Would you tell parents about hurtful messages?

[melisma]

More of a WWYD rather than an AIBU.

DD12 had a good friend, let's call her Lila, all through primary school. Lila and DD went to different secondary schools. Lila's dad was unfortunately diagnosed with a serious illness about 6 months ago. DD did her best to support Lila, she came to our house a lot for sleepovers etc and all was good between them up until this summer. Lila went very distant over texts, not replying and making up increasingly outlandish reasons for why she couldn't meet up with DD. Eventually Lila turned on DD, sending her a barrage of texts saying she was annoying, why didn't she fuck off and let their friendship go etc. DD was absolutely devastated and it really rocked her confidence, especially as she is still finding her feet in a new friendship group at her school.

I see Lila's mum a fair amount as Lila and my older child do the same sport.

Fast forward to today, Lila has unblocked my DD to ask her for her brother's number as she likes one of his friends. DD said no and Lila sent her a meme calling her a f*#ing r!#ard. I have seen screenshots of the whole exchange.

Would you say something to Lila's parents? I bumped into her mum today and she was really keen to start a conversation, but I just made my excuses and left quickly. I don't think she knows how Lila has acted towards my DD, but obviously this is an awful time for their family, so I don't want to add to that.

Yes, I would.

I would.

They are 12 fgs. Of course you speak to the mum. If my 12 year old was treated this badly, I'd have already intervened. . I presume they are y7.
Bullying esp phone related, will get worse. Boundaries, you have to teach them. I work in aschool I seee the devastating results of phone related bullying.

Of course I would. You can't make kids be friends, but you can oversee how they communicate.

Yes I would. I would say “I’ve been a bit surprised to see some of Lila’s messages to my daughter recently and wanted to make you aware, I hope this isn’t too much of a shock” then forward the message chains to the parents and say something like “Obviously I leave it with you, I would want to speak to my daughter if she was using language like this.”

For whatever reason, I don't think the relationship between the girls is salvageable - at least not for some time hence.

Given that, and the other pressures on her mum, I'd be inclined not to raise it, unless it either comes up directly or you say something very oblique such as you think Lila is needing a bit of space right now. I'd only say the latter so she is aware DD hasn't dropped Lila in her hour of need.

But, while it doesn't exonerate such awful behaviour, I think they are both going through something difficult and I also don't see any value in pursuing the friendship for your DD right now. So I'd leave it.

Yes I would along the lines of, is your daughter doing ok, she’s said some very hurtful things to my daughter over text which seem out of character and I was worried about her and thought you would want to know

I would let her know so she can support Lila (who is likely being an arsehole as she’s incredibly upset about her her dad and taking it out on your poor girl).

so yes, I would do it very sensitively

Yes, if my daughter was sending these kind of messages then there is something seriously wrong and I would want to know.

I’d message back as you.

Hi Lila, this is DD’s mum- are you ok?

No judgement, but she’s aware you know.

I think she will know her DD is not in a good place. That could be seen as just a passive aggressive complaint dressed up as concern, which isn't fair at a difficult time.

I think OP should focus on protecting her DD by cutting the phone contact. If the friends raise that blocking, then is the time to explain.

This is enormously hurtful for your DD OP, BUT it does provide the opportunity to teach her that relationships where we are mistreated are not ones we pursue.

My understanding is they are no longer thrust together at school, is that right?

Actually yes, I quite like this idea.

It is upfront, calls her to account and doesn't lump more on the mother.

Absolutely tell her.

Their family life isn't more important than your daughter's mental health. There's been so many young girls self harming at our local school because of vicious phone communications and bullying. Two have committed suicide. This is your chance to nip it in the bud before it escalates. I hope her mum is responsible and decent.

I'd approach it by letting her come to speak to me as she has done, then gently bring it up and say you've seen some messages that have been upsetting your daughter, is Lila doing ok, it's a shame the friendship has ended like this... Come from a place of concern for Lila so she doesn't get defensive or feel like you're turning against her. It must be rough for a child to witness her family going through that but equally, she can't be taking it out on your daughter.

ETA: I like NormasArse suggestion too!

Yes, I’d raise it. You can say “I’ve been wondering whether to bring it up, but so decided if it was my daughter I’d want to know.” In all likelihood the mother will be devastated.

I think you owe it to the mum to tell her. Not least because if she ever picks up her phone and sees I bet she will be mortified. You can phrase it that it’s out of concern for Lila because you know this isn’t how she usually is. It sounds like maybe Lila needs more support than she’s getting.If the mum reacts badly so be it but I’d probably screenshot the msgs and forward them on to her .

Yep this, I’d say you’ve got it covered your end supporting your daughter but it’s really out of character for Lila and you know she’s been having a rough time lately and you’d want to know yourself if it was your daughter

Yes I would. I’d want to know if I were that mum. I’d also advise my child to block Lila.

I would, however if you have seen screenshots rather than the full conversation there might be other messages or actions you’re not aware of.

I think you should let Lila's Mum know but very, very carefully and sensitively because of the circumstances. Perhaps something along the lines of "l realise you are going through a truly terrible time at the moment and the very last thing I want is to add to things but I wondered if you were aware that Lila has been sending some really nasty texts with the most appalling language to my daughter. I can show them to you if necessary. I am very sorry to have to bring this up but you will know the best way to speak to Lila."

It is a dreadful time for everyone and serious illness and death of a parent, especially a father at this age is about the very worst time it could happen. At eleven or twelve, they have just started at a new school and are getting used to the much greater demands of secondary school and homework, they are negotiating new friendship groups, possibly using public transport for the first time and coping with all the physical and emotional changes associated with puberty. They need their parents more than ever before. Even so, it cannot be an excuse for bad behaviour and Lila needs to face some consequences for her own sake.

Tricky situation.

I'd want to know if my DD sent such messages to anyone.

The messages are unacceptable.

I don’t think it’s appropriate at all for the OP to message Lila directly. Adults should talk to adults.