AIBU in how I ended this friendship

[Galexia]

Well, it's a bit late really, but I'm feeling bad about it.

A few years back when I was single I moved to a town where I didn't know anybody. I managed to make a few friends from some local groups. One guy was super friendly and I think had a crush on me. I was very clear in my behaviour that I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship, and he got the message. He wasn't creepy or anything. We just stayed friends.

A couple of years later I moved back to my hometown. I met someone and had kids. I stayed friends with the other guy. This in itself wasn't an issue. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender. It's fine.

Anyway, this guy (I'll call him Andy) visited with a few other friends from my old town. It seems relevant to say at this point that Andy is very obviously neurodivergent in some way. It is obvious as soon as you meet him. He is very awkward, sometimes doesn't get social cues, can be inappropriate, has an unusual gait, even some very mild facial differences/expressions. For this reason, he can get people's backs up. I believe that he's ultimately well meaning. He isn't creepy, and he's managed to make a lot of friends over time. But he can do things that seem socially surprising and he doesn't have much filter and he's young for his age.

He upset DH by lying across the sofa so DH didn't have anywhere to sit. We'd all had a bit to drink by that point. My bad, as in the moment I didn't realise it was upsetting DH (I am also mildly ND - definitely not as bad as Andy). I thought everyone was just kind of messing around. DH was laughing too. In the end DH sat on him. Later, DH was annoyed at me for not saying something to Andy. I was shocked at first because I'd genuinely thought they were just messing around. Now I feel bad about it.

Another time, Andy upset DH at an event. I was also uncomfortable at this event. Andy was drunk and he put his arm around my shoulders while we were standing next to each other. This did make me feel uncomfortable as I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do think Andy was just doing it in a mate-y kind of way, the way friends just put their arms round each others' shoulders sometimes. So, I didn't want to make a thing about it and I didn't say anything. This upset DH as he said it was disrespectful to him. I still am not sure how I should best have handled that. Andy also upset a few other of my friends at that event by being generally a bit outspoken.

I didn't see Andy for ages after that, which seemed for the best. He's reached out a couple of times and I've been vague. But he just recently invited me to an event and wanted to catch up. I know how DH feels about him now (and our mutual friends all agree) and honestly it's been a bit of a sore point which I've found stressful, and so I thought I should just set a final boundary because I couldn't keep pussyfooting around forever. I tried to send the most gentle message I could saying I was sorry but I couldn't catch up, there had been a couple of things that had upset DH even though I hadn't realised at the time, but I wished him all the best. I tried to find a balance between being supportive of DH while also being kind to Andy because in my personal opinion he truly didn't mean any harm.

Anyway he replied basically saying he was confused and had no idea what that was about (I believe him, I think he has no clue anyone was upset) but that he understood.

I feel really bad. I don't know. I can't do anything differently now. I really couldn't keep being friends with him because it would have made my family life quite unpleasant but I also don't think I could keep fobbing him off with excuses.

Have either you or Andy been diagnosed with anything? If not then you are the dick for claiming he’s probably ND and you think you are a bit ND which is not a thing that you can just decide to self diagnose!

Well, quite, I didn't want to keep being vague. I also didn't want to suddenly raise the specific issues that had happened ages ago, though?! I think that would have been weird, to send him a message suddenly launching in great depth into past perceived slights.

Yes, I have been diagnosed on the NHS.

I have no idea if Andy has been diagnosed. I can't imagine he would seek diagnosis. But it is abundantly clear upon meeting him that there is some kind of neurodivergence. Or, if not that, some other genetic issue.

Was it just the thing with Andy putting his arm around you? When he's never ever flirted with you before? That made DH basically ban your relationship? I know what it's like when this type thing happens. But it must be a culmination over time.

It can be a part of coercion but often it's appropriate to say, 'look, I'm no longer comfortable with you and this person being mates. He's crossed too many lines. He's disrespected me and us as a couple.'

If he had a female counterpart I'm sure we'd mostly be saying it's reasonable that the partner would want the friendship to terminate. Or at least distance.

@Casualuser "I think alot of men maintain 'friendships' with women that they want to be with. Spot the signs next time and cut it short."

Basically this. He had and still has got a crush on the OP. Autistic or not, he's waiting for a chance and now he knows there is none.

I think posters are missing the point that it isn’t only your husband who doesn’t like Andy, your friends don’t as well. And tbh you sound as if you don’t like him much. Reframe it. Don’t think about it as ending the friendship because of how your husband feels, think of it as avoiding someone who is too tactile even though they know you don’t like it.

No one is missing it. We are not children who exclude people about mates don't like them

If I had asked Andy to remove his arm he would have and I think he'd have apologised and felt bad. I just didn't want to ask. I was being a doormat. It seemed like making something of nothing.

Ah I see, for future reference I find saying something like “sorry mate, I’m feeling really warm / hot right now” or “feeling overstimulated” helps, that’s putting the onus on you rather than them so it’s nothing for them to feel bad about.

But I am still worried about him as a human and want him to be ok.

Of course you do but unfortunately that’s out of your control, in my opinion you handled it well considering the circumstances which is all you could have done.

You say he has lots of friends though and also that you haven’t seen or spoken to each other in ages so fingers crossed it’s not affecting him to any big extent; definitely be careful not to overthink the situation.

Your friends are dicks too then 🤷

That is so good, just saying "oh sorry I find it a bit overstimulating to be touched sometimes". It sounds so much better than "I don't like being touched". And it's true! Why didn't I think of that?!

As far as I know, there was only the sofa incident and the arm around shoulders incident. But maybe there were other things I didn't see/notice.

Ultimately do you feel comfortable in your decision to step back from the friendship. While acknowledging it's heavily influenced by your DH?
You don't feel resentful or like you've been controlled? (I'm not saying you are, but it's your feelings that mean the most here, not Andy's or DH)

Well of course people shouldn’t pay any attention to their friends opinions when the opinions of random strangers who know none of the people involved are so readily available. What was I thinking????????

I don't really know. I do struggle with identifying my feelings sometimes, and definitely struggle with knowing if I've done the right thing. That's why I ask internet strangers...! But I guess I do feel that DH is overreacting in some ways. And I kind of think my friends don't fully get it either. Because none of them are ND maybe?? So Andy's behaviour is more outrageous to them than it is to me.

I wouldn't say I resent DH for ending the friendship, because Andy and I have had so little contact lately that from my point of view there wasn't much friendship there. But I suppose I do slightly resent what I see as him misjudging somebody who (imo) does not have ill intent.

Again, might be wrong on that! Andy might have had an ulterior motive all along. I could be naive.

I think your feelings on it are reasonable. It's conflicting. But all your friends and your DH agree you should swerve Andy. There's no smoke without fire. And you haven't said you miss his company. So yeah you've probably made the right decision. On this occasion.

This whole thread is so sad. As an mama to an ND child I always hoped he would find his grove one day and not still be the off kid left out. Saying that you are under no requirement to be friends with anyone. But this whole situation should be about how you feel about Andy .... And by the way I don't like being touched it perfectly valid you don't have to justify.
The only reason I am commenting is please make sure you have separate friends don't let your husband's friends creat an echo chamber for you because these things are so innoculous I can't even imagine my husband ever mentioning them. Your friend laid on the sofa ....I know what and idiot but honestly you sat on him what are you 15? This whole thread has read far worse about your husband than you and your ex friend.

I think you are being unreasonable and quite cruel to Andy.

Can I ask why you couldn’t have continued to meet with him away from your husband? There’s friends of my partner I don’t like and vice versa but we don’t stop seeing them because of that

I would have mentioned you felt uncomfortable with his arm around you and how he was an ass, didn’t sit up to let dh have a seat. So he'll know in future not to be so chummy and not be sprawling on somebody's furniture leaving somebody else seatless. And you're unhappy he annoyed dh and others that were there.
You put it all on your dh.

I think you handled this just fine. We can't know for sure if Andy harbours romantic feelings for you (and if he does he would never admit it) but if others perceive that he does, then you can't really continue the friendship because it's not respectful to your DH, and it creates at atmosphere of tension. It's not about Andy's social awkwardness, because that could be worked around in any other circumstance. You can't always "be kind" OP.

Sounds to me like Andy was marking his territory with you and DH feels that.

More like DH already marked it and doesn't approve of anyone else touching his property.

Eugh

Why either of you just ask Andy to move so that you can also sit, surely that's not difficult.

Why couldn't he just ask him to sit up or move so he could sit down? Why does it have to be this big dramatic event?

Unless there's more you're not sharing I really don't see how Andy is a dick based on the 2 examples you gave.

And as others have said you're ending the friendship based on what your DH and 3 other people said, but not what you think or feel.

Is the sitting issue really that big a deal? He lay on the sofa so DH couldn't sit and no one could open their mouths and say Andy move so he can sit down???

The hand on the shoulder isn't exactly that bad if as you said it was as friends but you're also allowed to have YOUR boundaries so if you don't like it speak up and tell him instead of keeping quiet then when you DH pushes you, you end the friendship.

Anyway you've ended the friendship so move on, my concern is you seem to be passive and a people pleaser who goes along with what others say or ask of you.