AIBU in how I ended this friendship

[Galexia]

Well, it's a bit late really, but I'm feeling bad about it.

A few years back when I was single I moved to a town where I didn't know anybody. I managed to make a few friends from some local groups. One guy was super friendly and I think had a crush on me. I was very clear in my behaviour that I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship, and he got the message. He wasn't creepy or anything. We just stayed friends.

A couple of years later I moved back to my hometown. I met someone and had kids. I stayed friends with the other guy. This in itself wasn't an issue. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender. It's fine.

Anyway, this guy (I'll call him Andy) visited with a few other friends from my old town. It seems relevant to say at this point that Andy is very obviously neurodivergent in some way. It is obvious as soon as you meet him. He is very awkward, sometimes doesn't get social cues, can be inappropriate, has an unusual gait, even some very mild facial differences/expressions. For this reason, he can get people's backs up. I believe that he's ultimately well meaning. He isn't creepy, and he's managed to make a lot of friends over time. But he can do things that seem socially surprising and he doesn't have much filter and he's young for his age.

He upset DH by lying across the sofa so DH didn't have anywhere to sit. We'd all had a bit to drink by that point. My bad, as in the moment I didn't realise it was upsetting DH (I am also mildly ND - definitely not as bad as Andy). I thought everyone was just kind of messing around. DH was laughing too. In the end DH sat on him. Later, DH was annoyed at me for not saying something to Andy. I was shocked at first because I'd genuinely thought they were just messing around. Now I feel bad about it.

Another time, Andy upset DH at an event. I was also uncomfortable at this event. Andy was drunk and he put his arm around my shoulders while we were standing next to each other. This did make me feel uncomfortable as I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do think Andy was just doing it in a mate-y kind of way, the way friends just put their arms round each others' shoulders sometimes. So, I didn't want to make a thing about it and I didn't say anything. This upset DH as he said it was disrespectful to him. I still am not sure how I should best have handled that. Andy also upset a few other of my friends at that event by being generally a bit outspoken.

I didn't see Andy for ages after that, which seemed for the best. He's reached out a couple of times and I've been vague. But he just recently invited me to an event and wanted to catch up. I know how DH feels about him now (and our mutual friends all agree) and honestly it's been a bit of a sore point which I've found stressful, and so I thought I should just set a final boundary because I couldn't keep pussyfooting around forever. I tried to send the most gentle message I could saying I was sorry but I couldn't catch up, there had been a couple of things that had upset DH even though I hadn't realised at the time, but I wished him all the best. I tried to find a balance between being supportive of DH while also being kind to Andy because in my personal opinion he truly didn't mean any harm.

Anyway he replied basically saying he was confused and had no idea what that was about (I believe him, I think he has no clue anyone was upset) but that he understood.

I feel really bad. I don't know. I can't do anything differently now. I really couldn't keep being friends with him because it would have made my family life quite unpleasant but I also don't think I could keep fobbing him off with excuses.

I think its okay. You wasn't unpleasant.

It’s not clear whether you’re ending your friendship with Andy because you want to or because your DH wants you to.

If it’s the former, YANBU. You can end a friendship for any reason including if someone makes you feel uncomfortable. But if you’re ending the friendship because your DH got annoyed about Andy lying on the sofa and putting an arm around you, then it sounds like you have a DH problem. DH sounds insecure and controlling.

I think alot of men maintain 'friendships' with women that they want to be with. Spot the signs next time and cut it short.

Exactly. You can choose to end a friendship for any reason that means it's no longer working for you. Ending a friendship that you value because you're married to someone insecure and paranoid is another matter.

If it was just down to me, I wouldn't have ended the friendship. That said, it's not as though I felt Andy was a super close friend so I'm not destroyed over it or anything.

But yes I ended it because of how DH felt. And literally our mutual friends (3 other people, one a psychologist) agree that Andy is kind of a dick and was rude to DH. So it's not like it's just DH being insecure.

But are you ending it because you are unhappy with how your dh was treated or he was unhappy with how he was treated?

I wouldn't say Andy was being a dick, if he doesn't know social norms then it's not exactly his fault. Your dh shouldn't of made you end a friendship though.

Well, in retrospect I understand how DH feels about the sofa thing. If I'd met his friends and some girl was lying across a sofa not letting me sit down I'd have been bothered too. And I'd wonder why DH was friends with her.

So, if I'm going to be a supportive partner, I guess it makes sense to end the friendship.

He didn't. He doesn't even know I sent that message. But I just know how he'd have felt if I'd hung out with Andy again, and honestly that's a level of tension I don't need in my life. I honestly just want a calm, quiet, no-drama existence.

And literally our mutual friends (3 other people, one a psychologist) agree that Andy is kind of a dick and was rude to DH. So it's not like it's just DH being insecure.

Rude by lying on the sofa? As an outsider, it sounds like Andy was having a drink and messing around. I’ve often wanted to lie on the sofa when I’m at my friends and get a bit tired.

Are the mutual friends more yours and DH’s? In that case they would be more likely to take DH’s side than Andy’s.

I think it’s sad if your friendship has ended when you didn’t want it to.

So you liked your friend, but his neurodiversity annoyed your jealous DH and some other friends so you ditched ND friend as a result? Yeah I’d feel bad about that too if I were you. But you can’t change it, so just make sure there isn’t a pattern of DH deciding who you can be friends with.

It was pretty obvious that DH was just standing there though with nowhere to sit while everyone else was sitting down.

The mutual friends were my friends first! They're still more my friends than DH's. I see them solo, but he doesn't.

Might be better ditching the DH then as he’s the one with the problem causing tension. Your friend was just being himself

That is a difficult situation, but I can see why you feel bad.

It seems harsh to end a friendship over a couple of minor social awkward occurrences. But then friendships can end for no reason due to moving, work, life events.

What exactly do you regret? It sounds like you ended it nicely as possible. Did you feel pressured to break off the friendship because parts of your post imply it was due to your DH and other friends disliking him that you decided to end the friendship. Do you regret ending the friendship?

If so, it has only been a few years, you can always apologise to Andy if you want to and the boundary can be you don’t mix Andy with your other friends and family. That is so long as your DH trusts you and isn’t going to kick up a fuss.

I think it's fair enough that your DH finds him annoying/doesn't like him. But since you yourself don't think Andy did those things out of any kind of malice, it's a shame to end the friendship over it. Couldn't you have just stayed friends with him without your DH having to see him? Do you and DH tend to do all your socializing together and don't have separate friends?

So just that would be enough for you to tell your DH he has to end a friendship?

Acknowledging you might be bothered if the shoe were on the other foot does not meant that the solution of end the friendship is a reasonable one.

I can see your DH may have felt uncomfortable. Is it your house? He could have just said ‘budge up’ and sat down. You say your DH sat on Andy, that’s probably what Andy expected.

Anyway, you were there so you know better what happened.

Was there no option where you just meet up with Andy at events without DH?

Anyway, the friendship has ended now so best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Why on earth wouldn't your husband just say can you move please so I can sit down? It's so odd be didbt. And it's odd you've ended a friend ship over such minor things

I don't think you should take advice from your psychologist friend who thinks someone who is suspected to be neurodivergent is a 'dick' for such minor misdemeanours. As a professional who will have some idea of ND, they sound like the 'dick' to me, as does your husband for being so petty. I feel really sorry for Andy who must be baffled by the whole thing and is clearly forlorn, sounds like he's better off without the lot of you tbh but he probably doesn't feel that way.

He actually might have done?! And Andy just didn't move. I can't remember precisely, but I'm pretty sure he did say something to no avail, which he why he ended up sitting on him.

From what you have said, the two 'incidents' wouldn't have bothered you had it not been for your DH. Is he a jealous man by nature? Andy seems a little immature but so does your DH. Why didn't he tell Andy to move his legs?

You're making too big a deal out of a friend who lived so far away. You moved back to your hometown and met DH, married and had kids, I am assuming that is at least a three to four year gap before you saw each other again. The two of you are not bumping into each other at the school gate. Your 'I couldn't keep being friends with him as it would have made my family life unpleasant' is so melodramatic.

I do not get that either. You’re all drunk, chatting, Andy is lying on the sofa and your DH decides he wants to sit on the sofa. The normal thing is to say budge up, or give us a bit of room not stand there silently seething. Your DH made it awkward imho.

Out of interest, whose psychologist said Andy was being a dick? Yours or your DH’s?

Well, she didn't call him a dick, she just thought he had ulterior motives. Like, he was being rude to DH because he has a crush on me. They all are in agreement with that, and think that I just can't see it. They may be right, I literally have no clue. He also said something to upset our other mutual friend who is normally such a generous, easy-going guy.

Sounds like mean girl syndrome to me

I mean I couldn't have hung out with him, which is what he was after.

The incidents might have bothered me if it was the other way round. The sofa one would have. If I'd just met some of DH's friends for the first time and they were all sitting down except for me because one of them was blocking the sofa. I'd have felt a bit anxious and confused, probably.