AIBU to be really annoyed at DH for ignoring toddler’s nap routine because he wanted a break?

[campingstars]

Our 2-year-old normally naps for 1.5 hours max and goes to bed at 8pm. I manage him most days on my own and stick to this because if he sleeps too long, bedtime is a nightmare.

I was out today and DH had him. Toddler went to sleep at 12 and when I phoned during the nap I specifically said he needed waking up. DH decided not to wake him because he was tired, has a cold and wanted to sit down for a bit.

He ended up letting him sleep until 2.30pm.

Unsurprisingly, 8pm bedtime came around and toddler was having none of it. I tried settling him again but it didn’t work. It’s now after 9pm and DH has taken him back downstairs.

The part that’s really annoying me is that DH now wants me to help because he’s tired and feels run ragged after having toddler all day.

I completely understand that he’s got a cold and is tired. Looking after a 2-year-old all day is exhausting. But I specifically told him to wake toddler because I knew exactly what would happen tonight.

I’m also having an awful endometriosis flare. I’m on prescribed morphine and codeine, lying with a hot-water bottle and desperately want to go to bed and have some peace and quiet.

On top of that, we’ve been TTC for about 1.5 years and my period has just turned up again, so I’m feeling pretty upset about that too. I’m honestly getting to the point where I feel like giving up trying for another baby because I don’t know how much longer I can manage the endometriosis pain without being able to go back to hormonal treatments/other options that aren’t compatible with TTC.

So I fully accept I might be extra emotional and grumpy tonight because I’m in pain, disappointed that another month hasn’t worked and generally feeling completely fed up.

But when I’m ill or having a bad pain day and have toddler by myself, I still get through the day and wake him up so that we both can enjoy our evening and go to bed at a reasonable time

I feel like DH chose the easier option this afternoon because he wanted the extra hour sitting down, despite me specifically asking him to wake toddler, and now the consequence is a toddler who isn’t tired at bedtime but he wants me to help deal with it when I’m in agony.

I only know naps don’t last forever

What's this 😯!?

Yes, clearly the little one needs the sleep at that time if he slept an extra hour left to his own devices. And it won’t be forever.

That break in the middle of the day is great! But honestly I just found the nap a big stress.

I do think those who blithely say ‘oh well they needed it’ have those children who will just adjust bedtime naturally. My ds is a bit like this. Goes to bed at 8; wakes at 7. Then if he goes to bed at 7, he wakes at 6. It’s great. Dd however … if she even nods off for ten minutes in the day it pushes bedtime back and if the sleep is after midday she can easily be up until 10 o clock. And still awake at 530!

Really? Nah
OP is ill too. He was selfish

Why on Earth would you want another child when you are miserable with the one you already have?
It’s not unreasonable for your husband to want a break if he is unwell and tired. Ditto you as you are suffering too.
Unfortunately, this type of competitive/blame parenting can break up marriages if it becomes the norm.
Is that what you want?

I voted yanbu, but you would be unreasonable to consider another baby with this man when he doesn’t do his share already.

Yanbu but honestly it’s not that big a deal but it will feel one now because you’re tired and exhausted. He should have been more considerate but sounds like he’s got a cold too. Sadly that’s often men for you! I hope you feel better soon.

@BatteriesNotIncluded76he’s self employed he came home last week early every day to give me a hand and on my worst day he sent me off for a long nap. He does more than his share except today when he made a bad judgement but in his defence on his worst day of being ill I wasn’t able to be around to help him or take of some of the burden.

You’re in the thick of it now
and I think just try to get through it together without getting at each other. It’s hard when everything is amplified due to exhaustion but try to get some rest. Things will feel better tomorrow

I've let mine nap late, so has DH. It's not the worst thing someone could do. Sometimes you just need a break in that moment and the consequences don't matter. I hope you all feel better soon.

People are being so harsh. They both feel rubbish, the toddler wouldn’t sleep. Op got angry because husband messed up the routine. Toddler is now sleep, they’ve talked about it and now understand each other’s perspectives.

They aren’t bad parents, they’re just having a bad day. Let them be.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your DH has fucked around and found out. It's his issue to sort.
I wouldn't have another dc until he had learned to parent the first one though.

I think the biggest issue is the rigid routine, your DC is so conditioned to a nap that lasts an exact amount of time at an exact time that even an hour more has dire consequences. My DS was always a good night time sleeper (12hrs from 10wks) that by 2yrs he didn't have a day time nap at all unless he was poorly and before that he would nap for about 90min any time from 11am to 3pm depending on where we were and what we were doing.

You’ve all been unwell and sometimes that leads to taking an easier option at the time and there are consequences. It’s not about point scoring or who is being unreasonable. It’s about surviving and getting through the difficult days together. I’ve been ill and let mine nap later and had to take the consequences, it happens.

I think you may be overreacting slightly. I won’t say you were being unreasonable because you’re not well and clearly having a rough time of it and OH was daft. But then he was also unwell, and could probably be forgiven for letting toddler nap a little longer than normal.

I wouldn’t have expected one extra hour of napping to have a massive impact on bedtime at this age tbh. Knowing that he’d napped longer, I probably would have avoided a fight at bedtime altogether and just not bothered even trying to put him to bed till at least nine. It’s not that drastic a change to his normal routine. It’s not like he let him have a 2 hour nap at 4pm! That really would have been carnage.

I’m guessing OH will learn from hard experience to listen to you next time.
Hope you feel better soon.

I’m glad you’ve managed to talk it through, see each other’s perspectives and make up. I really feel for you, parenting can be absolutely magical, the best thing you’ve ever done, but also relentless and, at times, incredibly difficult. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. And all the commenters suggesting you shouldn’t have another child because you had one parenting disagreement with your husband are clearly perfect parents and spouses, and so is ordinary folk shouldn’t compare ourselves to them. 😂

I don’t want to rile you up again, especially now you’ve made up, but I do think he was being unreasonable in not following the routine you have in place. As the primary parent, you’ve come to know what works well for your child and what doesn’t. You weren’t asking him to wake them up just to make his day harder, you were asking because you understood the likely consequences, and unfortunately those consequences were proved right in the difficult bedtime you ending up having.

Some adults are planners and thrive on predictability, while others are much more carefree and spontaneous. People seem to happily accept these differences in adults, but when you suggest that some children are happier in a routine, all the parents who had children who were naturally much more flexible come out of the woodwork to gleefully tell you that you’re doing something wrong. So please don’t let the comments telling you that you’ve somehow “caused a problem” by having a child who likes routine make you question yourself. Do what works for you and your family. You know your child better than the commenters do.

And if you didn’t already talk about it, it might be worth having a chat about how you’ll deal with these sorts of disagreements in future. Especially when one of you has more experience of what tends to work (or not work!) for your particular child. There’s a difference between “I’d probably do it differently” and “I’ve seen what happens when we do this before, and I’m worried it’ll end badly”. You’re not always going to agree, but hopefully you can both trust each other’s experience and work out when one of you has good reason to be saying, “Honestly, I really think we should do it this way.” Good luck! And I hope your fertility treatment goes well for you!