AIBU to want Christmas morning with my child this year?

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Sorry if this is long. The background to this is that my ex and I mutually agreed to split when DD7 was 2 and a half because it just wasn't working. Since then, we've shared care of our DD on a largely fixed weekly schedule. My ex has remarried, I have not.

Under the normal arrangement, our child is with my ex for the first part of the week, with me for part of Tuesday, then back with my ex until Thursday afternoon. I then have her from Thursday afternoon until Saturday evening, after which she goes back to my ex. I know it's not an equal arrangement, but at the time that we made it, it seemed a reasonable balance for a young child; the maintenance also has also allowed my ex to stay in the family home without downsizing, which I think has been better for my daughter.

Generally we co-parent well, and support each other by swapping days throughout the year if someone wants to go away for something, or take DD somewhere special. DD is happy and well-adjusted, and she does a lot of activities, so we often need to be flexible about performances, end of year showcases, etc. We also arrange holiday splits so that we can minimise travel when we take our daughter to see her grandparents in various countries in Europe.

Christmas Day this year falls squarely within my normal parenting time.
In previous years, DD has always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my ex, and I have had her from Christmas afternoon for a few days. My ex has always been cooperative about making sure I see her on Christmas Day, which I appreciate.

This year, because Christmas falls during my normal time, I suggested that DD spends Christmas morning with just me for the first time, then goes to my ex around lunchtime/early afternoon and stays there for the next few days. I thought this was a fair way of reversing the previous arrangement while still making sure we both got a substantial part of Christmas Day.

My ex has said she doesn't think the Christmas morning arrangement should change because DD is used to going to a Christmas Eve service with her and then waking up at her house, and she says that maintaining this routine is in our child's best interests because it provides predictability and stability.

She has proposed keeping the same Christmas arrangement as previous years: DD stays with her through Christmas morning, then comes to me on Christmas afternoon for a few days.

For context, over the Christmas holidays we normally depart from the weekly schedule anyway and arrange longer blocks with each parent, partly so that both households have the opportunity to go away.

I can see the argument that Christmas traditions and predictability matter to children. At the same time, I don't think “stability” necessarily means that one parent should always have Christmas morning indefinitely, particularly when Christmas falls within the other parent's normal time, and I feel that me always being the secondary parent will send the wrong message to my daughter.

I also suggested that our child could still go to the Christmas Eve service with my ex as usual, then I could collect her afterwards so she wakes up with me on Christmas morning, before returning to my ex later that day.

AIBU to think that, after several years of Christmas morning always being with my ex, it is reasonable for me to have Christmas morning with DD this year and for us either to alternate it in future or let the normal schedule determine it? BTW, we have the same issue with Easter, with my ex insisting that DD is with her on Easter morning each year - fair enough it's her day, but I think it would be better for my daughter to alternate this so that she can go somewhere on holiday with each of us, rather than needing to swap between parents so often.

It's the beginning of October, hardly short notice for Christmas arrangements. It's also not a "bombshell" of any description. I'm sure OP's DD does love Christmas, but there's no reason to think a 7yo would be so attached to a particular routine that they consider it a "tradition".

OP, I think it's great that DD sees you and your ex every Christmas period. I think it's very reasonable for you to want some Christmas mornings.

Let your daughter decide. She is old enough to have an opinion.

We have a child in our family where the parents aren't together and it has always alternated where the child sleeps Xmas eve, and then the child goes to the other side of the family at around lunchtime and sleeps there Xmas night. They very much now state where they want to be at Christmas and what they want to do.

Had to laugh one year, we had literally walked through the door from watching a fireworks display on bonfire night and as soon as everyone had sat down they announced "so... Christmas" and looked expectantly at us all. This was a cue to ask what they wanted to do (a similar age to your DD), and this was facilitated with the agreement of both parents.

OP, It sounds like you and DD's DM have a good coparenting relationship, which is important to maintain. That doesn't mean you should never press for something that matters a lot to you, and potentially DD in the long run. Just as 'traditions' can be lovely for children, so also spending certain special time with each parent can. My DCs were little when I divorced. My Ex and I were both in the Royal Navy throughout their childhoods. We alternated Christmases, with many exceptions due to deployment and duties, exotic holidays and other things too. My DCs still have nostalgic recollections of their typical Christmas with me at my DP's house as well as the holidays and times at their Dad's. Only you and your Ex can dicide what's best together, but YANBU to want this.

It's your day, stand your ground you want to be able to create ,share & enjoy the magic with her as well before she stops believing

That poor child. Being dragged from pillar to post on Christmas Day. This should be all about what the child wants to do. Does she mind having to leave behind all her new toys on Christmas Day? Does she have other half-siblings she’d like to stay with? Is she being taken from her mum and dad’s house where there are other children and fun, to just OP in a quiet house? Ask DD what she’d like to do.

Several PPs are advising you to let your 7yo DD decide. I advise against this.

It's good to take a child's freely expressed wishes into account. But unless DD has casually and freely expressed her wishes already, you don't know them.

If you sit her down and ask her, it burdens her with the rejection of one parent, even if neither of you see it that way. It could also invite her to believe she can play coparents off against each other in future.

Make the decision between you - the adults - and present it to her as a non-negotiable but good thing in unison.

What would make you think there are or aren't siblings or toys at either home?

Saying that poor child about a child who appears to have 2 very loving parents is just nasty. My parents where together and I still got taken from “pillar to post” and absolutely loved it! I’m sure the child is fine 🙄

Does your ex make more of Christmas? I do and if I separated from my DH I would want my kids to be with me because he isn’t big on the fun and jumping out of bed as soon as the kids wake up and running downstairs, whereas I am. What would your daughter enjoy most?

but the child will likely want what they are used to - which instantly makes the ex having her for the first 5 yrs of the split, unfair. The child has been manipulated to want a certain arrangement because she knows nothing else.
The child shouldn’t get to choose in this situation, it’s up to parents to do what’s best. And what’s best is splitting the Xmas morning fairly.

Have either of you thought of asking your child what they would like to do?

I was forced to split my Christmas up as a child, alternating from 12pm Christmas eve and Christmas morning, then switching house at 12pm until 12pm boxing day. It was exactly evenly fair for my parents who got exactly 24 hours of the Christmas period with us.

It was also completely shit for me and my sister who weren't able to relax and settle into Christmas at all. Splitting something in half so it's fair for adults is a selfish concept.

How many threads do we have on here of adults resenting their alternating yearly visits to family/wanting to spend Christmas in their own home but worrying about offending family/in laws etc etc etc. Most adults hate the charging about over Christmas - why would a 7 year old be any different.

It should be alternating or depending on whose day it falls so it is exactly the same year in year out. I get that it’s a tradition but I do think it’s healthy to change it slightly otherwise it could be more damaging when your daughter is older when the arrangements may have to change.

This is tricky. I get you would like to experience your child waking up on Christmas morning seeing their joy and delight after Father Christmas has come at this age and there won’t be many more years of that.

Equally you do get to see your child on Christmas Day and that is how many of my separated friends have done it but they stay with the MUM Christmas Eve have Christmas morning and then sometime in the afternoon go to the DAD and then do similar for Boxing Day

so some do the alternate Christmas and New Year so whoever has Christmas Eve the other parent has New Year’s Eve and then they swap but again both parents were still see their child Christmas Day just one will be morning one will be evening

Do not ask your daughter where she would prefer because at this age she will find it very hard to decide and not to hurt the other parent and it is as someone put a burden upon their shoulders

To be honest I don’t know what is the fair way I am recently separated but my daughter’s dad wouldn’t do any of the Christmas stuff and fun that I do and equally my daughter doesn’t want to stay at his neither is she allowed to due to safeguarding

But I get that Christmas Day is important so for the moment we have spent it together I do this for our daughter sake

Your ex thinks that she should get Christmas morning, the most magical moment of the year, with your child every single year... Because it's tradition. No. That's unfair.

You've written an essay about what the two adults in the situation want and what's fair to them. Respectfully, who gives a shit? The only thing that is of any relevance here is what your daughter wants to do, so it's time for a conversation with your ex about how you're going to involve your daughter in the decision-making process in a totally neutral, non-guilt tripping way.

Your Ex is being incredibly selfish and saving the best and last special time for a parent - for herself. This isn’t about routine (it’s one day in a year, I’m fairly certain your daughter will adapt). It’s important she builds memories from her time with you too.

I would heavily be pushing back and alternating it year on year until your child can voice their own opinion.

Agree - it’s rubbish for the parents - but they sound like they generally co parent really well and clearly have two loving parents. That’s one lucky child.

I’m recently divorced and both the mediator and solicitor said that the expectation is that events such as Christmas and Birthdays are alternated. Mine are older than yours and so we’ve decided that one parent has them from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day and this will be alternated. The kids have always said they don’t want to travel on Christmas Day and family is spread out so that’s why we’ve gone with this.

7 is too young to ask her what she wants. She (and you) deserve a chance of Christmas morning together. Her Mum is being selfish here. Could you incorporate some of their traditions though? Such as a Christmas Eve service.

This was my thought too but also totally see where you’re coming from.

I think your ex is right in the sense that your child is used to a certain routine on Christmas Day - but if she’s stil only 7, your Christmas traditions are still in the process of being created. They are not set in stone.

You absolutely have the right to the magical Christmas morning with your daughter and she has the right to experience that with you!

If you never changed anything and then in 5 years time tried to switch it up, sure, it might be weird for her. But if you do it now she will take it in her stride and be absolutely fine. It’ll be exciting and different and she still gets to see both parents on Christmas Day. Personally I think you should have a very particular routine for Christmas that you alternate year on year - it’s not really fair that you haven’t had Christmas morning with her since she was 2.

I think personally you have miscommunicated this poorly to your ex. Christmas doesn't fall squarely on your time because Christmas should be a shared time that falls out of normal routine and gets alternated. If your using the argument that its your weekend then I can see why you are getting push back and it's just going to cause arguments in the future when Christmas falls on what would be her weekend.

It would be more reasonable to suggest an alternating routine that falls out of line with normal routine that you can stick to every year. I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting Christmas morning but I think you are for using Christmas as your time.

So a few things going on here . Are you still happy with the present arrangements ? I understand why at 2 the arrangement was as it was but now she is 7 ?
Christmas - I would like to see my daughter open her presents on Christmas Day , this will be the first time for us ( you and daughter) being together and it falls in my time . So this year we will be making our own traditions.

I agree. There’s a lot of projection here from obviously mothers who think they’re the only true parent. Everyone came to us for Christmas but I would have loved to go to different houses on the same day and experience different ways of celebrating.

I’m a mother too but I still think both parents should have the opportunity of creating Christmas morning memories. I’m sure the daughter will love your traditions as well as her mother’s when she looks back on her childhood. Stick to your guns OP. And for those saying the OP can do it on a different day, well so can the mum!

Oh for goodness sake. We had Christmas in Dubai one year and our children weren’t distraught about it. We just told them that Santa knew where they were. Which will make sense because all the movies show Santa finding the child all over the world wherever they are. They also didn’t fret about following different traditions and have fond memories of that Christmas.

Honestly I don’t think children are that fragile that they’ll break if the Elf in the shelf isn’t there one morning. As long as both parents make an effort to make it magical that’s all that matters. Your ex treating her like her personal property and not wanting her to be equally happy with her other parent (they sense that for sure) will do far more damage.