AIBU to feel stressed by frequent overnight work socials?

[Pat1entzer0]

I started a new job a three months ago. I’m really grateful for the role, it’s a step up and I’m enjoying the work and like the people. It’s a fully UK based company and my role doesn’t face customers, only internally. I used to be in a customer facing role with lots of travel pre-kids and I’ve deliberately moved to a back office role which doesn’t need travel.

the problem I have is that there seems to be a huge culture of overnight socials travelling around the UK. Since I’ve joined, there has been at least one overnight, up to three, every month. It’s awkward to refuse as it’s always positioned as a celebration (a birthday, a farewell, a treat) but it’s really difficult for me. For medical reasons I don’t want to share with my employer, my husband can’t drive and the school run is a car ride away. I keep having to ask for favours from other parents and I feel bad asking again and again, kids are too young for taxis and no family nearby.

I’ve attended every social so far but it’s really difficult and I’m constantly stressing about the next one. To be clear, i am so grateful for the role and I have no trouble travelling to other sites during the day - I use wraparound childcare and I’m happy to travel all in one day, but these socials all take place in the evenings and at night. I’m worried if I decline I’ll be left out of the team or have my card marked. We have more scheduled in Oct, nov and Dec. It means I should be happy in the new job but I spend a lot of my time stressing over these endless nights out.

if you were in my team or you were my boss, what would you think?

This sounds way too much! Even if they were just early evening at three per month!

Are the rest of the team really young? Do they have kids?

I wouldn’t even try to go to more than one every other month unless you’re really enjoying them.

It’s the opposite - the majority of the team are older (and mainly men) with adult children. I feel like I’ll underscore the fact that I’m younger and less experienced by making it into a thing. There is one man with school age kids but apparently his wife easily covers the overnights

That’s insane. Just say I have young kids and can’t go. They’ll get over it

That's ridiculous, definitely skip the next couple, maybe go to the Christmas one if you feel like it. I don't have any kids or reasons not to be away overnight and I wouldn't like this. They surely can't expect someone with young kids to be away regularly just for socialising!

For me I’d think absolutely nothing. I am in a pretty senior role in a large organisation (report to C suite) and sometimes arrange nights out - few a year so nothing like yours. Some people never come and some always do and some 50/50. Never bothers me in terms of thinking any less of them. Ultimately here to work not party and you’re not going to get along with everyone you work with. One thing I would say you might miss is the informal bonding. I personally like to know people and it makes doing business easier to start with how are the kids or I’m a bit hungover after last Friday etc etc. however you don’t need three nights out a month to achieve that. Unless your work environment is really toxic and cliquey then I can’t see anyone caring.

I wouldn’t go. I do have to travel for work from time to time which is okay but the idea of having an overnight stay away from home with colleagues for a jolly on a regular basis is ridiculous and extremely tedious.

Overnight socials multiple times a month seems very unusual. I work in a very social industry and I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened in a decade. What sort of company is this?

I don’t think you have to go into medical details: surely you can just say you are a parent and its difficult for you to do overnights?

So it’s not really positioned as just socialising - there may be a team meeting from 3-5pm for example, but then a social from 6-10pm and then the expectation is everyone will stay overnight. Sometimes they’ll arrange another social the next morning (breakfast, volunteering etc) but it’s not work the next morning. I understand I absolutely have to go for the work portion but I’m just struggling with the overnights

I am also in a senior position and I would not think anything about you not attending them all - personally I would make an effort to attend something every other month or quarter, if it was possible. Up to three a month is insane! Even if I didn’t have kids I’d not be keen on that number of work socials!

That's mad! Does the company pay your travel/accommodation for all these socials too?

Are any of them near you? I'd try just to go to those ones (without staying over), Christmas and maybe one more. Just explain you have kids and can't do more than that.

Thanks for this - my line manager is the same level as you and I know he really values team building and getting to know each other. He organises the socials, which is part of why I’m nervous to speak up

@DavidPeckham is right. I don’t think anyone will think poorly of you for not doing this. Maybe do it once a year to show willing? But they can’t reasonably expect people with children or caring responsibilities to be doing this three times a month.

It’s a really staid company, boring industry, nothing glitzy and nothing in the role which said travel would be required. That’s why I was really surprised. I feel silly I didn’t ask whether travel would be required at interview but they didn’t say it would and tbh it’s absolutely not the sort of job that might need it

Sorry I’m trying to keep up with the questions! Yes the company pay for travel and accommodation. The three were in the first month, every month after that has been one night a month.

Explain honestly. You have responsibility.

They will see you as being responsible and that can only command respect.

It sounds like something from The Office. Very cliquey. Like they all thrive on the extracurricular stuff and don’t have enough actual work.

I have no problem socialising with colleagues but being expected to have sleepovers would give me the ick.

Long term I would be looking for another job tbh. I realise that’s not easy now…

You have a young family. You can say 'I can stay for a quick drink but have to get back to do some parenting duties.'

I know I’m being wet but again I really don’t want to seem ungrateful or appear that I don’t value getting to know people. So for example the social this month, we’re all meeting at a location 2 1/2 hours away, then getting in a company bus and driving to a restaurant a further 45 mins away! So I’ll be over 3 hours away from home by the end of jt

Sadly I have thought I might need to do at least a year and then look for another job, the work culture of overnight socials just doesn’t fit with my life right now

I’ve never heard of regular overnight socials with work colleagues to celebrate birthdays, farewells and then treats too. What’s happened to the usual office collection and drinks in the local after work?

It’s ridiculous OP, you don’t have to go to these.

It’s because the company has offices up and down the country and its people from myltiple locations getting together. However I’ve worked for two companies with a uk-wide branch network before and it wasn’t like this, I think this team just loves the expensed overnights

It’s ridiculous. Don’t go.

This. It’s my idea of hell, OP

Would it change anyone’s mind if I said I was part of a team of just 12? So it’s not a huge number of people and 1 person would be more easily missed.

Thank you all - the first one was 2 days after my eldest started secondary and it was so hard to leave, she was so emotional. I just start doubting myself as obviously the whole team treat them as completely normal.