To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

Your parents did the right thing.

I would never gift a child an asset that a spouse would have a right to in the event they divorced and that spouse was no longer part of the family.

So many people see marriage into a wealthy family as their meal ticket, it’s really quite shocking.

Really? I wouldn’t be putting my dil in a bedsit and watch my grandchildren live there if I could help it.
When I divorced (due to his cheating) we had a large mortgage on our home. My PIL bought ex h a small house meaning our kids could stay in their home. Ex was still paying the mortgage but the longer I stayed, the smaller my equity became.

To me she deserves financial stability as a result of the partnership in marriage, not given to her by the parents.

She has no financial security now, so why should she suddenly win it as a result of marriage ?

A better way (IMO) would be for them to take the flat, then the couple can put money aside for her per month (they will have more money available if they are not paying a mortgage/renting) to build her, or both their security, rather than (potentially) giving one of them half a house up front.

I’d stay out of it. It’s between your brother and your parents. 👍

They went with my suggestion then. Nice! 🤣

they were to divorce with children and had 50/50 custody, your parents would probably ensure she was housed suitably to look after their grandchildren till they went to uni/work.

This family?

Could your parents not have gifted you a flat and then you gift it to your brother further down the line in the event of a divorce so that it isnt part of his assets at the point of divorce. And meanqhile thwy can just buy a place together loke any other couple with a mortgage.

So what's your brother done to earn this property that she hasn't, other than being born?

I don't think it's golddiggery to meet someone, get engaged, plan a wedding and have your intended pil offer to buy you and fiance a flat. She really lucked out there if she is.

You're coming across as bitter, judgemental and down right nasty.

I could see them buying their son a property and hiring a lawyer so the ex DIL would end up totally screwed

This.

Great outcome

I hope they tell your parents to shove it up their arse 👍

Are they planning to write him out of the will too incase she gets her hands on their hard earned inheritance? Best make it as clear to her as possible that she is not and will never be a member of your family 😀 just a hole for your brother and a vessel for grandkids.

Hope she cancels the wedding. His family sounds horrible.

Hardly. She is very lucky that she will get to rent an apartment, presumably at a favourable rate with good security, safe in the knowledge that her landlords will fix any repairs etc,

She also has the opportunity to create her own savings.

No one owes their in laws free money or property.

I agree OP. No reason why they can't as a married couple have joint investments after the marriage that they both put money into.
If she divorces him after a year your parents have lost the money for half a flat.
There is no way Id be giving away half a flat to my current daughter in law.
He isnt thinking clearly. You dont when you get married. You think every thing is going to be roses forever.
This is family money and she hasnt earnt it in any way. She'll be rent and mortgage free I think thats good enough.
My ex husband tried to take half my house he never paid for but lived in rent free for 20 years. He got nothing as it was fully owned and paid for by me before we met.
If I hadnt protected my asset Id be having a pretty miserable retirement in a few years time.

I understand why your parents have decided to buy the flat in their own names. That sounds sensible and they can gift it to your brother when they die/after a long marriage if they want to. Or not. Your brother and his wife have the chance to built up their own security in the meantime with the money they save by not paying rent.

I think your glee and the offer of loans for the wedding/help for with grandchildren is a bit horrible TBH. I certainly wouldn't be accepting any such offers as the son or DIL. As a parent , if I want to pay for my grandchildren's schooling or my children's wedding, I will offer what I can afford. I wouldn't hold it over my son/DIL in the event of a future divorce.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t marry him, then. I wouldn’t get into a situation like that.

And I certainly wouldn’t get involved with someone with such a meddling sister.

If I was DIL, the only way I would agree to this would be that if children came along, that DB is the one to take time off to look after them, then take a lower paid but more flexible job so that I could build my career and savings.
A lot of people talk theoretically about how she could choose to put her money away to invest, but what is the likelihood of this being achievable? In reality she is more likely to be the one whose earning potential takes a hit.
If she goes ahead with this marriage she is putting herself in a very vulnerable position.
This is exactly why DH and I have never accepted any offers of help from parents - nothing comes for free, and we don’t want to be indebted to anyone.

OP, you and your parents don’t sound like nice people at all, and it sounds almost like you want to trap this women. Imagine offering to pay for things like GC’s education, but then having to pay it back? That’s not a gift.

And yet how many times have we seen on here on separation, debts have been taken out in the wife's name, deposits not ringfenced if it were her money or a parent gift, and other financial fuxkovers. Its literally like a pre nup, and if it were my money for my children, I would be doing exactly the same.

I somewhat get the flat ownership if parents are buying outright.

The rest of it like loans for school fees owed on divorce is vindictive . I hope this poor woman does not marry into your family.

This sounds exactly like the laws of my country. I am not surprised by the replies, because the British laws are so different. However, I am surprised at your future SiL necause she should know that this is how it is. Everything SHE owns will remain hers. The laws will apply and protect her as well. Ask her about her assets and see how she reacts.

Would you be treating any money given for wedding or school fees as a loan and to be split if there was a divorce?

Why is it awful to want to provide financial stability for your own children ahead of other people?

Marriage isn’t a guarantee that this couple will be together forever. If they aren’t then there will be financial loss, so what is vulgar in a family enduring their own son can still have a home suitable for housing any potential children in case of divorce? It’s just like insurance. You hope these arrangements won’t be needed but if they are they are invaluable.

Parents who are looking out for their son will look out for their grandchildren too, so there is no problem unless you think just being a woman with children entitles you to other people’s money.