To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

No it isn't. It's her parents' money. Does she get to tell them which supermarket they should be spending the "family money" in every week?

@worriedsstr I think your parents have to decide whether it’s a wedding present or not.

Not = son’s name only
Wedding present = both their names.

No I totally disagree .

it’s absolutely your business and I would question this also.
Please raise it to your parents and ensure that they purchase the flat before the wedding.

But they can tell her that. Still her business.

I would just advise your parents to
buy it in their name and let them live there. She does sound like a gold digger with her suggestions.

My reference to equal was clearly in relation to the OPs post, not your situation.

There's a difference between a balance of what you each pay in over a 20 year marriage and what this fiance is demanding, which is entitlement to an asset she's done nothing to contribute towards from the very outset of the marriage. It's very different to one party providing a deposit, as both parties would usually contribute to the mortgage.

Not sure why me not being a gold digger and thinking both parties should at least attempt to contribute to the purchase of an asset they wish to own means marriage isn't for me, but thanks for sharing the opinion which no-one asked you for and has zero relevance to OPs post 🙄

I mean, you quoted me in your comment so 🤷🏻‍♀️

my point remains, entering a marriage unevenly is fine. If they divorce within just a couple of years she wouldn’t get 50% anyway. If it’s a longer marriage then she should absolutely leave any marriage with equality because what you put into a marriage is more than financial.

You don't know which country they live in or the divorce laws so you have no way of knowing what % the fiance would actually get.

I don't disagree that input into marriage is more than financial but to pay zero towards an asset and then expect to jointly own it is absolute CF behaviour. There'd be uproar if a post suggested this in reverse

Pardon?

But she will have to find somewhere else for her and any possible children to live in after they split. So whilst she gets 50% of the toaster, the canteen of cutlery and the matching towels and bath mats, he gets the family home...

She can save or invest all the money she's not using to buy a property or pay rent whilst child free though

This is the thing - people say she can buy her own property as an investment but if she does that post-marriage it's half his. If he blows all his fun money and she saves hers, he gets the property and half "her" savings/investments.

And then give half to husband if they divorce whilst he keeps the flat as well

Given that OPs post stated the country her brother and fiance live in would award the spouse a share of property purchased after marriage then they'd both be sharing their assets and he wouldn't be keeping the flat

Except he doesnt get the property as OP stated the country awards joint ownership. She's getting a pretty sweet deal to live mortgage/rent free without any contribution to the purchase if they dont have children or other caring responsibilities and expecting joint ownership from the outset of the marriage is CF behaviour imo

He would be keeping the flat gifted by his parents pre marriage and then if the wife purchased something with money saved and they then got divorced, they would share the asset she had purchased and he would also keep the flat he had got from his parents

For most people, getting married involves sharing what you have with each other.

I would say your bro trying to ensure his wife is trapped in the marriage through financial dependence would be a worse indicator of the health of their marriage that his desire to see her protected and cared for.

I think the key part is that she has asked him to wait because it will benefit herself, without explaining why to your parents?

This means that your parents are not making an informed choice, which feels like a dishonest approach because it is in effect his inheritance and your parents wealth that she is making sure that she gets a share of in the event of divorce. Not the accumulated wealth of a married couple after they get married.

In my eyes it is your parents decision, but it is important for them to make an informed choice and think about what they were intending or planning to do, whether this is a gift for their son or a gift to both of them to benefit from even if they get divorced.

If you want a share of the marital home then do something towards it rather than sitting back and letting others support you.

I hadn’t thought about it in great detail as he’s a kid and hasn’t even kissed anyone yet 😂 I suppose something like tenants in common?

Because the gift comes with strings attached, which could be damaging for their marriage, another name for marriage is a union. Together they want to build a life, furnish and decorate their first home, but it won't be their's. Your Brother could stay living together, but he's choosing to marry. She would have to walk away with nothing, she might have to decide to leave her children. If it's some of the countries that have no social housing, what's she to do? If it's a country with limited DV laws/support, she'd be really putting herself at risk. Even if it's bought after the wedding, it doesn't mean that she gets 50%. What next? Nothing left in their wills if either of you marry?

Perhaps he should buy his own flat preferably with his fiance. If i were your parents i would not buy him a flat at all

Inheritance usually goes to children/loved ones. Not to strangers.

And how much would that be, basically a few thousand max. Come on women's rights to property need to be protected

This is the law where I live, thank goodness, as I would have lost the. roof over my DC’s heads.
When they are married she can buy, with her earnings, a flat to rent, which if the unfortunate event of divorce happens, it will be on your brother’s conscience to let her have.