To think it’s not normal……

[InLawTwats]

……… that DH’s parents will ring every few days to tell him who they know that has died (he rarely has a clue who they are talking about), about every other member of the family and their pets, the price of eggs, cars they owned in the dim and distant past, a new kind of weed they’ve found growing in the lawn, the middle aisle of Aldi/Lidl, about “small boats” and political shenanigans but they have never, ever, in almost 16 years, asked how their eldest grandchild is?

It’s her birthday this week and they act as though she doesn’t exist (but moan when DH visits them without her that they miss her. They live several hours away so DH doesn’t visit much.). She’ll get no card or present, no call or message on the day. Her cousins live near them and get all of the normal attention.

I am raging for her, but moreso because DH enables it. If I ask what they said about her passing exams or passing grades in her extra curriculars he will make a point of telling them all about it VERY PERFORMATIVELY during the next call. There is rarely any reaction before they are back onto whatever the Daily Mail has them frothing over.

Arseholes.

I mean your name sums it up. I'd divorce just to not have to deal with them personally (or hope that they peace out soon).

He knows they’re shit grandparents and doesn’t want to address it.

Sounds frustrating!!! maybe they’re lonely?

although that can’t explain the birthday forgetfulness

you have my sympathies OP!

Are they Irish? Ringing each other to say who is dead is normal here, we have a website especially for this. But other than that they should be wishing happy birthday to their grandchild .

I think after 16 years I’d have given up on bothering to remind him to tell them. He can either bring it up himself or not tell them. They clearly aren’t interested and it’s very much an out of sight out of mind situation.
I have a grandparent like this, wasn’t close growing up, we lived 3 hours away and maybe saw them once every other year but they were really close to their more local grandchildren.
All that’s happened is I’m just not close to them now. No ill will, no drama, just not people I choose to share my life with and it’s all fine.
Im sorry this is still bothering you so much but you’re only winding yourself up by getting het up about it really. 💐

I know someone that does this and it’s about really distant stuff like her dead Mums cousins brother in laws dogs vet died. She is a bit like Uncle Colum out of Derry Girls but she is a nice person, not Irish.

I have to admit that as my dad got older, so many conversations went like this
‘do you remember Henry jones?’
’I can’t say I do?’
’Lived in the house with a green door, had a black and white cat?’
’oh?’
’he died.’

And then yes you get the ‘I was getting the bus to X town on Tuesday. No hang on, it may have been Thursday. Yes, it must have been Tuesday because I’d put the bins out.’ commentary, the long detailed exchanges of conversations with random people (so rather than ‘I saw your old friend Maddie in Sainsbury’s and she’s having a baby’ you get something like ‘I was in Sainsbury’s with Anne and she said ‘let’s get a coffee from the cafe.’
and I said ‘ok then.’
and she says ‘look, that woman’s waving at you,’
and I said ‘is she? I don’t know her.’
and she said ‘are you sure?’
and I said ‘yes.’
so we bought our coffees and I went over to this woman and I said ‘I’m ever so sorry love, are you waving at me?’
and she said ‘yes, but you probably don’t recognise me, it’s maddie watkins, although I’m maddie daniels now. Do you remember I was at school with your daughter?’
and I said ‘oh yes of course I’m ever so sorry!’
and she said ‘it’s fine, I look different I expect!’
and I said ‘so how are you?’
and she said ‘oh I’m great, having a baby in February!’

arrggghhh

i know, NAOP etc but it is maddening.

I’ve put in 25 years. I’m waiting for the payout.

Not Irish.

My only grandparents were a 5 hour drive away and I couldn’t have been closer to them. They aren’t poor or incapable. They’re just selfish arseholes.

He’s just come down and regaled us with an amazing tale of “guess what”. Someone we don’t know who lives very near them and sort of knows DH’s brother’s auntie used to teach DH’s 15th cousin 7 times removed. I mean, what are the odds when both families have never left their village?!

And now he is acting butt hurt because it wasn’t the incredible revelation he thought it was.

it’s not like they are long lost twins brought up on different continents.

My mother is the same, more interested in village gossip and who’s died than her 15 year old granddaughter.

My parents are constantly ringing to tell us of the deaths of people we don’t know. It’ll be the brother of the man who tiled their bathroom fifteen years ago or similar.

That said, they always call and send gifts for their grandchildren’s birthdays. It would be that second part that would upset me, which I would say is very much not normal.

To be fair, if that was actually true it would be remarkable as that would mean someone either 7 generations younger or 7 generations older than your DH is currently alive or within living memory.

My in-laws were like that. Walk into their house after we've bought a new house, changed jobs, had a life saving surgery, been to the moon ... and they just carry on watching University Challenge. The talk then follows about the weather, any random point in history or the new menu in the local Chinese.
It seemed like it was rude to talk about anything personal to the people present.
I never did warm to them. Some people just know no different, that's the way they are

I thought exactly the same.

I remember my granny (in Ireland) writing letters to my mother (in England) giving her the latest news back home. The first page would be about nice things followed by page upon page of RIPs.

I was just a child at the time and couldn’t believe that she knew so many people and that they all happened to die since she last wrote!

She also asked about her grandchildren though.

He’s turning into them if he thought that was news! 😬

Completely living within their own bubble!

Its a standing joke in our family that whenever i start to mention anyone they vaguely know one of my sons says “shes dead you know” that and the fact i told them i thought the neighbours cat must have died because i hadn't seen her for ages then she turned up the next day.

If they are close to the other grandchildren, something is going on here. Have you or DH asked them why they don't buy DD presents or ask after her?

I really dislike the phrase ‘butt hurt’ .

It’s the main content of my parents’ phone calls. But they also spoil DS rotten.

How can he 'address it'? They are either interested in their grandchild or they're not. Telling them off and demanding they step up in their role isnt going to work. So he has only two options. Decide its so upsetting he doesn't want to bother with them at all, or accept it and continue as he is. He's obviously chosen the latter.
OP can make her own choice separately and need have nothing to do with them herself if she chooses.

Well just be great full it’s a phone call and not a visit.

my dear relative feels the need to fill Short empty silences. Sort of just nip to the fridge to get the milk silences. He tells random short stories that have no meaning to the one before or the one that’s coming and are boring. Although I must’ve admit he doesn’t talk about dead people.😀