AIBU to feel like the breadwinner and household drudge?

[Dothebloodydishes]

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We have one DC who’s 6.

DH works part time hours to facilitate school pick ups etc. I earn quite a good salary with room for progression, but there’s a lot of pressure on me. I found DH a job which was slightly more hours and would mean he earned significantly more each month. It would mean DC going into after school club until 5 on those days (I would be able to do drop offs). DH said no, he wants to pick up DC. I said that’s fine.

But he seems to think because he picks him up and gets his dinner ready that nothing else falls onto him. I’ll often get home at 6, and there’s mess from the night before, toys everywhere, dirty dishes, no hoovering or anything has been done. He’s not made our dinner either. His excuse is that he’s been looking after DC.

So when I get home I’m not resting, just straight to house mode. He finishes work at 1:30, which gives him at least an hour before school pick up. On days DC goes to grandparents (Tuesday and Thursday) he has over 5 hours to do at least something in the house? But never does.

Tonight I came home at 8 after a particularly shit day at work. House a mess, a text saying he forgot to get detergent and can I pick some up?

I feel taken advantage of in this respect.

Also, there’s just zero affection or intimacy. We have sex, usually every other day. But he’s not really interested in me as a person. It’s just stupid stuff, but he never compliments me. I take good care of myself and I think look the same as when we got married… but I don’t feel he’s attracted to me. He says he is, but nothing makes me feel like he is. Other things include me asking for more couple nights (my mum is happy to have DC every few weeks for an evening for this), but he never organises it, or if we do get childcare he’ll ask me what we’re doing. It just feels like another task on my to do list.

Last night I was singing songs, messing around before we got into bed. I’ve done this for years. He usually laughs but he just told me to turn it off. He didn’t hug me or cuddle me before we went to sleep. It just feels so flat. And he says he’s exhausted so often falls asleep before we have sex, meaning it’s a rushed morning quickie most of the time.

He doesn’t just kiss or cuddle me. He spends a lot of his time with his running club.

I feel like I’m just here as breadwinner and he’s comfortable.

I feel like I’m going insane. I feel like a drudge. I’m only 33 but I feel like I’m in a dead end marriage with someone.

Is this just normal life? Am I expecting too much? I’ve tried to talk about it but he takes offense and says it’s horrible to hear that he’s not showing his love enough. Aibu?

Working part time and doing nothing else is not normal, it's abusive, he's taking massive advantage of you, no wonder you feel like a drudge. You need to have a serious discussion, tell him he either goes full time or takes on all of the household tasks in his non work time, stop putting up with this now

He needs a daily to do list and instructions on how to multi task caring for child and doing chores. A NB d he should definitely have your dinner cooked for you when you get home.

I would leave OP. I have extreme ick for this man and I’ve never met him.
I could not respect him. I would resent him. He’s lazy. He doesn’t respect you. Just no.

As Rachel Cusk said in her book about being a new mother - something along the lines of motherhood being the anvil that sexual inequality is forged on.

I totally agree with her.

My ex was like this. He worked full time but he had a low pay low stress job doing a job which was his passion. I paid 80% of our household bills, all of our additional expenses like meals out and holidays. He would come home and do nothing saying he was too tired. I did all the cooking and cleaning. Getting him to do anything was a huge argument. If he looked after the kids while I worked he would do the bare minimum, basically scrolling while they watched telly. On multiple occasions I came home after 8pm and he had not even bothered giving the kids dinner. He would say he “forgot”. Anyway long story short, I left him earlier this year and life is no more difficult as a single parent than it was with him.

Why worry? If she exists she’d be doing you a favour taking this lump off your To Do list!

Are you enjoying the fruits of feminism yet?

“Working part time and doing nothing else is not normal it’s abusive”

Really!? Because I see plenty of threads on here from STAHMs and those working part time complaining their husbands work all day them don’t come home and give them a break from childcare/house work

wonder if those men think they’re lower earning lower working wives are abusing them 🤔

Sounds a bit like he's checked out of the relationship. But regarding the rest, people on here usually say that looking after the kids is a full time job and the rest of the chores should be split when both partners are home.

It sounds like he's sacrificed his career to facilitate yours, putting himself in a risky fiancial situation if you ever split, so it's not all take.

Haha the grunting trolls are out. Theres nothing feminist about having to look after a spoilt entitled man-child who doesnt care enough about his wife or kids to make an effort.
OP, at least stop having sex with him. A morning erection is a reflex not an expression of love.
A young friend of mine's husband is like this and she just asked for a separation. Best get it done. Good luck dear x

I think to have sex every two days is incredible given the rest of the situation

Is this a reverse? Are you the man?

You absolutely don’t have to keep him.

a colleague of mine 15 years ago when I was 24 and she was about 40 was so tired from carrying her whole family on a teacher and tutor salary while supporting her husband who had decided he need to follow his creative passion with a new creative degree and careee change.. he did his degree.. didn’t find any work.. got depression… she continued to support everyone… finally finally finally thank goodness the bastard (bored ) had an affair so now she is in her 50s and free and living her best life ever, I wish she’d left him aged 40

I also think he is seeing someone else.
Let's face it he has plenty of time to do so.

You need a serious discussion with him or maybe marriage guidance.

Sorry to hear you are so upset.
Hope you find happiness in the near future for yourself and child.

That's usually because the SAHM is doing everything and in the threads I've read on here, the DH has hobbies that take him out of the house evenings and a weekend day. They also don't have one child in school and additional, weekly babysitting from parents. If any SAHM posted from the DH perspective on this thread, they'd be told they have it cushy and are taking the piss.

OP, always, always, always trust your gut.

Something's off, and you can feel it, you just can't prove it yet.

I'd give him a list of household tasks for his spare time, particularly the 5hr bloody stretches he has! He can do ALL the housework/laundry/cleaning/shopping/meal prep etc in 10hrs a week ffs!

Tell him that he can choose. He can keep his current PT job, and do all the household tasks in his 'free' time, OR he can get a full time job and you'll both share the household tasks.

But he doesn't get to work PT and coast along doing bugger all else except 'watching DC' any more !

Why should you be working full time AND doing all the housework etc?

There should be nothing for you to tidy or clean when you get home from work, but you could take turns with cooking the evening meal, as by that time you're both home, but only if he's kept up with everything house wise.

I think that once you fill his 'free time', he won't have the time or energy to look for 'distractions' from your marriage...

He's not doing any housework and also had grandparents helping with childcare. Working men with stay at home partners or part time working partners have nothing to worry about except work.

Ugh I’m getting flashbacks of my ex-husband! Lazy bastard. He used to go on and on about how I wouldn’t be able to cope without him as he did x2 pickups a week. No amount of me telling him I’d just use clubs would get through to his brain, he was so smug about all the ‘hard work’ he was saving me from. He had a deep rooted feeling also that it really was me that should have been doing it, as the mum, and therefore him doing a few pickups had this huge immeasurable value to me that I was failing to recognise.

Start getting your ducks in a row, for one. Stop having sex with him and supplying him, and you will see his true colours. Once I gave up on my end of the relationship, my EXH was absolutely fucking foul. It was helpful to me to realise how selfish and narcissistic he really was, it came to the surface and supported and justified my divorce. See how much he cares about you and the kids once things truly are settled fairly, you’ll see what this day to day selfishness has been glossing over.

The big difference is that any woman who is a SAHP or who works part-time, or even works full time from home, is automatically expected to do every conceivable household and childcare task too. However, when men are the SAHP or working part-time it never seems to occur to them that they should do even the bare minimum amount of housework. (And obviously they never expect to do anything other than their big man job when they are working from home either!)

In your place I'd tell this idle waster to put his running shoes on for one last time and sprint out of your home for good. You can do much better than this OP. It's time to bin him!

Sacrificed his career? You are being ridiculous! And even if it was appropriate for him to idle at home when DS was a baby, what's his excuse now the child is six and at school?

Wow what a charmer

Kindly OP, we teach people how to treat us.

Your message is I'm a workhorse that can be used.
I will allow you to treat me badly and I will take it.

Forget about him and sex, and whether he pays you compliments and get real.

This is your one precious life and you are wasting it with a lazy user.

30 years from now and you will so bitterly regret your choices.

You and your money are a convenience, thats all.

No way he loves you.
You are the work horse fool.

Get therapy to help you wake up.

Much better to be single than be used.

This is so true and they have even done studies on this that there is not at any time where the guy will do as much housework and child-minding no matter who makes the most money or who has the busiest job.