To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

Any woman that moves into a home that they have no ownership of leaves themselves in a vulnerable position if the marriage fails.

This is exactly what it boils down to and if I was this woman's sister I would be advising her to ensure she is entitled to half for her own future welfare- especially if she ends up having children with him

I believe the fiancee is a Mumsnetter going for, 'what's his is 50% mine'

If you are asked your opinion then you can give it but otherwise stay out of it. thinking it’s your business because it’s ’family Money’ is unreasonable.
do you really think your DB is being trapped by a gold digger? Or being scammed?

The point of marriage is to combine lives - that usually includes family, children, and yes and assets.

I find the your money/ my money dynamic in some marriages very odd and dysfunctional.

I actually think the OP is being more of a gold digger trying to protect the “family” money which it reads like she feels entitled to more than the wife.

It's hardly "equal" though if the wife doesn't contribute a penny to the property purchase, yet expects half of it in the event of a split?

If I was the fiancée, I wouldn’t marry him unless he agreed to share the property. It would be too precarious to live in a property I didn’t co-own. Bought after marriage: If they divorce he loses half, not great, but not a disaster. Bought before marriage: If they divorce a disaster for her.

I think you are right to be concerned. Your parents want to buy your brother a flat. What the hell has it got to do with her. If she wants a flat why cant she go out and buy her own. Effing cheek.

Please explain why.

The son hasn’t contributed anything either. Maybe, the parents should just keep ownership of it and let the couple live there rent free

I agree with you. My DC is still a teen but when I gift him money towards his first flat or house I’ll absolutely be making sure it’s ring fenced for him. I didn’t work my fingers to the bone all my life for my child’s future to take a gamble that his inheritance could be taken away from him.

And if my DC was in the same situation as your sister in law I would genuinely be absolutely fine with this too. He would get to live in a lovely house with no mortgage payments, and would have the opportunity to then put loads of money away or even get a buy to let. I’d be very happy for him.

I put all the money into the house I bought with my ex husband who I obviously expected to never divorce, and also wouldn’t have expected would try to do me over. But he did. People do.

So how would you feel OP if you were getting married and your fiancé's parents bought a house for him and it meant you had absolutely no security going forward?

Be honest now.

I know you will say that's just fine but think about when you'd have DC and say you split up and now had nowhere to go and no way of affording anywhere.

Which is right. Marriage is all about pooling your assets and building a life together.
Don't you think women are entitled to security in a marriage?

Are you in the UK? If so, how do you propose that you will ringfence it for him? If he gets married and they live in the home as their matrimonial home it’s a matrimonial asset regardless. You could try for a prenup but it’s not legally binding.

If he already owned a property before he met her, would it be right for her to insist on joint ownership?

“My brother’s girlfriend is refusing to marry him unless he transfers half his house to her first” would get very different answers. She can invest what she would have put into a property or mortgage to give herself security. If they have children then he should be adding to her investment whilst (for as long as) she sacrifices her income to grow/raise them. To insist a huge gift from his parents must be in her name too, does give gold digger vibes.

Protecting herself when they decide to have children would be very sensible though.

Because it’s tiresome.

Is this France?

Buy it before marriage.

You should have said that it was your sister and her fiancé.

Is this literally not the whole point of marriage? The agreement to share all things financial?

I also could not imagine calling my parents money family money.

It's the son contributing all of the purchase price, irrespective of whether he borrows it or is gifted it, so it very obviously isn't the same as the wife who contributes absolutely nothing.

It would make much more sense for ownership to be kept in parents' name but I'd assume that's not tax efficient. Certainly wouldn't be from a UK perspective

To me your brother sounds foolish, but I disagree with financial union until well into a marriage and certainly not in the early years. Yes I think she wants something that isn't really hers to have. She should be glad she gets to live rent free having made no financial investment at all - that is not what happens to adults generally. But that doesn't appear to be enough for her, which does tell you something.

As I said, I brought more money into our relationship. I paid the deposit for our first house. Over the following 20 years I’ve inherited far more than dh and put it towards improving our family life. Dh, over 22 years of marriage has earned more than me. I’ve grown 3 humans. What’s mine is his and what’s good is mine - in marriage it becomes equal. Life balances things out but if you’re keeping tally then maybe marriage isn’t for you.

It's a conversation that must be had though. If any tiresome conversation was squashed because of that, the world would be a very different place.

Because it's her family, and family money is involved.

Look at it from your brother's fiancee's point of view- would you get married make a home and have children with a man knowing you had no stake in the home you are living in?
Anyone who would do that is an idiot, 50% of all marriages break down so you have a 50% chance of being homeless at some point- is that fair?
My opinion of gold digger's has changed over the years my step mother was 100% a gold digger she was uneducated , working class, worked as a hairdresser, and owned nothing- she married my Dad who was older by 15 years, owned property, and was a senior manager.
They married when she got pregnant, she gave up her job immediately and never worked again.
They had 1 child she was a SAHM.
They had an incredibly good prosperous life.
Fast forward 50 years , my Dad is 93 and she runs herself ragged looking after him incredibly well. For him marrying a gold digger was a brilliant move.