AIBU to want Christmas morning with my child this year?

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Sorry if this is long. The background to this is that my ex and I mutually agreed to split when DD7 was 2 and a half because it just wasn't working. Since then, we've shared care of our DD on a largely fixed weekly schedule. My ex has remarried, I have not.

Under the normal arrangement, our child is with my ex for the first part of the week, with me for part of Tuesday, then back with my ex until Thursday afternoon. I then have her from Thursday afternoon until Saturday evening, after which she goes back to my ex. I know it's not an equal arrangement, but at the time that we made it, it seemed a reasonable balance for a young child; the maintenance also has also allowed my ex to stay in the family home without downsizing, which I think has been better for my daughter.

Generally we co-parent well, and support each other by swapping days throughout the year if someone wants to go away for something, or take DD somewhere special. DD is happy and well-adjusted, and she does a lot of activities, so we often need to be flexible about performances, end of year showcases, etc. We also arrange holiday splits so that we can minimise travel when we take our daughter to see her grandparents in various countries in Europe.

Christmas Day this year falls squarely within my normal parenting time.
In previous years, DD has always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my ex, and I have had her from Christmas afternoon for a few days. My ex has always been cooperative about making sure I see her on Christmas Day, which I appreciate.

This year, because Christmas falls during my normal time, I suggested that DD spends Christmas morning with just me for the first time, then goes to my ex around lunchtime/early afternoon and stays there for the next few days. I thought this was a fair way of reversing the previous arrangement while still making sure we both got a substantial part of Christmas Day.

My ex has said she doesn't think the Christmas morning arrangement should change because DD is used to going to a Christmas Eve service with her and then waking up at her house, and she says that maintaining this routine is in our child's best interests because it provides predictability and stability.

She has proposed keeping the same Christmas arrangement as previous years: DD stays with her through Christmas morning, then comes to me on Christmas afternoon for a few days.

For context, over the Christmas holidays we normally depart from the weekly schedule anyway and arrange longer blocks with each parent, partly so that both households have the opportunity to go away.

I can see the argument that Christmas traditions and predictability matter to children. At the same time, I don't think “stability” necessarily means that one parent should always have Christmas morning indefinitely, particularly when Christmas falls within the other parent's normal time, and I feel that me always being the secondary parent will send the wrong message to my daughter.

I also suggested that our child could still go to the Christmas Eve service with my ex as usual, then I could collect her afterwards so she wakes up with me on Christmas morning, before returning to my ex later that day.

AIBU to think that, after several years of Christmas morning always being with my ex, it is reasonable for me to have Christmas morning with DD this year and for us either to alternate it in future or let the normal schedule determine it? BTW, we have the same issue with Easter, with my ex insisting that DD is with her on Easter morning each year - fair enough it's her day, but I think it would be better for my daughter to alternate this so that she can go somewhere on holiday with each of us, rather than needing to swap between parents so often.

She's being selfish. She wants xmas morning for herself not predictability for your child.

The majority of co parents alternate Christmas day.

When my parents split my mum was never fussed about having us for Xmas so we always went to my dads. Adds an extra layer of questionable self worth.

Stick to your guns. Your child can build different traditions with you for Christmas, otherwise you will never have Christmas morning with her.

Based solely on what you have said here, you are not being unreasonable. Traditions and routines are important to children but those do change as children age. It is important for your DD to have Christmas with each of you. A court would be very likely to alternate Christmas/Easter etc. but hopefully it won't come to that but if needed you can apply for a specific issue order.

She’s 7 does she not get an opinion?

I had the same thought as your ex about Christmas traditions, etc. but my barrister told me it wouldn’t wash in court.

I also try to think about how I’d feel being the parent never having Christmas morning.

I think you should point the latter out to your ex and trial it this year. DD will have more of a say when she’s older.

My DH and his ex agreed to keep Christmas the same every year.
So the kids were with Mum, Christmas eve and Christmas day until tea time. So Boxing Day become their day with Dad.
If you don't think of it as lesser, then it isn't. Everyone was happy with this arrangement

Why can’t the child make traditions with her other parent? Why can’t the tradition be they alternate Christmas each year? Why does one parent and their traditions take priority over the other parent?

Are you both from countries that celebrate christmas in the 25th? You mention you are both from other European countries and most celebrate on the 24th or in Jan. In that case it would make more sense that one of you get 24th and the other 25th or 25th and Jan 7th as you can celebrate with your own tradition on whatever date it is celebrated in tour home country and then according to UK tradition on the 25th.

Should be alternated regardless of what days your usual care falls on - that’s what I do with my ex or indeed did do and suggested to him each year.

He however would prefer to go to the pub every Christmas Eve and get bladdered and the kids are barely an afterthought on Christmas morning, so now I have them Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning every year. His loss.

I used to send them to his with their little Christmas Eve boxes too but I am done with covering up his poor parenting.

Hes the same on New Years despite me giving him open access to have them.

What would DD like to do?

What does your daughter want to do?
I bet it will be to continue as normal and not want to be caught in the middle of a push and pull pass the parcel. If you’re not religious then there is no reason why you can’t celebrate and do Santa etc on another day - I would much much prefer to wake up in my usual home and do my usual traditions.

my friends brother never has his kids on Xmas day but always has them from Boxing Day to new year. This is their precious family tradition that she, her brother and most importantly the kids really value. Why fight to muddle this up.

i think you’re placing your own needs above your daughters.

I also think it’s quite short notice for you to drop this bombshell on them why not start with 2027 if you really must insist on changing their traditions that they love

Of course it's your turn OP. It's completely unfair for one parent to always have Christmas morning.

Why should a child be sent to live half her live in another home and have no home base. When this parent doesn’t even want that. He just wants the fun special time. Once a year.

Unfair to the parents or to the child,
there is very little that is unfair about coparenting but if one parent does the bulk of the ‘work’ of school runs etc all year I don’t mind them being happier and having more magic on one day of the year.

from a child’s perspective they have far less awareness of calendars than the parents do and the Xmas day is only as ‘real’ as the effort the parents put in to make it magic. There is no reason why op can’t do a Xmas morning and a visit from Santa on the weekend before - his dd would love it- and then she’d still get to enjoy her nativity etc

Good news is there’s nothing actually tying traditions to a specific calendar date. All of those traditions can also be done on Boxing Day without any harm to anyone.

I'd unpick why you are so bothered?

You could do Santa on boxing day. You could make boxing day intk Christmas day.

In the same vein so could your ex.

Would it be possible for you to attend the Christmas service too? That might be lovely for your little girl.

Aside from that - I see your point of view, but I also see your ex’s point of view. It would break my heart not to see my ds7 on Christmas morning. I know it’s the season of goodwill but I couldn’t easily bring myself to agree to hand him over on Christmas Eve! Christmas follows a script and it just feels all kinds of wrong when the script isn’t followed.

It’s too bad you didn’t settle this when you split up.

I definitely think Christmas Day should be alternated. I’m so sad for you that you’ve missed so many Christmas mornings already.

People I know who have separated always alternate the big occasions. Usually it’s mandated by the custody agreement.

Poor child. Shame people don't stay together more.

Probably crib service which is afternoon.

Usually I agree with 'it's my day so I have the child'. However, at 7 your DD likely still believes, and the Christmas traditions and expectations from her are well formed around how she experiences christmas at her other parents house. I personally feel that as this is the way its been since she was young, it might be in her interests to maintain this until she no longer believes.

I say this as a child of divorce, who spent Christmas morning at mums until aged 10, and Christmas afternoon/evening at dad's. Mum made Christmas eve/morning so incredible magical, I'd have been gutted to have that taken away. Dad made the afternoon/meal/evening games so much fun. It really was the best of both worlds.

Would that honestly be in the best interest of the child? Or is it just to validate the parent? That can be exhausting for a child. I would have hated to even go to two different houses on Christmas Day. It's not just logistics, it's having to change your mindset and understanding of rules for each house. What a tiring thing to have to do just to please each parent. I would even go so far as to let the Mother have her for the whole of Christmas day, then the other parent can have their own Christmas day on Boxing Day or whenever. I am assuming you are the Father.

Given her age, this could be her last year of believing. I don’t think I’d want to change things in a hurry this year or next. You’d be doing it for you, not her.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable wanting to spend Christmas morning with your child, it’s absolutely magical at her age and I definitely think you should pursue this - however, your child seems to have a lot of chopping and changing in her schedule that doesn’t have much of a foundation as it is so flexible and easy to swap and change.

I would also address this, I don’t agree with the above comment that 50/50 is for selfish parents at all, 50/50 with two parents that adore a child is the least selfish act. Two homes, full of love, two safe spaces, blended isn’t broken. You do have to make a conscious effort to ensure your home is your child’s home too.

I personally would address the whole situation as from now on, mum has her Sunday-Wednesday, you pick her up from school Wednesday and drop her back to mum on Saturday evening.

Christmas/Easter and everything else should be whoever has her on those days with a side note of the other person being able to collect her for the afternoon of, and overnight if agreed, and then return her to the current scheduled parent.

I am curious as to how you manage her birthday currently? Whether it’s much like Christmas or if you have a different plan.

edited to add - also ask yourself, does mum make Christmas morning particularly magical? Does the Easter bunny visit at Easter? I know personally that every holiday has its own magical touch here, maybe mum needs to know you’re willing to keep that alive. It’s a hard thing to let go of as mum.