AIBU to be really annoyed at DH for ignoring toddler’s nap routine because he wanted a break?

[campingstars]

Our 2-year-old normally naps for 1.5 hours max and goes to bed at 8pm. I manage him most days on my own and stick to this because if he sleeps too long, bedtime is a nightmare.

I was out today and DH had him. Toddler went to sleep at 12 and when I phoned during the nap I specifically said he needed waking up. DH decided not to wake him because he was tired, has a cold and wanted to sit down for a bit.

He ended up letting him sleep until 2.30pm.

Unsurprisingly, 8pm bedtime came around and toddler was having none of it. I tried settling him again but it didn’t work. It’s now after 9pm and DH has taken him back downstairs.

The part that’s really annoying me is that DH now wants me to help because he’s tired and feels run ragged after having toddler all day.

I completely understand that he’s got a cold and is tired. Looking after a 2-year-old all day is exhausting. But I specifically told him to wake toddler because I knew exactly what would happen tonight.

I’m also having an awful endometriosis flare. I’m on prescribed morphine and codeine, lying with a hot-water bottle and desperately want to go to bed and have some peace and quiet.

On top of that, we’ve been TTC for about 1.5 years and my period has just turned up again, so I’m feeling pretty upset about that too. I’m honestly getting to the point where I feel like giving up trying for another baby because I don’t know how much longer I can manage the endometriosis pain without being able to go back to hormonal treatments/other options that aren’t compatible with TTC.

So I fully accept I might be extra emotional and grumpy tonight because I’m in pain, disappointed that another month hasn’t worked and generally feeling completely fed up.

But when I’m ill or having a bad pain day and have toddler by myself, I still get through the day and wake him up so that we both can enjoy our evening and go to bed at a reasonable time

I feel like DH chose the easier option this afternoon because he wanted the extra hour sitting down, despite me specifically asking him to wake toddler, and now the consequence is a toddler who isn’t tired at bedtime but he wants me to help deal with it when I’m in agony.

Sorry I think YABU… only a tiny bit though. I would be annoyed too but equally I’ve let mine nap for longer when I’m knackered. I think you could relax more and let him sleep for longer occasionally on the days you really need a break too.

Absolutely do not help. He caused this, he can deal with it.

I think Because your both not feeling great I don't think sticking to routine is important tbh just sit and have cuddles with toddler otherwise all of you will end up stressed out !! DH was naughty but he's not well and neither r u so enjoy some.cuddle.time one night won't hurt x

TTC seems insane when the two of you can't seem to manage the one child you have together.

Make it absolutely clear that you are not going to handle the toddler past 8pm since it's DH who caused it in the first place. I'd be more understanding if you were feeling fine, but your pain is serious and he's just having a manflu

He needs to do his own thing, but he needs to deal with the consequences.

I would agree with this, it's hard for both of you if you're not feeling well. Get some books out or watch a bit of Bluey or something.

The joys of parenting!

Different houses have different rules...

In your house - the rule is the nap is capped... and its for a reason... your dh needs to respect that.

in our house have a natural consequences policy in our house.
I suggest you borrow thst rule and leave dh to it and leave the house if needed.

This is classic FAFO. You arent helping yourself if you help him. He needs to truly understand in his bones that you dont fuck about with the nap.

If i was feeling kind or i thought my child would bear the brunt of his bad temper i'd help him out though...

This is something every parent learns, the joy of a long nap vs the agony of prolonged bedtime. I've made the same choice as him before, but I certainly don't expect DH to deal with the consequences. If the other of us is doing bedtime we are particularly careful to wake the toddler on time because it's hugely unfair to let the other person cop the chaos.

This seems a bit mean! It's a minor disagreement over a child's nap. I don't understand why the bar is always higher for people who struggle to ttc?

If you were feeling fine I'd let it slide as we've all let a child sleep to long or mistimed a nap. As you are also feeling shit I'd let DH own this one!

Sorry you are experiencing secondary infertility- it is a really shit feeling.

So you are genuinely in pain whereas he just cba to parent effectively?

Given your pain, he shouldn’t asking you to help regardless of what happened earlier in the day.

But in general, I don’t think it’s awful if a routine isn’t always stuck to rigidly, and think the parent at home with them at the time should be able to make that call.

But as I say, you shouldn’t have to get up to help.

I don’t get this being a slave to the routine that parents seem to insist on now, surely some days other things are going on at “ nap time” being out of the house, visiting other folks, going to a parent toddler group just living life basically.
Toddlers don’t always follow the rules anyway sometimes they don’t go to sleep at their usual time regardless of how long they napped / whether they napped at all. Children being over tired and not able to go to sleep on occasion is just part of parenting surely, it’s not always someone’s fault and even if it is it could be due to something that happens on your watch next time. Stop playing the blame game and comparing who has it worse, unless your DH is a rubbish dad who always gets things wrong just cuddle up all together and watch some nonsense on the TV and chill. It won’t hurt your toddler having a later bedtime for once.

Unnecessarily nasty.

This is right. Stay put and rest up.

This is one of those things where when you’re over this stage (both mine are now young adults) you’ll see it as very petty and not worth getting upset over, but when you’re in the trenches of it all you’d literally murder someone over this. I remember it well. Just try and let it go and start again tomorrow.

I do think you’d be mad to consider another one though when you’re so unwell and you’re both so tired and stressed with the one you have. I mean that kindly.

This. ^^
Imagine your life with 2 kids fathered by him.
Why would you put yourself in that position?

Don’t dig a deeper hole for yourself like so many women do.

Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. After all, that's how YOU know this because YOU are the one that usually suffers.

You'd be barking mad to have another baby with him.

We don’t always stick to his routine especially if out late or doing somthing as a family I’m pretty go with the flow when it comes to his schedule we just cap his nap otherwise he’s up till 11. He’s gone to bed just now finally after lots of patting. he already goes to bed late at 8 I really like to try and keep it that way as otherwise he wakes up late tomorrow and then won’t nap till later and then it’s another late bedtime. We went through months and months of terrible sleep to get us in this good routine where we get a bit of evening to ourselves to eat dinner have a bath and tidy up.

Don’t have another baby yet. You are still trying to manage the one you’ve got. Give yourselves a break for another 6 months.

<about to get roasted for a crisp>

This was always why I would never bother getting DH to have the kids to give me a break. Because it would not be a break.

I remember him once deciding he absolutely had to get something from a DIY store at 5, took the kids, they fell asleep 😩 both up till gone 11. I was losing my mind.

In fairness I do know people with children who can have a brief danger nap and bedtime is largely unaffected or just half an hour later. Unfortunately, my children are not like this, especially my youngest. Routine is my saviour and if it is off kilter I lose my me time and I NEED it!

he’s in bed I laid on the sofa offering no real support. He has now just gone up and apologised for letting him sleep longer but he felt rubbish earlier and wanted to recoup. It’s just been one of those times over the last 2 weeks I’ve had a uti and cold now my period. Toddler had cold and then a chest infection. Husband has now finally caught the cold. I actually should give him credit for looking after toddler a little bit more and letting me rest when he was home from work. I think he supported me by letting me nap and rest and wanted the same but didn’t expect me to be unwell at the same time. We’ve made up we both apologised. I’m currently going through a tough time with fertility test etc he’s been extra busy with work and we’ve all been unwell

And maybe OP should delay TTC, who knows. I don’t. I only know naps don’t last forever, the exhausting years don’t last forever, you get to a good place eventually and if you want another baby, go for it.

But yes, do be aware two children is a very hard slog and you will reset the clock again.

We used to let them nap as long as they needed and then put them down later in the evening. Maybe your dh prefers to do that too? I don't think he's being a crap parent for doing that. Mine have turned out fine.