dc of separated parents.

My ex never wanted ds on Christmas Eve as he liked to go to the pub so that suited us but I think it also worked well for DS and he loved going to his dads for a quieter Christmas afternoon/evening after a hectic morning/lunch with me - that part was just as much of his “special Christmas” as Christmas morning. But if his dad had wanted to switch it up then I’d have agreed as it would have felt unfair not to. In fact his dad wanted to take ds away one Christmas, I think ds was about 12 but ds decided not to go. I didn’t sway him either way though and even encouraged him to go.

id have a really good think about what your DD would like and maybe say to your ex “could we gently raise with DD? I’d hate for her to feel that this was something she’d have liked”. I genuinely think doing right by DC in coparenting situations isn’t always going to look 50/50 equal, in terms of costs, time, holidays etc.

if you all decide to keep the status quo (or either way) I’m sure you do lots of this already but I’d really lean into holiday traditions that you do with dd every year -even if it’s just making a gingerbread house together or something. Christmas can be special regardless of who wakes up on Christmas morning together. Also your ex can have the Christmas mornings when she’s a teen and not so bothered about getting up etc and you’ll get the chilled evening board games, film, lovely part of the day 😄. I think now my ds is 14 I’d rather have the second half of the day in my ideal world!

your ex is being selfish they can’t have every Christmas morning, Christmas should be shared.

I voted YABU. Not because I don't feel for you - I do - but because I agree with your ex that Christmas is all about traditions, and by happenstance your child has fallen into a Christmas Eve/morning tradition with your ex.

Which absolutely sucks for you, but I do believe it's important for the child. Maybe that's just because that's the way I view Christmas - it's about traditions and rituals, it's predictable, you create things that you can look forward to. Not presents and stuff like that - all the moments in between.

I co-parent very well with my son's father, but he has always spent Christmas with me. When we tried to split it more evenly, our son was so miserable, in the run up to Christmas and on the day. He loves his Dad - but Dad's house and Dad's routines weren't Christmas to him.

I would build your own traditions, rituals and things to look forward to with your child, from lunchtime on Christmas Day.

Your and your ex sound like you are really bossing co-parenting though. Is it possible you could spend Christmas morning together? If I had lived closer to my son's father, we would totally have done that.

I am a separated parent and share care with ex DH. My children have had Christmas morning with me every year. It’s their choice, it’s their Christmas and their childhoods. I don’t dictate where they go and insist they alternate because we are adults and we want to spend it with them, our feelings and wants do not trump their childhood. I’m not dragging my children away from their home because it would make me or their dad happy. Luckily exDH agrees with this and is happy with the arrangement and I regularly check with the kids in the lead up that they are happy with it.

we both still get the opportunity to spend lots of time with the children and make our own traditions and memories.

Exdh does Santa at his house as well, the kids just get a second Christmas morning and the excitement is still there for them. They don’t care that it’s not on 25th December.

Whatever you do, do not ask a 7yo to chose between their parents. Not even for a Christmas morning. It doesn't matter how carefully you frame the question. You are burdening them with a decision that they shouldn't have to make. Asking a child to choose is never a neutral act. It is an abdication of responsibility by the adults involved.

DO NOT ASK THE CHILD

As a child of divorced parents, the worst thing ever is being put in a position to choose between them. It ends up being nothing about what you want, and all about a careful calculation of how to avoid hurting anyone.

Whereas any arrangement which is informed without drama or emotional load will work for the child.

Another one that doesn't understand splitting Christmas day, alternative Christmas with each parent works so much better. You can also celebrate before and or after.

Definitely don’t ask the child.
I do think it would be fair for your dd to come to you this year but worry you are ‘competing’ with step siblings in a family environment in the old family home.

I think I would push the boat out if possible to make it special in a different way.

Why not offer the compromise that if she wants DD there at her house, you will go early doors and be there early to watch her open her presents, you'll have breakfast with them and then take DD back to yours. You say you haven't remarried so no other children or partner to facilitate.

In your ex's shoes, whilst uncomfortable, I'd suck it up for the sake of my DD in what may be a last believer Christmas over not having any of the morning magic at all.

That's what my cousin and his partner do and did. Then they all, Ex partner, New partner, Ex's new partner and kids etc. all go over to my Aunt's for a massive Christmas dinner. It's very blended, more the merrier style.

Another family from school do this - Ex wife and new wife coparent together brilliantly and even sit together at the school plays, even without mutual ex, which everyone is absolutely in awe of. Ex wife says they split before they started hating each other and just because new partner is living with her Ex, doesn't mean she doesn't recognise that actually, new partners Ex is the type of person she likes and is grateful for in her kids life.

But he's not happy with this arrangement and he hasn't agreed to it with his ex. Boxing day is not the same as xmas day and in many ways is less, that's why your husbands ex wanted Xmas day and not boxing day.