Well, it's a bit late really, but I'm feeling bad about it.
A few years back when I was single I moved to a town where I didn't know anybody. I managed to make a few friends from some local groups. One guy was super friendly and I think had a crush on me. I was very clear in my behaviour that I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship, and he got the message. He wasn't creepy or anything. We just stayed friends.
A couple of years later I moved back to my hometown. I met someone and had kids. I stayed friends with the other guy. This in itself wasn't an issue. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender. It's fine.
Anyway, this guy (I'll call him Andy) visited with a few other friends from my old town. It seems relevant to say at this point that Andy is very obviously neurodivergent in some way. It is obvious as soon as you meet him. He is very awkward, sometimes doesn't get social cues, can be inappropriate, has an unusual gait, even some very mild facial differences/expressions. For this reason, he can get people's backs up. I believe that he's ultimately well meaning. He isn't creepy, and he's managed to make a lot of friends over time. But he can do things that seem socially surprising and he doesn't have much filter and he's young for his age.
He upset DH by lying across the sofa so DH didn't have anywhere to sit. We'd all had a bit to drink by that point. My bad, as in the moment I didn't realise it was upsetting DH (I am also mildly ND - definitely not as bad as Andy). I thought everyone was just kind of messing around. DH was laughing too. In the end DH sat on him. Later, DH was annoyed at me for not saying something to Andy. I was shocked at first because I'd genuinely thought they were just messing around. Now I feel bad about it.
Another time, Andy upset DH at an event. I was also uncomfortable at this event. Andy was drunk and he put his arm around my shoulders while we were standing next to each other. This did make me feel uncomfortable as I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do think Andy was just doing it in a mate-y kind of way, the way friends just put their arms round each others' shoulders sometimes. So, I didn't want to make a thing about it and I didn't say anything. This upset DH as he said it was disrespectful to him. I still am not sure how I should best have handled that. Andy also upset a few other of my friends at that event by being generally a bit outspoken.
I didn't see Andy for ages after that, which seemed for the best. He's reached out a couple of times and I've been vague. But he just recently invited me to an event and wanted to catch up. I know how DH feels about him now (and our mutual friends all agree) and honestly it's been a bit of a sore point which I've found stressful, and so I thought I should just set a final boundary because I couldn't keep pussyfooting around forever. I tried to send the most gentle message I could saying I was sorry but I couldn't catch up, there had been a couple of things that had upset DH even though I hadn't realised at the time, but I wished him all the best. I tried to find a balance between being supportive of DH while also being kind to Andy because in my personal opinion he truly didn't mean any harm.
Anyway he replied basically saying he was confused and had no idea what that was about (I believe him, I think he has no clue anyone was upset) but that he understood.
I feel really bad. I don't know. I can't do anything differently now. I really couldn't keep being friends with him because it would have made my family life quite unpleasant but I also don't think I could keep fobbing him off with excuses.