Coersive Control

[Mysweetlife]

I don't know where to start really.

My partner took me to court for my alcoholism and won custody, I rented my home and moved away to be with my children and him in the home he bought.

Alot has happened to get to this point, been told on multiple occasions to leave him, had many chances from the judge. He's never left me alone and to be honest I didn't him because I thought it could work.

I did two months dry whilst at the house even through my mum passing away, he made my life so difficult that I was stupid and drank again.

Lashed out at family until I have nobody left, he took me back, I know my lashing out has been a cry for help because I've been so stupid.

It was my worst binge yet, literally hallucinating, shaking, throwing up bloody and didn't sleep for 4 days because I would lay awake.

Two days after still poorly (self inflicted) took me back on the basis I was a possession and that when the kids went to bed I am basically a piece of meat, he will use me. I agreed in desperation to be with my children, they are not happy without me, it kills me to know what i have caused and let happen.

When I am not here he sits on his phone feet up on the recliner and does nothing, my children messaging saying they miss me

I am in debt, my property is rented and money tied up.

I don't know what to do or where to go

The first day I was here he said he was taking my phone and cards to work with him so I couldn't buy alcohol, left me £1 for milk

But then left a large bottle of rum in the house.

The first night last night of the dominant situation, I had got the kids bathed, cooked with them, snack and film, we all had hot chocolate and he poured himself a glass of rum and lemonade, sat beside me and said Mmmm very loudly.

I can't look at myself or him, I now see the evil I pushed everyone away for

Are you using any alcohol support services? They would have seen situations like this before and will have links with domestic abuse charities. Go and get some professional help, you won't find the answers here. You do need out of that toxic situation, I doubt it's what is best for the children.

I was attending aa regularly until my mum passed away, I was busy with the kids, home working and travelling to my hometown.
I have to do 6 months until I can see the children on my own, he has been like tying me do the school runs, do normal things on my own.
He only puts in restrictions to suit him.

I can't leave them here, my little boy especially needs me.

Why have I been so stupid

I didn't realise the whole thing as I was pretty confused from the offset.

How did he take you to court for alcoholism?
what custody?
How did he win custody if you're still together?

I dont doubt he's exacerbating the situation, but you can't blame others for your alcoholism

I was hoping someone may have professional experience and could guide me.

Feel so alone, I just can't leave them, should have put the drink down.

Sorry to confuse just so much has happened.

I started to drink when he was accused of trying to sleep with my sister, I still stayed and lost part of my family.

Drink was a crutch and it's nobodies fault

He won because i kept lying when they asked about control which was noticed by social. Then I slipped up and he won custody but we left court together and he planned on me moving in when I had given up my home to rent out and gave away all of my belongings.

I stayed with a man who took me to court, we never fully seperated

It's a really messed up situation and very hard to explain

By custody I mean the children live with him, they were not safe with me.

I spiralled through the court process with my drinking on many occasions

I have professional experience. This isn't a quick fix that can be done on the Internet. You need to go to alcohol services and have counselling, possibly do detox and rehab. You need to have support to find alternative housing and manage debt. Your children need to be assessed by children's social care because they don't seem to be in a safe and stable environment. You need to sort yourself out so you can be a stable parent for them but that is going to take time.

I know it will take time which is why I can't leave and hurt the kids again, they are not happy unless with me.

I've realised how controlling he is, knew but saw a good side until now, he truly is a coersive narcissist.

I've been sober 4 days and I'm feeling back to me more now so I don't need detox but definately AA again

If I contact social services I'm scared they won't have any of us

I'm doing as he says to be with them and give them structure, love and what they know

He hasn't moved off his phone for two days earplugs in listening to tiktok with earplugs, I do everything and it's been this way for months now

I just need them with me and I know it won't be easy

My whole family warned me

I hate the way he looks at me and treats me, wish there were cameras in the home to show people exactly what he is like

He said I am not single but he is and the best option for me to be here is to be in a sub dom situation

im sorry for the loss of your mum. that is enough to make any of us hit our lowest point.

as others have said please reach out to social work for help. they are not the enemy.

you seem to think that only you can comfort the kids. but is that really true?
because i’m thinking if they are safe with him and have a routine, well fed, washed, school etc that this will release you to go and undergo counselling and detoxing.
i guess what im asking is whether hes a bastard to them or just you?

dont give up or be a piece of meat. you deserve better. seek help akd tell them the full truth.

Your children shouldn't be exposed to this. It is so damaging for them. You might think they're happy when your there but that doesn't mean they are happy. They may be scared for you when you're not there because they don't know what's happening to you, but they shouldn't have those worries. They're also learning that it's okay to allow someone to treat another like a piece of dirt and control them. These kind of men can escalate too, you and the DC may not have seen the worst of him yet. It's not safe for you to manage this alone.

I understand what your saying, he would love bomb as you call it and act supportive, when I won at first in court acted so sorry for things he had done and said if he wasn't with us there was nothing left for him

Would plant things in the house, things to make me feel like I had done something wrong, tell me I had cheated, then the cycle restarted.

I'm so stuck, the last binge I went to my family in such a state, verbally attacked everyone then stayed in my dad's spare room drinking crying until I lost them all

It's too much for everyone, the situation has been going on far too long and they begged me to leave him.

Wish I could turn back and know how strong I am and that I could have done it on my own

He's in the room now just furiously doing weights

The kids have been cooking and baking with me all day, going out with me to the park in about 15 minutes.

When I'm vulnerable he has a look in his eyes that screams control and possessive I can't explain it.

When I stayed sober over two months which was only a few weeks ago he tried to make everything as hard as he could, reminding me why I wasn't trusted, why he didn't come to my mums funeral, why he couldn't support me

I literally hate the man but didn't going through court because I didn't see the full extent

If I left I know he would be begging me to come back. He loves control

He had me arrested when I was drunk not long ago and said I attacked him, the police turned off the recorder and asked me to speak about him, they didn't believe him and said I should leave

I just want my home again which I still own with my children

I do apologise this is alot, heads so scrambled full of everything

He will be taking my phone and cards and leaving me with no money tomorrow

That's the only way I can take the kids to school or even be here

You need to get away from him and deal with your addiction first and foremost.
Get admitted to a detox unit through your GP or AA/SMART Recovery, get and stay sober then in time apply for custody.

You cannot stay with your children while you are still drinking. He's obviously scuppering you deliberately and unfortunately you are playing into his hands.

Put your children first by getting treatment for your addiction while away from his influence and control. Then you will be in a much stronger position legally.

There's only 1 way you can win your children back. This way.

It's very common in domestic abuse & relationship problems for there to be 'two sides' eg problems on both sides of the relationship. Look up 'violet relationships' - theres info on most domestic abuse websites

Domestic abuse charities are a good place to start & will have links to alcohol, addiction, mental health, homelessness , and child safeguarding services & often meet as multi disciplinary teams to support people like you.

Google local domestic abuse services or call the national domestic abuse helpline - they will identify your local service.

You need to persevere with tackling the alcohol addiction & engage with any support offered - I do understand that they often don't provide anything like the level of support they should. The alcohol is going to get in the way of everything else - your health, your vulnerability & ultimately contact with your children

Thank you for replying to me

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

It can take a long time on hold to get through to them on phone or chat but worth it as they are brilliant.

He will be taking my phone from 7am until 4pm tomorrow and then if I'm out on my own later he will question

Crazy though because I've just taken my son out for almost an hour with my phone and that's not questioned

But in order to take my children to school in the morning he needs my devices and cards

He contradicts everything he says

I think I just feel so low with everything and because I have no control of anything

I said to him not long ago I am going to ring a therapist or the doctors to speak about everything, he went silent and now his attitude has changed slightly, touching my side when he walked past to putting his phone down and making tea with my daughter and her friend

Don't give him your phone or cards. Move out and concentrate on staying sober, keeping a job etc. When he has to do all the work of childcare alone he'll soon decide he doesn't want them after all.

This is absolutely the way to go forwards OP.

Free yourself from the addiction and him first THEN you will be able to get your kids.

Thank you for your responses @Elsvieta and @BMW58

I took the kids to school and picked them up today.

Last night when I had taken the kids to bed and read their books came downstairs and sat on the sofa.

He asked me why I wasn't wearing shorts as we agreed, I said I don't want to do anything tonight and he just looked at me and said go on. I stupidly did put my pyjama shorts on, cried when I sat back down and said this isn't ok.

Massive rant in which I just nodded, gave him the grey rock after researching narcissists, full rants but I did not retaliate and he didn't know what to do.

He's been silent today whilst at work as he has been messaging me on my son's tablet.

Almost 5 days sober

Sorry trying to bump for advice