AIBU to feel like the breadwinner and household drudge?

[Dothebloodydishes]

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We have one DC who’s 6.

DH works part time hours to facilitate school pick ups etc. I earn quite a good salary with room for progression, but there’s a lot of pressure on me. I found DH a job which was slightly more hours and would mean he earned significantly more each month. It would mean DC going into after school club until 5 on those days (I would be able to do drop offs). DH said no, he wants to pick up DC. I said that’s fine.

But he seems to think because he picks him up and gets his dinner ready that nothing else falls onto him. I’ll often get home at 6, and there’s mess from the night before, toys everywhere, dirty dishes, no hoovering or anything has been done. He’s not made our dinner either. His excuse is that he’s been looking after DC.

So when I get home I’m not resting, just straight to house mode. He finishes work at 1:30, which gives him at least an hour before school pick up. On days DC goes to grandparents (Tuesday and Thursday) he has over 5 hours to do at least something in the house? But never does.

Tonight I came home at 8 after a particularly shit day at work. House a mess, a text saying he forgot to get detergent and can I pick some up?

I feel taken advantage of in this respect.

Also, there’s just zero affection or intimacy. We have sex, usually every other day. But he’s not really interested in me as a person. It’s just stupid stuff, but he never compliments me. I take good care of myself and I think look the same as when we got married… but I don’t feel he’s attracted to me. He says he is, but nothing makes me feel like he is. Other things include me asking for more couple nights (my mum is happy to have DC every few weeks for an evening for this), but he never organises it, or if we do get childcare he’ll ask me what we’re doing. It just feels like another task on my to do list.

Last night I was singing songs, messing around before we got into bed. I’ve done this for years. He usually laughs but he just told me to turn it off. He didn’t hug me or cuddle me before we went to sleep. It just feels so flat. And he says he’s exhausted so often falls asleep before we have sex, meaning it’s a rushed morning quickie most of the time.

He doesn’t just kiss or cuddle me. He spends a lot of his time with his running club.

I feel like I’m just here as breadwinner and he’s comfortable.

I feel like I’m going insane. I feel like a drudge. I’m only 33 but I feel like I’m in a dead end marriage with someone.

Is this just normal life? Am I expecting too much? I’ve tried to talk about it but he takes offense and says it’s horrible to hear that he’s not showing his love enough. Aibu?

YANBU, this is not normal. He is living an easy life at your expense.

I would leave him, you don’t want him to be named as resident parent. You will be better off without him.

Hi OP, I feel the same way tbh. Breadwinner, household cleaner / cook / laundry / looking after the kids. He does work full time but not in a well paid job whereas I work full time in a very well paid/ stressful job with a lot of room for progression. He picks them up from nursery the 2 days a week I’m in the office but that’s about it, I still come home and 60% of the time have to do dinner and always baths. No affection, hugs kissing, nice words. We do sleep separate (co-sleep with each child) but honestly, sometimes I wish we could go back to sleeping next to eachother but a lot of the time I dread the day that happens when the kids are a bit older (both under 3). He’s the same as your DH when it comes to talking about it too. I honestly don’t know if this is just normal life, but it’s my normal for now I guess, makes me sad even writing this! Sorry, no practical advice but feeling your pain

Yeah a lot needs to change here for this relationship to keep going!

Of course he “likes being home for the DC” - for a start he’s only doing 3/5 days so he gets bags of extra time to himself! And collecting one six yo three times a week and doing them dinner is hardly taxing. He’s living his best life, isn’t he?

He needs to be picking up all those household tasks in that time, or looking for a full time job.

Run. He is taking the absolute piss. Think how much easier life would be without picking up after him.
The whole point of relationship sex is the deep mutual connection. If you just wanted NSA you could get that and probably better quality from a FWB.
Do 50:50 care, you'll put DC in after school club on your time and still get time to yourself. Sounds ideal.

I didn’t even get to the lack of any intimacy or interest but that’s obviously also really problematic. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone without that closeness at other times.

He is taking the absolute piss

Agree he’s taking the piss. What does he do with the 5 hours? And why do the GPs do pickup if he’s at home slobbing around?

I couldn’t have sex with someone where there was no intimacy or emotional connection, or affection at other times, hugs etc.
I also could not have sex with someone who wasn’t working hard for our family alongside me, pulling their weight and sharing the load. I find laziness deeply unattractive.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. Lazy arse.

LTB
I really don't know what is up with all these bone idle lazy men
He is completely taking the piss

Have you talked to him clearly, OP, and spelled out how you feel? If so, how does he justify not doing most of the housework when he works part-time? Is it because his tiredness is more important than yours?

My husband and I both work full time but he starts at 6 and finishes at 3, whereas I work long days (NHS). I've worked the last three days and he's picked up our three kids from school, and each night at least two of them have had sports so has ferried all three around whilst still feeding them and sorting out lunches for the next day ready so I didn't have to.
I'm not virtue signalling, neither of us are perfect but he does more than his fair share and does it without complaining or needing asking, this is the bare minimum when raising kids and honestly if I was pulling all the weight I can't see how the relationship would survive.

It's really hard to be confronted with the selfishness of a partner like this. Because once you see it you can't unsee it. It sounds like he doesn't demonstrate care for you in any way. He doesn't show any affection and he doesn't care that you are running around working and doing all the household stuff while he gets hours of free time.

Unfortunately, a marriage cannot survive if one person feels completely unloved. It's only really salvageable if he's open to marriage counselling, but that seems a long shot.

He’s a lazy arse. He really should be doing more considering he finishes work at 1.30.

I don’t feel anything from him, I feel like an appliance. Even with sex, it feels like it’s fulfilling his needs, it’s not connection.

I’ve tried so many times to say that I need more help, more connection, more intimacy.. it feels like begging at his point,

I also worry that he’s speaking to someone else? I don’t know why, I have no evidence. It’s just a feeling

Those feelings rarely come out of nowhere.

To be the first on the thread to pull the classic mumsnet line - get thine ducks aligned

I feel the same. I'm the breadwinner, high earner, but also the mum, the home manager, everything. DH has a very easy job that he is passionate about but he wouldn't be able to do it without my funding.

As a woman, I feel i just got the shittiest, hardest parts of life. Motherhood has really fucked me over.

I think what's important here, cutting through everything, is: how much free time does each person in the couple have?

Quite clearly here, the OP has far less and also picks up a lot more of the aversive tasks.

I think this was where the conversation needs to start.

Definitely sit down.

Map out, on paper, work vs free time and, to start with include childcare as ‘work’

Agree that the person with lots of free time needs to pick up the following responsibilities in the house - and by this he needs to own it from start to finish. No rescuing him.

Then agree that during childcare the person is reasonably expected to feed, clear up and generally tidy round and put a wash on. No major housework but general daily tasks.

If you give him an ultimatum he’ll sulk and pout, and then use “stress” as an excuse for the emotional affair that you believe he’s already in, when it comes to light.

See a solicitor asap.

I think what would concern me is that he just doesn’t care if you are picking up the majority of the work. He isn’t expressing any real interest in you as a romantic partner. Theres an overall feeling of just not being arsed about your wellbeing. I’m not sure this is a relationship you should want to stay in fullstop. Be prepared if you leave for him to argue that he’s primary parent.

Your current set up works when the partner working fewer or no hours is pulling their weight. This is just someone taking the piss.

He sounds awful and you deserve so much better @Dothebloodydishes

No, you married a lazy ass man @WindyTimes74482

Of course it’s not normal. What are you getting from this arrangement other than after school childcare that you could outsource? I used to finish at 1pm while dh worked full time and I did most things. Cooked. Cleaned. Laundry. Yea he helped out but it fell to me mostly as I worked fewer hours.

None of this sounds like a happy marriage.

”what are you getting from this arrangement”

the only thing I can think is the gift of martyrdom