Would you tell parents about hurtful messages?

[melisma]

More of a WWYD rather than an AIBU.

DD12 had a good friend, let's call her Lila, all through primary school. Lila and DD went to different secondary schools. Lila's dad was unfortunately diagnosed with a serious illness about 6 months ago. DD did her best to support Lila, she came to our house a lot for sleepovers etc and all was good between them up until this summer. Lila went very distant over texts, not replying and making up increasingly outlandish reasons for why she couldn't meet up with DD. Eventually Lila turned on DD, sending her a barrage of texts saying she was annoying, why didn't she fuck off and let their friendship go etc. DD was absolutely devastated and it really rocked her confidence, especially as she is still finding her feet in a new friendship group at her school.

I see Lila's mum a fair amount as Lila and my older child do the same sport.

Fast forward to today, Lila has unblocked my DD to ask her for her brother's number as she likes one of his friends. DD said no and Lila sent her a meme calling her a f*#ing r!#ard. I have seen screenshots of the whole exchange.

Would you say something to Lila's parents? I bumped into her mum today and she was really keen to start a conversation, but I just made my excuses and left quickly. I don't think she knows how Lila has acted towards my DD, but obviously this is an awful time for their family, so I don't want to add to that.

Yes you 100% need to inform her parents.
They need to speak to her and explain why her behaviour is not acceptable.

They don't go to the same school so would the school want to be involved?

I'd chat with the mum or maybe go with a coffee with her so that you can bring it up gently from a perspective of being concerned about Lila. You can then reveal the fact she's ended her friendship with your DD and used some nasty language. Normally I'd think Lila was a little cow, but if her dad is seriously ill then I'd give her some leeway as she may need extra support.

I think tell her Mum, but if possible, have a face to face chat, then nothing gets misinterpreted. It sounds like she's not aware of the falling out and it's a lot to try to explain in a few messages.

Ah

in my experience, very few parents take criticism as their child well even if their child is obviously in the wrong

I would definitely want to know if my child was speaking like this to another, regardless of circumstances. Agree with pp about handling it with sensitivity. I'd maybe start with a "how's Lila getting on?" If you have that sort of relationship.

You can acknowledge that it's hard to bring up but it could provide important information to the mum. Perhaps Lila is pushing everyone away.

I would, for your daughters sake but also because Lila is going through an awful experience and this uncharacteristic lashing out may be symptomatic of her distress. I’d frame it as concern for Lila.

I think your DD is much better off without Lila and I would mention it in passing to her Mum (who almost certainly has no idea), I would want to know if my daughter was acting like this.

Yes I would.

No, leave the family alone, they have enough to deal with. The kids aren’t friends anymore and that’s the end of it, let it go.