AIBU in how I ended this friendship

[Galexia]

Well, it's a bit late really, but I'm feeling bad about it.

A few years back when I was single I moved to a town where I didn't know anybody. I managed to make a few friends from some local groups. One guy was super friendly and I think had a crush on me. I was very clear in my behaviour that I wasn't interested in anything other than friendship, and he got the message. He wasn't creepy or anything. We just stayed friends.

A couple of years later I moved back to my hometown. I met someone and had kids. I stayed friends with the other guy. This in itself wasn't an issue. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender. It's fine.

Anyway, this guy (I'll call him Andy) visited with a few other friends from my old town. It seems relevant to say at this point that Andy is very obviously neurodivergent in some way. It is obvious as soon as you meet him. He is very awkward, sometimes doesn't get social cues, can be inappropriate, has an unusual gait, even some very mild facial differences/expressions. For this reason, he can get people's backs up. I believe that he's ultimately well meaning. He isn't creepy, and he's managed to make a lot of friends over time. But he can do things that seem socially surprising and he doesn't have much filter and he's young for his age.

He upset DH by lying across the sofa so DH didn't have anywhere to sit. We'd all had a bit to drink by that point. My bad, as in the moment I didn't realise it was upsetting DH (I am also mildly ND - definitely not as bad as Andy). I thought everyone was just kind of messing around. DH was laughing too. In the end DH sat on him. Later, DH was annoyed at me for not saying something to Andy. I was shocked at first because I'd genuinely thought they were just messing around. Now I feel bad about it.

Another time, Andy upset DH at an event. I was also uncomfortable at this event. Andy was drunk and he put his arm around my shoulders while we were standing next to each other. This did make me feel uncomfortable as I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do think Andy was just doing it in a mate-y kind of way, the way friends just put their arms round each others' shoulders sometimes. So, I didn't want to make a thing about it and I didn't say anything. This upset DH as he said it was disrespectful to him. I still am not sure how I should best have handled that. Andy also upset a few other of my friends at that event by being generally a bit outspoken.

I didn't see Andy for ages after that, which seemed for the best. He's reached out a couple of times and I've been vague. But he just recently invited me to an event and wanted to catch up. I know how DH feels about him now (and our mutual friends all agree) and honestly it's been a bit of a sore point which I've found stressful, and so I thought I should just set a final boundary because I couldn't keep pussyfooting around forever. I tried to send the most gentle message I could saying I was sorry but I couldn't catch up, there had been a couple of things that had upset DH even though I hadn't realised at the time, but I wished him all the best. I tried to find a balance between being supportive of DH while also being kind to Andy because in my personal opinion he truly didn't mean any harm.

Anyway he replied basically saying he was confused and had no idea what that was about (I believe him, I think he has no clue anyone was upset) but that he understood.

I feel really bad. I don't know. I can't do anything differently now. I really couldn't keep being friends with him because it would have made my family life quite unpleasant but I also don't think I could keep fobbing him off with excuses.

It is so hard isn’t it when you are ND too? To know what is the right thing to do.

I would suggest that the minor and sometimes obscure social rules he did or did not break matter less than whether you want to be friends with him or not.

In short, no one can tell you who you should be friends with. They should not be telling you to end a friendship because a person with a disability that makes them unable to navigate social situations perfectly has made a handful of what you see as innocent errors in social situations.

Ethically, it was unfair to blame your husband or your friends for your ending the friendship with Andy; it was your decision. The reasons you have given here seem trivial, but you absolutely have the right to decide how much you value the friendship and whether Andy's annoying actions that you've noted here outweigh what's good about the relationship - and you did decide. It sounds like you now feel guilty about ending the friendship and want to justify it to yourself. Why? Andy said he understands and accepts your decision; it's done.

It sounds to me as if you want to get back in touch with Andy? Is this the case? If not then just let it go no good will come of you contracting him now. FWIW my DH would have reacted the same especially as it appears Andy can’t hold his drink and acts like a dick

edited to say my DH would have no issues with me having a platonic male friend just not one that acts up and is disrespectful

What do you want, OP?

If I want to be friends with someone, I am friends with them. My husband has no problem with that and frankly couldn't care less if someone sat in his spot on the sofa, or put their arm around me in a friendly manner. I love the fact that my husband has female friends, including an ex-gf.

If you want to see or contact Andy, then see him. Don't let your husband's insecurities and ego get in the way of a great friendship that you know is entirely innocent.

Trust your own mind.

Ethically, it was unfair to blame your husband or your friends for your ending the friendship with Andy; it was your decision

While this is true on the surface, OP might be struggling with feeling like she was emotionally manipulated into ending that friendship because she has also said if it had been up to her, she would not have ended it.

So let her explore whether she really decided this or if she has just gone along with it to keep the peace with her DH.

It actually doesn't. If I was socialising with my partner and his friend and friend took up an entire sofa, I would ask the friend to please move so I can sit down. I would not be silently seething and then accuse my partner of not being supportive enough.
And if you were drinking, then, perhaps he did and Andy didn't move but you were all pissed to clearly nobody covered themselves in glory on that particular evening (i.e your husband thinking it was appropriate to sit on top of another adult).
Sounds like you all, including a psychologist friend, are a bunch of bullies and Andy is probably better off without this friendship.

For a person wanting a ‘calm, quiet, drama-free life’, you sure hide it well.

What a whole load of drama over nothing 🤷‍♀️

None of what you’ve said should ever register on your train of day to day thoughts OP. Seriously overthinking and overdramatising.

I don't think Andy was that bad, I find it weird your DH would want you to end your friendship over that. I find it very concerning that you ended a friendship because you didn't want that level of tension in your life. That screams coercive control.

It didn't, until everyone I know thought he had been rude.

Might get flamed by the cool wives for this but I know I’m right - you can’t be friends with a man who’s had a crush on you. I’ve seen men wait around for DECADES to try and get with women who have rejected them and they’ve “stayed friends”. It legitimately happened to my mother, when she divorced my dad and it was extremely weird that a man we all called “uncle” had hit on my mum. That’s an extreme case, but it’s happened to me and happened to almost all my friends. If he’s fancied you, he ain’t your mate.

You should definitely remain friends Andy has not done anything wrong.

it’s not up to your husband who your friends are.

Don't let your husband's insecurities and ego get in the way of a great friendship that you know is entirely innocent.

1. OP says it’s not a “great” friendship (although it’s not a bad one)
2. It’s not “entirely innocent”, is it? OP clearly says she herself has picked up on Andy having feelings / a crush on her and several of HER friends have also said they think Andy has ulterior motives and is being deliberately rude to her DH after witnessing their interactions

OP says she has other male friends who her DH doesn’t seem to have a problem with so it’s probably a case of his “spidey senses” going off which funnily enough, women are never told to ignore on here. When it’s the other way around (and the wife is fine with all his other female friends), the advice is always that the DH should be prioritising his wife’s feeling and dialling back the friendship / interactions with the other woman but then MN loves a good double standard.

OP says she’s ND herself and the description of events is from her point of view, just because she’s not picked up on anything untoward doesn’t mean there wasn’t anything untoward to pick up on; it’s extremely telling to me that HER friends are singing from the same hymn sheet as her DH.

Aside from that, I personally don’t believe (and my experiences supports my view) that a man who has feelings for a woman stays in a platonic friendship with her altruistically; it’s been my experience that he’s usually biding his time (the exception being when they’re exes).

Just like you GoodGirlFaith, DP and I have no problem with opposite sex friendships and we both have plenty which is precisely why if he voiced any concern about one particular person, I’d listen and seriously consider his point of view because I know he’s not unreasonable, insecure or controlling plus I trust his judgement; I also know he’s do the same if I went to him with similar. Neither of us are selfish enough to just disregard the other persons feelings and plough on because we want to.

Tbh I'm just worried whether he's ok or not. Like I said, he's very ND so things don't just roll off his back. He has in the past referred to me as his best friend, which always made me feel awkward because I didn't feel the same way. I don't think I could have ended things if he didn't have many other friends, but fortunately he has quite a few. I don't want to make it sound like I think I'm super important or anything, but it does worry me that it could have really affected him. I'm hoping not since, as I say, we've literally not seen each other and barely spoken for ages. I imagine it can still be very hurtful to receive a message like that, though.

I’m female, ND, masked forever as I’m in my 50s so no one would ever know. It’s all internal.

I would still be devastated if you were my friend and did that to me. He’s been your friend and hasn’t done anything at all wrong.

Your message was honest about your reasons for ending the friendship, which counts for something significant. You could have just kept giving vague excuses for not meeting up, then eventually stop replying to him etc etc - that might have seemed kinder and easier in the short term, but could have left him more hurt and more confused in the long term. It's done now, so I'd just think of it like that. It doesn't sound to me like youre having second thoughts about actually wanting to continue the friendship, only about the way you ended it. Presumably if he wants to talk about it, he can get in touch with your mutual friends to do so.

You were honest with him, so I don't think the way you finished the relationship was inappropriate.

But, maybe you regret ending it at all?

Look OP I would listen to your friends who have actually witnessed what happened and observed the dynamics in person, not a bunch of strangers who are going of the tiny snapshot you’ve provided; especially as you say it’s possible you’re not picking up on things due to your own neurodiversity.

It also says a lot that your all friend are in agreement with each other and also that they’re primarily your friends, not just your DH’s. Unless you think they’re ALL liars, troublemakers, ill intentioned or ableists, I’d believe them; in my opinion it’s more likely that they genuinely care about you and are telling the truth as opposed to them all being in on some sort of conspiracy to ruin your friendships for nefarious reasons.

I was also uncomfortable at this event. Andy was drunk and he put his arm around my shoulders while we were standing next to each other. This did make me feel uncomfortable as I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do think Andy was just doing it in a mate-y kind of way, the way friends just put their arms round each others' shoulders sometimes. So, I didn't want to make a thing about it and I didn't say anything.

This stood out to me because this isn’t okay, it doesn’t matter if he’s ND or you think his intentions were innocent, you DO NOT have to put up with someone touching you and making you feel uncomfortable; speaking up for yourself and maintaining boundaries so you’re comfortable isn’t making it a thing and if he was genuinely your friend he’d accept that with good grace. It would only be a thing if he got upset with you about it which in itself, should tell you everything you need to know.

You also don’t seem to be overly upset about the loss of friendship yourself, your posts are mainly about how he’s taking it or how he may feel; you are allowed to end friendships and relationships for any reasons you want and you are not responsible for his feelings. You were not rude, just factual and at least you were honest which in my opinion is kinder than ghosting / the slow fade.

All sounds weird.

Andy is lying on the sofa, DH wants to sit on the sofa, say excuse me please. It’s not that hard.

Your DH is making excuses so you end the friendship. Your psychologist friend should know better.

You can’t be mildly ND.

Odd behaviour from all concerned.

You sound like you're afraid of upsetting your husband not like you're fed up with Andy. On the other hand your hubbie sounds very insecure, c'mon... getting upset with a guy you've never slept with because he put his arm around you infront of everybody? Would this upset you if vice versa? I think your husband needs to grow up.

If I had asked Andy to remove his arm he would have and I think he'd have apologised and felt bad. I just didn't want to ask. I was being a doormat. It seemed like making something of nothing.

You're right, for me the friendship wasn't close enough that I feel a sense of loss. In that respect I am ok with it. But I am still worried about him as a human and want him to be ok.

I voted YABU, your DH should make allowances (that's if you wanted to carry on the friendship).

If opposite gender friends is OK why was him putting his arms around your shoulders an issue? Would it have been an issue if female?

All this because he lay on the sofa and touched you. Wow.

I am level 1 autistic. It doesn't have a massive impact on my life (I work, I parent, I function), although things were a bit harder when I was younger. For that reason I consider it mild.

Well I think you were a bloody coward, firstly for being "vague" when he tried to meet up and secondly for dumping him without addressing the "issues" as they actually happened.